Tuesday, August 31, 2010

August 30 2010 PHI v LAD Game 1. Just Like Pearl Harbor

Well, Followers! Do our Phillies not remember what happened on December 7th, 1941? Have they forgotten so soon the horrific events that took place on that fateful winter's afternoon? No, you think they haven't? Neither do I.

But then why the fuck would they allow Hiroki Kuroda to practically reenact those butt-fucking atrocities in front of a paying crowd full of fine U.S. citizens that came to see a baseball game, The Great American Pastime?

Wait, this game was in LA so let me re-phrase that query.

How the fuck could the Phils let that prick basically make us re-live the atrocious fucking nightmare of Pearl Harbor in front of a crowd that consisted of maybe, at most 30% American citizens?  My dear F's....I just don't fucking know anymore.

I kid, I kid.....

                                                                    Hoagie of Desperation.....

9 fucking innings of baseball and all the motherfucking 2 consecutive NL championship team can muster is one lousy hit, AGAIN! Really, it's not like this has been a rare occurrence this season. I can recall 2 other times off the top of my head. Back in May when Dice-K worked us for 8 until Juan Castro's blooped a single and then again just 2 weeks ago when that fruit with the cum-catcher on his face, R.A. Dickey, allow a single hit off the bat of fucking Cole Hamels. Granted no one is going to remember these games except for nerds so I can't really justify seething such hatred but it still feels better than saying to myself "yuck-yuck, it's just a game" because that would be a fucking lie. It's just pitiful play. I'm not even gonna list reasons why we're better than this.

I'll tip my red cap to Kuroda, though, folks. He pitched a hell of a game. The Pearl Harbor shit really was a bit overzealous, analogically speaking. I'm still happy Victorino smacked the only hit of the game in the 8th to spoil your little fun but you do deserve the credit for an outing of brilliance. Fuck you, too.

It's not like Halladay pitched all that bad, either. 3 runs in 7 inning was a quality start last I checked. Just figured I'd mention it. He wasn't great but he wasn't shit.

Ryan Howard gets the honor of  being the first recipient of TBSS's latest decoration, The Retard Boner of the Game Award, for his piss-poor hustle in the first 2 innings. I think every fucking hit in those 2 innings-- save for the Carroll lucky flop-up that landed just fair--whizzed right past  or under your glove. And don't gimme and "I'm still on the mend from injury" horseshit. If that's the case you fucking get back down to Clearwater. With your reach those fucking grounders should've been sure outs and it resulted in dodgers crossing the plate. We could've had a 1 or 2 run game going into the late innings but since you decided to phone it in they figured our weakness and played on it. C'mon, my man. You got more class than those bums.

Also you may have noticed our newest gadget on the right-hand column; The Howard Slump Tracker. I don't know about you but this timing bullshit is getting to be a tired excuse. When's the fucking dam gonna break, huh?

I demand full retribution for these fucking crimes against humanity, Kendrick. Man the fuck up and give us a solid show. It's been a while. Last time you face these turds you got sat down pretty fucking quick and gave up maybe 70 runs. For yourself, if anything, you should want to smoke these chodes.

Fuck new york and fuck new york for being the worst team on earth. The worst batting average as a team after the All-Star break..... Of course they're not even gonna put up a fight down in atlanta. Not even for their own dignity and self respect. Weak.


PS. At least none of us are British.

Video courtesy of Follower Rhys.

Monday, August 30, 2010

August 29 2010 PHI v SD Game 3. Super Absorbent Maxi-Padres With Wings

The Fucking Fightin's continue their utter domination of the Padres and their foolish camouflage unis at Petco Park with yesterday's sweeping fucking 5-0 victory, a slaughter at the hands of Cole Fucking Hamels, his booyah arsenal and a show of force from The Rooster and Mike Fucking Sweendog. This home-away-from-home win extends the Phils' successful streak bringing their record to 11-1 in their last 12 games in San Diego. To use the vernacular of our times you could say the Phillies own the pads at home. Or you could talk like and adult. 

Oh yeah.....

Colio just keeps fucking giving us the goods on his 2010 warpath of sheer dominance. As predicted yesterday, Cole would need only meager-to-moderate run support against SD to finally tack another W onto his season record. He did so with grace and cocksure endurance, shutting out the friars for just the 7th time this season, their 3rd at home. I'm not here saying that 5 runs is fiddle-sticks as far as support is concerned but something tells me that Cole went into this outing looking to throw a fat fucking donut up on that SD scoreline. Hamels K'd 6 and allowed just 4 hits over his large-cocked 8 innings of work. Calling that a gem is like calling a pizza an asshole.

Runs usually come at a premium at Petco and homeruns at even a more premium-er, as we've learned over the course of this fucking series, but not for the fucking big 3 of the game.

The scoring got started with the patented J-roll-wacks-in-Choochie combo in the 3rd but sat dormant as pad's start Clayton Richards worked quietly but effectively until "the dam broke" so speak (or as much as it fucking can at that fucking park) when Mike Sweendog roped a fucking 2 run dinger down the right field line.

In a post-game interview Sweeney attributed his motivation to step up was due to having "the Big Horse in the stable" speaking of Ryan Howard and with Sweendog being a SD native, that it's always great to produce with your family in the crowd. Someone's gotta move those kin to Swarthmore or someplace nice and cozy just outside the city limits. Don't worry, we got beaches and junkies, too. It's just like home!

Sweendog is munching on some serious HEAT tonight!

The Phils struck again in the 8th when Choochie scored on a shitty Ryan Ludwig throwing error and then again in the 9th when this happened:

Yeah, that ball ended up going here:

A welcomed fan snag.....eat shit, Hairston.

Mad Dog came in for the final 3 outs of the game and the Phils and their thousands of fucking Phans that infiltrated Petco are leaving town with an extra kick in their step. Boo. Yah. 5. Fucking. Nothing. Swept.

The asshole braves won again from behind so we're still sitting 2 behind. Let's hope those fucking worthless dicks from flushing can at least show some late season sack and claim a shred of dignity out of their upcoming series at turner field. Part of me thinks that may be asking a bit much from the muts but there's always hope.

So yeah, I've been jamming Megadeth records a fair bit lately. Kind of a rekindling of a childhood headbanger flame. It's really inexplicable but do I really need to explain myself for liking a heavy metal band? This isn't fucking China.

This is a great video of 'Deths classic cautionary tale Devil's Island, detailing the pitfalls of substance abuse. This was Dave Mustaine. In 1986.

Tonight I get to watch the Phils/LA opener at home and sexual mutant free cause they're showing it free to air. Halladay/Kuroda. It's gonna a be a bloody bewdy, you little rippah!

Fuck new york and hold on to your love says Neil.


Sunday, August 29, 2010

August 28 2010 PHI v SD Game 2. Hawaiian Hoagie Hangs Shit On Pads

Before we get started I'd like you to take a look at the photo above. Anything look strange? Do you notice the fucking sea of red above the dugout? In San Deigo? The Phans have taken the fuck over! Watch out, shitty world.....

I'm gonna be honest with you, Followers. If any of you were to walk up to me and told that the Phils, after getting cornholed by Houston at home, were gonna waltz into Petco Park and stick the first 2 games right up their 2 best pitcher's asses I would've called you a lying dickhead. A team that lately has been coming with the collective offensive power of a wine cooler couldn't possibly be up to that task, could they?

Well, if any of you mutants see me on the street and remember you can call me a stupid cunt for that assumption. I'll be back in Philly in a week.

Joe Fucking Blanton get the "Fucking" placed into his name because that's exactly what he was doing yesterday. Fucking the opposing team with a display of force not seen often from the big goatee this season. He went just 1 inning under his max going 6 with as many hits, 3K, 1 earned and 1 BB. Solid as a healthy bowel movement.

Come now, Followers. You know where the fucking Hoagie Of Heat is going today. After what felt like weeks of being hosed by right-handed pitching, Mr. Winner Ford, Shane Victorino has begun to rekindle his relationship with the RBI and the Stand-Up Triple. The three haven't been speaking much lately and it's been getting kind of tense around the clubhouse.

Yesterday,Shane extended the first olive branch of atonement in the 5th inning rocking in Werth with a single to get the Phils on the board. It's not gonna be all OK just like that but you gotta start somewhere.

Then in true reconciliatory fashion, he called the Stand-Up Triple in the 7th inning and apologized for cheating on her with The Choke Pop-Up and The Weak Ground-Out for the last few weeks. This was a major break-through their relationship and the game as it smashed in Rooster once again for his second RBI and opened the door for Mike Sweeney to ground into his fourth RBI as a Fightin', giving the Phils a 3-1.

This little cheeky Hawaiian prick even gunned down what would've been the go ahead run by about 10 feet in the 5th inning, his 7th assist of the year.

Speaking of atoning for past indiscretions, Brad Lidge--who fucking balked in the tying run in the previous game like a jerk-off-- came in for the vintage 1-2-3 lights outs shit. I forgive him for the balk, do you? Really?

So here in Australia if you're a male, before you get married you have what is called a Bucks Night. It's kind of like your garden variety bachelor party except in lieu of getting a bunch of cocaine and having regrettable sex with a tranny your mates try to get you beaten to death.

I saw this lucky pre-nup at the Raiders game last night. I couldn't get a good shot of his face because I didn't want to talk to or fight this drongo but his face was markered blue. He's going to make some lucky chippy very, very unhappy. Hopefully.

Today we go for the broom-broom-shake-shake-the room with Hamels on the mound. He hasn't recorded a W in about 400 starts cause the Phils haven't given him dicks worth of run support but that could very well work in his favor. The Pads don't score many runs, relying on their fucking awesome starting pitching and evil bullpen. They're 12th in the league in runs scored and hitting fuck all as team average-wise. As long as Cole can keep the pace he's been on in his last few starts I don't see this game being too much of an issue for him. If The Men can scrape together 2-3 manufactured runs in the meadows of Petco we should be floating upstream to LA on a river of Clergy tears.

As always, fuck new york and listen to Megadeth.


Saturday, August 28, 2010

August 27 2010 PHI V SD Game 1. "We're From Chinese"

In my attempt to film a video blog on the lawn outside of Canberra Stadium I was greeted by the future of Australia with warm and articulate arms. I hope their parents are proud they've reared such Mensa material. This is seriouslt the best video blog I could ever do that doesn't involve a donkey, David Wright and some ecstasy.

I just got home. The Green Machine stomped a mudhole in the North Queensland Cowboys 48-4. Good to know no matter where you go in the world there is always a team called the Cowboys that fucks the dog.

Joe Blanton better be wearing his fucking man's underwear because I want to take the momentum of last night's win and parlet it into a ballbag of victory. I want the Phillies to come home victorious like the fucking champions we all know they are.

Like I said in the vid....fuck new york, go the Phillies and go you fucken Raiders.


Friday, August 27, 2010

August 26 2010 PHI v HOU Game 4. Clowns And Women

Wandy Rodriguez is a mutant drongo. Kyle Kendrick is a 12 year old girl's first period. Handing anyone of of the healthy Phillies a bat is like handing a chimpanzee the keys to the Challenger. When the fuck is Ross Gload gonna be healthy again?

So, we got a man on 2nd and 3rd and no out in the 7th inning, it's 0-4 Houston. Shane Victorino comes up to bat, ready to destroy the competition. Or strike out. Weak boy. Not even a pop-up.

It's fine, we got Schneider up and a disposable out to maybe finally drive in run.

Schneider puts the ball in the air to right field. Hunter Pence, the weirdest looking inbred blue-blood horse-man, fields the fly and guns it to home plate.

Jayson Werth and his superior base-running skills charges home plate like a guido charges a math test.

Out. He can't tap dance either. Fuck this game. Fuck this life.

Swept by the astros. At home. 4 games.

Do we deserve a post-season? Do we have the mental capacity to actually be a contending force in any sort of play-off situation? Is this full strength line-up worth a used condom's worth of pud-juice? Were the Phillies better off with the Valdez, Gload, Brown, Castro and Sweeney?

Yes, yes, yes, no. I just don't have explanation. You're gonna have to wait just like I am. It's looking like it's gonna come down to the 2 braves series in September and October. Of course it is....

I got nothing left to say about these women. Fuck new york and fuck houston and fuck many other things. Still the Phillies. Can't fuck with our worst.


Thursday, August 26, 2010

August 25 2010 PHI v HOU Game 3. More At-Bats Of Sadness

Well, Followers, the same bullshit happened last year. We play down to the astros just like we played down to the fucking pirates just like we played down to the cubs. Only last year this series was in Houston and we had a 5 1/2 game lead in the fucking division. Not even Roy Halladay can stop the fucking flood of dogshit into our mouths as we fall again to the team sitting at 12th worst in the ERA column this season. Not to mention they are a bunch of cheating pantie-waists. 2-3 Houston, in Philly; Our house. Not that it's his fault or anything. Last I checked 7 pitched, 3 earned was still a quality start.

The batting order continues to resemble a blind Stephen Hawking as we allowed yet another ex-Phil, J.A. Happ, come back to town and piss in our eyes. No umpiring crew (I still would seriously like to see an AIDS bulldozer take them all out) can be to blame for us to play so meekly, especially in a pennant race at a 2.5 game margin. Jayson Werth came with firepower and Polanco rolled in Halladay for our 2 whopping runs and all we have to show for it is astros egg on our face.

Ben Francisco can't take all the blame for yesterday's loss but he can take a lot. He must've been sniffing Werth's jockies or something. Getting picked off at 3rd with your thumb in your rear with a man at 1st and J-Roll ready to take aim on a pitch that could tie the game in the 7th inning is inexcusable. Weak, Benny, Weak.

At least the braves choked monumentally to the rox, giving up a game they lead 10-1 in the 3rd inning only to go down 12-10. I guess Venters rhymes with Broxton in Atlanta. That even made regular news in Australia, it was that fucking bad. Still 2.5 back and keeping pace in our own way.

Here's a video of Iris DeMent singing a song about going out into a field and talking to a dead daughter. Happy time.

This video always cheers my up, as well. Thing aren't so grim, My Followers.

Keep those loyal head up, friends. Maybe Kyle Kendrick will take some weight our shoulders.

Fuck new york and fuck Greg Gibson and fuck Brian Knight and fuck Scott Barry and fuck the other dick.


PS, F's.... It's good times.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

August 24 2010 PHI v HOU Game 2. I Hate.....

                           A real man is hard to find (pictured above). I guess a fucking go ump is, too....
......every fucking person and entity on earth right now but I still love the Phillies. It makes life real.

Listen to the King Of All Sports Media, Larry Fucking Anderson, go buck on some blind dickhead here. Every one of those umpires can get attacked by a fucking swarm of cancer bees for all I care. Howard should've eaten that fucker's face off.

See yous tomorrow as usual,


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

August 23 2010 PHI v HOU Game 1. Raging Shark

I don't even know how to approach today's fucking Clog, Followers. I honestly am still fucking filled with rage over yesterday's game that it almost consumes me. All day I've had to cool down but still I sit here, contemplating arson and wondering how fucking hard I could punch Jayson Werth in the face. It's been almost 10 hours since the game ended.... I may need to step back from this whole baseball thing for 5 minutes. I'm turning into an actual psychopath. Walking down the street stifling screams of agony, punching at the air in fury. I can't stop now.

Today I had to take my wife's car in for a tune-up so I was left to my own devices from 9am-12pm, precisely the time the Phillies are on for night games.

After dropping the wheels off at the garage, I walked into downtown Canberra to look for an internet kiosk. Like an Asian. I don't have an iPhone yet because I am an idoit so I was at the behest of pay-internet in a public place. Sheeeesh.

On my journey to the center of the earth, I walked passed a LAN gaming center/internet cafe and decided that this was going to be my hang for the next few hours.

I walked down the dark stairwell and just as I approached the front counter to pay money fro internet the powerful stench of chronic masturbator hit me on the face like a fucking rig. You know, the smell your room gets after you jerk-off into a sock for a weekend straight when your 15. Only this fucking place was filled with pimply empty-utted creting, a barren wasteland of World Of Warcraft virginity and Kit-Kat wrappers. Disgusting.

I sat down, knocked a few red bull cans out of the way of the keyboard, and dialed up mlb.tv.

By the time I got on it was the bottom of the 2nd already and what do you know, Joe Blanotn gave up a lead off double and a run in the first inning. Not too bad but fucking typical.

Brett Myers is still a fucking walking spittoon, a goatee like a Slipknot fan and a jaw like West Virginia. I almost missed him for a second but then remembered that he plays for the astros now and is a wife beater.

Brett Myers wasn't fucking around, he struck out 9 in 7 innings of work, He looked sharp as ever. What a fucking douche bag.

Joe Blanton by the same was no cheap date, either. He fanned 9, as well, a season fucking high for Sloppy Joe. He gave up 1 run, went 7 and looked the part for the second start in a row. Maybe shit's finally falling into place for Joe-Joe. Now if we can only convince his brain the 1=2 then those first innings might not be such a mental hump for him. Still, any improvement is lauded here at TBSS.

So after 6 1/2 innings the Phils have a 2-1 lead thanks to a Choochie homer in the 3rd and a J-Roll RBI in the 4th. It's bottom of the 6th and there's 2 outs, Jayson Werth at second.

Choochie steps to the plate and in his fashion, he draws a walk. he's a smart player and knows that Valdez could probably plate Werth if he got on.

As Choochie starts his trot down the 1st baseline, 'stros catcher Something Quintero fires the ball to second.


He gets picked off. My body fills with anger. I could almost feel these wizard nerds around me feel my hatred. What a dickhead. Werth is always fucking around on the base paths. He is consistently a poor base runner and now you just fucked us out of a threat. Of course Chollie keeps him in the game. Fuck, he shoulda been cleaning Moyer's cup with his tongue for the rest of the game. No hustle, no love.

Skip 2 innings later to the top of the 8th. Mad Dog is in for Blanton and he's just given up a hit to some fucking dickass on the astros. Up comes Michael Bourne, a fast running motherfucker.

Bourne lays down a bunt to move over whateverhisnameis on first and gets it down the first baseline. Howard comes rushing down to play the ball. he grabs it and dives at Bourne to make the tag.


Chollie gets booted, some other fucker lays ANOTHER bunt down and Carlos Lee gets a fucking hit to drive in dickinmothwhoeverpplayer and Bourne, a runner that shouldn't have been on the fucking bases, to take the lead 2-3.

At this point my brain is about to fucking liquefy. My rage is forcing the fucking camouflage paint to peel off the walls of this fucking den of cum and I can do nothing but fume!!! How the fuck could that stupid cunt of an ump Greg Gibson call that fucking play in good conscience. I hope he's fucking still awake. What a true dickhead.

Of course we lose the game. Of course I still want to stab 60 cats in their faggoty little faces. Writing this just makes it worse. Of course the braves lost last night, too. Fucking comedy. Still 2.5 back and a game in the lead of the WC.

I spent the next 30 minutes walking around downtown cursing at everything. I truly wanted someone dead. Like I said, I need to maybe take a step back. I probably will never.

I spent the rest of the day downloading Megadeth albums.

In closing of my little story, Followers, I would like to say Fuck You to mlb.com for calling that a fucking rally for Houston, I would like to wish umpire Greg Gibson a large black dick in the mouth 45-60 times over the next few days and hope Jayson Werth get's turned away at the door of Hooters. If I was managing this fucking team he's be fucking Bat-Boy for the next 3 games with a jersey that reads "NANCY HUSTLE" and Hamels would be throwing at the heads of the 1-4 hitters tonight. Now I am going to try to do yoga and then watch Ellen. She makes me laugh and I LOVE her dancing! Fuck new york and fuck everything.


Monday, August 23, 2010

August 22 2010 PHI v WSH Game 3. The Os Man Cometh

That's fucking more like it, Followers! A 6-0 smattering of the weak nats at the hands of Roy Oswalt with the assistance of Rauuuul's hammer, Exxon Valdez' tanker and a strong lot  and ready to destroy the competition. In Australia they would could call these guys "sick cunts". That's about right. Too bad it wasn't fucking yesterday.

Roy Oswalt got revenge for his banged-up Phils debut suffered to the nats in Washington earlier this month with a display of pure strength and heat. 8K, 5 hits, not one fucking run.... he even got 2 hits himself, one of them became a fucking run in the 3rd. A true asset to the staff in every respect. Too bad he wasn't pitching fucking yesterday.....

Polly sac'd in Roll in the 1st and Exxon Valdez smoked a bases loaded 2-out single to late 2 before Mother Nature took an enormous shit all over the Delaware Valley leaving the game at 4-dick in the mid 7th.

It had been a minute but yesterday a large group of unwavering opponent-haters got to howl RAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLL!!!!! Shortly after the 45 hour rain delay, Mr. Ibanez lofted a Craig Stammen weak-ball into the seats in right field, plating J-Roll along with the Phil's most productive motherfucker in the month of August. That's his 12 on the year. Sucks that didn't happen yesterday....

I only end ever fucking thought with that sentiment because it seems to be the sole thought on every Phaithful's mind. The knaves lose, we lose. The sister-fuckers win, we win. This fucking copy-cat act is getting frustrating and turning these series wins into moot dog vomit. The Phil's haven't lost single series played in the month of August yet we've gained very minimal ground in the division race. Something's gonna have to break, it's just the wait and see who and what it's gonna be is the painful part. Thank The Lord for the wild card because if this keeps up on both end we'd be up dick's creek with a herpes sore for a paddle.

Today a harrowing realization came crashing down on me, Followers; I don't have an ass-crack anymore. Yeah, you heard me. I don't have a crack anymore. I guess I hadn't really paid too much mind to the cosmetic aspect of things since I was so keen on just the physical recovery after my surgery but now after the dust has settled it's a bit disconcerting.

You see, F's, when I had my pilonidal cyst removed I had a preventative procedure done as well known as a Flap Repair. That's when they take skin from one side of your ass and pull it over to the opposite side of your ass, effectively removing the valley  between ass cheeks where the bacteria and tracts lie that allows the cyst to fester. In result, I don't have an asscrack anymore but more of a mound of flesh hovering above my asshole.  Take a look:

As you see the scar running down the center of my ass has replaced an actual crack and only feigns a crack-like appearance. This is incredibly awkward to digest mentally but I'm sure I'll grow to love my crack-less ass. In this photo you can also see the zit-like scars where the drainage bags were protruding from my back. Franken-Ass.

Tonight we have an old friend coming back to town for a tango with Joe-Joe Blanton. Brett Myers and the 'stros are probably just about finished backing their tractors into the CPB grounds keeper's shed, readying themselves for the 4 game series. Myer's, who's had a successful season thus far for the Texans, will get what I'm guessing as a mixed reaction from his former supporters. I believe the quote was "I'm gonna stick it to 'em" in regards to pitching to the Phils after the trade went down. I'm sure it was all in good fun but I still expect a few Boo-Birds to come out of hibernation for the occasion. No mercy. Should be a real hootenanny barn-burner for Os to see his old pals, as well. Too bad he ain't tossing at 'em.

Fuck new york and good for Rod Barajas. He got out.


Sunday, August 22, 2010

August 21 2010 PHI v WSH Game 2. The Kids Doesn't Stay In The Picture

                                                                Goatees are fucking corny

So we got trounced by the fucking Nationals 1-8 in weak fashion and we didn't even get a real show. Wonder boy Stephen Strasburg turned out not to be the machine that the wide world of sports expected him to be when he left the game yesterday in the 5th inning with a strained flexor tendor in his throwing elbow. He, to that point in the game, had given up a single hit to the Big Piece before wincing in pain after  a pitch to Rual Ibanez from his 23 year old arm. This is Strasburg's second injury of the year and I gotta tell you, even if this isn't serious, it's doesn't look fucking good. Injury prone with poor mechanics is a rookie's plague but as the face of a franchise the young Strasburg is looking less like a sure thing and more like a work in progress. "You can throw consistent 100 per pitches and whiff on average 12 players per game, great! Can you stay healthy for us long enough to utilize you?" 

Kyle Kendrick's pantie-waist ways again have bobbed to the surface a bit earlier than expected. Usually we get 2 decent starts then a fucking bomb-out but by this point in the season it's seemed to go one-for-one. Kendrick gave up 3 runs, 3 walks, 2 hits on 30 pitches in the first inning alone. Not the great confidence boost a side needs to face "a phenom" after only scoring 1 run the previous night.

Kylie would go on to finish 3 more frames allow 2 more runs and then give it up to the pen for which stanched the bleeding until the top of the 9th when Chad Durbin--prone to just fucking blowing it with a deficit-- gave up a fucking 3-run homer run to some forgettable national.

The only fucking run was score on a Ryan Howard ground out to score Polanco who doubled to lead of the inning. Not fucking impress, Phils. Frustration and pain.

I really hope this is a fucking aberration and not a return to the Phamine of May/June. I can't take a pennant race dependant on Roy, Os and Cole to pitch shutouts 3 nights a week. My stomach lining is already to the barest of film. I still hold the theory that the Phils play down to certain team, the nats being one of them this year, so it really could just be a farce. I guess the true test comes when we face Houston with Blanton, Cole and Halladay. Bud Norris ain't that great and we know that J.A. Happ is only seldom capable of greatness.

F's I've just been informed that if the Phillies make the post-season, The Big Sharkey Face will be hitting the newsstands! The Philadelphia Weekly has agreed to terms with your big-nutted Editor that for the duration of the play-offs I will have a weekly column. It won't be quite as scintillating as Savage Love but at least I can keep coffee shop workers and local bands up to snuff on the happening of our fine Fightin's. Should be a hoot and I get to swear still.

Os is on the mound in a few hours and I will be awake too listen. The game's on at 3:30 am here but really what the fuck else am I gonna do? I'm an unemployed loser. Fuck new york and if any of you Followers wants to take me to a Phils game from Sept 8th on you will get your own section in that games edition. you can wirte about or do whatever the fuck you want. Seriously. You buy the tickets, I cover 2 beers, you buy more beers, you write the clog for the next day. I honestly don't give a fuck what you do.


Saturday, August 21, 2010

August 20 2010 PHI v WSH Game 1. A Snooze But A Win

A quote from influencial stright-edge pioneer, Jim Winters, who attended last night's game:

"Seriously. A fucking yawn until the end. Ha!"

Shit, I feel bad for the fans who had to sit through this fucking game but hey... a win's a win. You fuckers at least got that. Boy, what a snooze-fest but I'm not complaining. Roy got 'er fucking done like with his wizardry and left no fucking survivors.

If you lasted through this lopsided dingleberried pitcher's duel between an 0-6 Jason Marquis and possibly the best pitcher in Baseball you had less to cheer at than Rush Limbaugh's parents during his youth in a game that felt just as long. Roy Halladay would pitch into trouble and get out of the pickle unscathed for 7 innings, whiffing 5 , walking 3 and giving up sweet fuck-all in opposing runs. In the 3rd inning Raul Fucking Ibanez knocked in the only run with a line drive off the glove of Adam Dunn to score Polanco who was walked in by the meek Marquis. Marquis, who by the way, went further into a game than he has all fucking year. Good for him. Not really.

Brad To The Bone Lidge came in for a quick 1-2-3-4 (errr) inning earning his 7th consecutive converted save in a row. Fuckin' alright.

Phils win 1-0. Roy Halladay gets his 6th win in a row and Larry Anderson still hates umpires. When they fuck is that man gonna get his own show?

The fucking braves took one from the cubs in dramatic style, pouncing on a useless Carlos Marmol with 1 strike left in the fucking game and a 3 run rally start by Rick Wankeil while down the Mississippi the giants lumped up the sliding cards 6-3. Keeping pace is all the Phils can do and do it well until one of these enemies fails. Go fuckin' Fightin's!

In farm system news, Phillies prosect Tyson Gillies got busted for cocaine possession. Fucking Canadians and their coke problems... Read more on this young chap's journey to the bigs!

Today in Australia it's election day. Voting is compulsory and this man is running for Prime Minister:

His name is Tony Abbott. He promises no big government taxes, no gay marriage and to STOP THE BOATS! Abbott wants to stop refugees from Sri Lanka, Iraq, Sudan and other countries in which it's denizens are escaping imminent murder from seeking asylum in Australia because he's a Christian. He also promises to liquefy the moon, turn the sky orange and have Jesus headline the next Big Day Out.

He also attends this freakish cult gathering every year:

He's probably gonna win. If I have to hear another fucking word about George W. Bush after this fucking clown gets voted in I am going to burn the Sydney Opera House down with my dick while a bald eagle butt-fucks Waltzing Matilda.

Tonight the new phenom Strasburg is on the mound against KK. Seems like every time a hot-shit arm come to town--ala Jiminez, Cain or Garland--we have pretty decent success. Let's hope that fucking trend continues and those 99 mile per fastballs Strasburg's got end up in the laps of a few Phaithful. Fuck new york and America, here I fucking come!


Friday, August 20, 2010

August 19 2010 PHI v SF Game 3. Blues Hamels

So F's, the fucking Cole Hamels blues strikes again, at least he pitched kinda shitty last night and it wasn't another 2-hit gem wasted on frozen batsmen. What the fuck can you do? Sometimes the batters got yer number and their pitcher, in this fucking case Jonathan Sanchez, dazzle the fuck out of your wood. The Phils fall 2-5 in the final bout with the giants and what the fuck ever. It happens. Fuck it, we're sitting pretty OK at 1 game ahead of SF in the WC standings. We got the nationals and 'stros coming to town as the knaves head to Wrigley and SF head to St. Louis. Good time to pounce if there ever was one.

After last night's game I caught some of the dodgers/rockies game. I guess Vin Scully was as bored as I was with the game so he started talking about the Phils and Baker Bowl. He regaled the good people of La-La Land with a tale of Boom-Boom Beck, the Phils pitcher known for giving up the boom-boom ball back in the '30s. Lord knows he's old enough to remember, wacka wacka! Thought I'd share it with you, Followers. I really enjoyed it.

Short shit today. Speaking of shit. I think the way the doctors re-contoured my ass helps the crap tumble out of my ass neater. Ever since the operation every time I take a shit and wipe there is nothing to barely any traces of poo on my rear-hole. It's fucking crazy.

Fuck new york and Rock The Vote,  you little Aussie battlers!


Thursday, August 19, 2010

August 18 2010 PHI v SF Game 2. J-Rollin', Rollin', Rollin'

Ok, F's before we delve into today's shit I have to rectify a situation that in my mind was a gross overlooking of talent. In yesteday's blog there was no mention of Placido Polanco's 4 fucking hit night. How this slipped my mind and missed the page is beyond me, Followers. To all parties involved, especially the new NL batting average leader, I truly apologize. It will never happen again. I fucked up. Sorry, Pol.....

Alright, let's get on with the show!

So, fuck, Followers....I bet you were all thinking and shitting your pants the same way I was about 2 minutes into last night's game. "Oh fuck, Joe Blanton is jinxed! Here we fucking go AGAIN! He can't get out of the 1st alive. FUUUUCK!" Boy-oh-boy what a way to not instill confidence of your ability in a crowd so quickly, Joe. The first batter you face, this case being Andres Torres, smokes a upper-decker of a meatball. Working from a hole again.

But a funny thing happened a a few batters later. He turned into a fucking animal. The sleeping fucking giant awoke and no one is happier than this motherfucker.

Blanton after his flirtation with bed-shitting Blanton turned into the fierce motherfucker that he was last season, going 6 and 1/3, whiffing 7 and only allowing 2 earned. The second of those runs being another Pat Burrell homer. We get it, Pat. Philly's fucking over it. We are just booing you now. But anyway, Blanton, the man who's been searching all year for a bust-out performance of strength and sack has finally found what he's looking for. A fucking big, hard W. It couldn't have come at a better time.

Now let's talk about that fucking offense that we've got going on here......

Big night for a few of these mean motherfuckers. Let's start with the big- cock story of the night, Jimmy Fucking Rollins.

Roll came with the big turkey-neck hitting just a double short of the cycle with a 3-run jack in the 4 run 4th inning. The man was on fire off SF starter Matt Cain, who for all intents and purposes, was effectively owned by the Phillies batting order. Kind of like when you find a freight container full of dead Romanian prostitutes but instead filled with ace pitchers that drink micro-brews. Rollins went 3-5 with 3 RBIs and 3 runs scored. Can you smell the goodness, F's? I think you can.....HEAT!

After the game during the press conference a report questioned Chollie on whether or not Jimmy could hit. His reply was apt: "Bet your sweet ass he can!" Yep. Best team ever in fucking history.

More timely hitting came for the man formerly known as Landscaper of Sanity now officially dubbed Senor Clutch. I would use a nina to accentuate the word senor properly if this laptop wasn't fucking purchased in Dublin. Racists. Chooch got the party started with a fruitless triple in the bottom 2nd and kept pace in the 4th with an RBI  go ahead single into left. Clutch. As usual.

Chase Utley got his first extra-base hit under his belt since his return, sparking a 2-run rally in the Bottom seventh that would see Raul Fucking Ibanez, and The Rooster both getting extra-base knocks to drive each other in. Sexual.

Last but not least, The Brown Dominator laid out his first upper-deck fucker, his second in the bigs and what a fucking majestic shot it twas! The kid even took a bow. What a seriously unreal feeling it must be for the lanky Dominator to get back into that dugout and have Ryan Fucking Howard embrace you in manly, platonic bear-hug after you feat of strength and power.

Big ups also goes to Chad Fucking Durbin, who in the 7th inning in relief for the finally mighty Blanton, saved the fucking day pitching Andres Torres into a fucking dp. The giants lead the NL in those. Bummer.

A friend of mine cut Durbin's hair once in Jersey. She said he was a very nice dad.

All that shit added up to a destructive 8-2 win over the giants, taking the series and another game up on the g's in the NL wildcard jawn.  The braves fucking beat the nats in walk-off fashion again but who gives a shit. We keep pace with those sister fuckers and we'll be sure to see post-season action. Fuck 'em all!

I hate to bring up Burrell again but this was just too good. Pat threw his Cherrios all over the place after he grounded out down the line but thought it rolled foul. I believe he called the ump a "dumb fat motherfucker". WAH!

So I'm on facebook, everyone is. Thomas Carroll, the singer for incendiary and classic NYHC group Straight Ahead is also a big proponent of the social networking site. Yeah, we're friends.

Apparently Tommy has a big problem with this whole "Ground Zero Mosque" issue that's sweeping the world's media. I thought since most of you are not influencial enough to be friends with Tommy that I would share some of his status updates on his feeling about this subject. I offer this one caveat: He is very articulate about his feelings and they may be too strongly worded for the weak-willed. Please read with caution.

"They build a mosque at ground zero they've won and our president supports there freedom what about ours a religion of oppression they laugh in our faces. I love god and god is love and all I see from islam is hate it was built on hate 560 years after christ I don't want these scumbags gloating like they won fuck there ...god he wears a dress and paints his toe nails allah is a jerk off...."

"Jesus christ is my lord and savior I walk his path and we walked through the nostics templer nights and free masons and allah means shit to us fuck your god fuck your religion your religion was based on hate and I fucking hate you. You have no idea of god that's why you kill but step in my domain I'll cut your fucking ...heads off and shove it up your mothers ass fuck allah"

See what I mean? Pretty strong feelings, well worded and though out. He'd have my vote!

 Here's a video of Straight Ahead playing at Mike Dirnt from Green Day's favorite bar CBGBs:

Tonight we have a chance at total domination of the giants. Cole Hamels is on the mound and to say that the Phils are hot is an understatement. We're fucking on fire. Keep it stoked.

Fuck new york and enjoy you day, aawwwwwww nice man!!!


Wednesday, August 18, 2010

August 17 2010 PHI v SF Game 1. Senor Clutch And The Wild Bunch

Shit, Followers.....I'm glad we got that over with. The first game of this series was the crucial win. Working from the hole always makes me queasy and I have no time for that horseshit anymore. I write this clog a mildly relieved man but it won't last fucking long. We still have Joe Blanton on the mound tonight, HA!  wacka, wacka, wacka....I kid, I kid, F's. We are the fucking motherfucking best! The anxiety still never ends....But what the fuck, let's enjoy being a game up in the wild card race and red-hot on the heels of the atl racists cockboats with Chase Fucking Utley back where he belongs.

Roy Oswalt had quite the touched-up start last night, giving up 2 early runs as a result of a fucking lead-off double and a solo shot from Pat The Bat Burrell. The Burrell homer doesn't hurt so much now that we've won, it's almost kind of bittersweet and heart warming to see him doing so well but don't ask me to feel like this too often about an opponent. We still believe here at TBSS that NO MERCY is the only policy.

Oswalt calmed the fuck down after the first and only gave up one more run in the 7th . He pitched 7 hard, gave up 3 earned and struck out 7. Quality start, motherfucker. More than we can say for SF's Barry Zito.

After 4 scoreless innings the roof caved in for Zito. J-Roll and Victorino had 2-run hits in both the 5th and the 6th inning mugging SF of a lead that would never return. Zito was sent to the fridge without recording an out in the 6th.

The big retarded run inning came in the 8th when the Phils tacked on 5 runs.

SF's Chris Ray loaded the fucking bases with no outs immediately clearing the path for Carlos Motherfucking Ruiz to do what he does fucking best these days; clutch hit. Senor Clutch. This little fucker and today's Hoagie of Heat recipient drove home 3 runs with a big base clearing double off the left field wall. That's just what he does. He takes no shit from reliever or retriever alike. Suck shit. 7-3.

2 more runs would go on to score from a fucking balk and an error to bring things to a nice 9-3 scoreline going into 9th for Chad Durbin to end nicely. In lead situations I'd have no one else pitch my 7th inning. Wait this was the 9th. Fuck it. Chase Utley gets a righteous win for his first day of work in almost 8 weeks and the Phillies now sit a full game ahead of SF in th NL Wild Card standings. Decent.

Chutley went 0-5 but still got the bat on the ball a bit and showed no signs of restraint or weariness to get his fucking hands dirty. Only a man of his large-sacked calibre could come back a week early and not whinge like a princess when it came time to do the dirty. I think we'll be seeing good things from our latest class-A call up.

Timmy Lincecum signed a bunch of autographs for the little kiddies before the game leading me to believe is a real man. I'm a sucker for nice guys in baseball as much as I like assholes. I'm also fucking glad we don't have to face this prick.

No music or funny crap today, Followers. The dressing from my ass-wound as been coming off at the ends so I have to soak in the tub for a few hours until the rest peels off. Seriously. This shit is almost over.

Until next time, fuck new york and fuck KY-Rod. Don't expect to get paid if you're gonna get hurt being an asshole. Off the field. DISQUALIFIED, BITCH!!!