Tuesday, July 20, 2010

July 19 2010 PHI v STL Game 1. The Fuckin' The Dog Phils


Phils continue like drunks who stumble, fall and when they get back up on their feet for a few seconds, fall back down on their faces. - Chuck Meehate, July 19, 2010.
 
This is getting motherfucking ridiculous. This blog was a place for me vent my frustrations about assholes I love in a healthy fashion, kind of like the Metallica album St. Anger. But lately, every time I sit down to write this fucking thing it's comes out like the Phillies have been pissing in my eye sockets and shitting in my wife's mouth. I feel true rage, especially during the games I'm forced to endure. Yes forced. I don't turn off the game if we're losing like a whiny pussy, I sit it out and hope. Like a real man.

After the game yesterday I sat around and thought of a few good replacement adjectives for the word "fightin'" in the Phils nickname. Festerin' Phils, Flailin' Phils, Fartin's Phils. Chuck Meehate came up with Flounderin' Phils. That was a good one. How the fuck did I not think of it? Who cares, they'd all fit the bill. This team, from where I'm looking, has zero fight left in them. We pounce on a truly worthless pitcher in the first inning to get out to a 3 run lead thanks to a clutch hits from Big Piece and Victorino, increase it to 4 in the 2nd thanks the Choochie and Rollins RBI duo but then let it dance away over the fence. Sure our starting pitching was shit, Kendrick ain't gonna move mountains let alone a 95 year old's bowels, but we still could put up a fucking fight after the lead slips. What we put on was a pathetic show of hustle-less babies ready to throw in the towel as soon as the tide turns. If pitching isn't shit the offense is, if the bats are on our starter gives up 12 runs. It's like we can't even work as a team to suck together. No trade can cure this. Just fucking TRY!

Now I'm going to have some fun with my heat for today, Followers. For every player on the team that I felt shit his pants I will post a comparable video to accompany their performance in the game. 


Let's start with everyone's new favorite and deserving whipping boy, Jayson Werth. The Rooster comes to bat in the first inning with men on 2nd and 3rd with 1 out. He proceeds to pop the ball up in the infield. Werth manages to get on with swinging bunt in the 3rd but then is promptly picked off by the catcher, Yadier Molina. Werth gets a second hit in the game in the top 7th making this his first multi-hit game in since the All-Star break. He hasn't homered in 22 games.


The true goat of this game has to be testicle-tosser Kyle Kendrick who gave up a 4-2 lead in a matter of 6 minutes by throwing Albert Pujols, Allen Craig and Whatever Schumacher pitches a 7 year old recovering from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome could yard. 3 home runs in matter of  4 batters. These kind of performances have plagued Kyle all season long and yet still he gets to throw a ball at batters for money every 5 games. Honestly, hasn't anybody realized he can't go more than 5 innings unless the opposing team has eye cancer? To be positive I think it might be good idea to have him become the long man in situations of start meltdown. He's got some decent and could be used more effectively from inning 5-8 if say Cole Hamels has a tantrum or Moyer gets hammered. I hope Rich Dubee is reading this.


My last mule to whip is none other than reliever Chad Durbin, fresh off the DL and ready for failure. Motherfucker can't even last one batter into the bottom 6th without a ball sailing into the seats off the bat of Randy Winn. I almost forgot how fucking ineffectual he was. Thanks for the reminder. Get it together, Chadwick.


Woah, this guy is aggressive! Maybe we could have this stupid wigger sit in as bench coach until Dan Harren gets off the plane in Philly.

Victorino has at least picked up his game in times of woe and Ryan Howard will always be a thing of beauty to witness in action but the collective patience has worn thin. Everyone I talk to has lost hope for the post season, at least the division title and I can't blame them. Maybe Victorino is picking his game up but maybe he's gonna have to eat some crow, too. If I were in those stands instead of being stranded on Penis Island I would surely be breathing fire. The buffer time of faith you asked for has come and gone. We want results not empty pleas to sit tight. Don't be surprised when the Boo Birds return to Philly, they've laid dormant long enough this season. Remember, we're booing you, not abandoning you. It's paternal, my gripes. That's all that really matters, anyway. I am the real fan. I'm not alone.

At least the mets lost 13-2 to fucking Arizona. Big Pelf got lit up like a pinner joint in a Darby library. That's a reason to smile. Fuck new york and fuck faith, it's your turn to show.

JSIII

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