Friday, March 4, 2011

What Metallica Record Is Cliff Fucking Lee?

 ....and that's fucking right....And Justice For All. Yep, Clifton Phipher Phucking Lee.

I know what you're thinking, Followers; why this fucking record and not something like Kill 'Em or Lightning? Granted this is an odd choice but the one that makes the most sense in my superior dome. Let me please explain without going through all the retarded song metaphors like I did with the last installment. This is a special record to me. I used to jam this cassette on my walkman down on the tracks while burning issues of Town Talk I was supposed to be delivering. I'm not fucking around.

Cliff Lee is the fucking Hammer Of Justice. He embodies everything good and fair in this silly little game of ball and bat. He says 'fuck you, cunts' to the sniveling, smug yankees fan base to come back where he belongs for less money. I know, this is all a retreading of the little fairy tail that everyone in the Delaware Valley lived through back in December but it's still a powerful yarn.

...And Justice is an album about the erosion of the fairness and morality and illustrates this notion through 9 epic fucking ragers. In many ways, Lee illustrated the same by signing back in Philly. He went with is dick, balls and heart instead of his check book. Who the fuck still uses a check book? Any jerk-off with a stupid beard and terrible attitude can bank on a big contract with a corny team, it' takes a real fucking M.A.N. to pull the shit Lee pulled. It's comforting to know that someone who's loved one was spat upon by a certain cretinous horde of rich troglodytes can serve justice in simply not giving said gaggle of filth joy through his craft. It's a man exercising his middle finger the most effective way anyone could.

Not to mention the album is fucking incredible. That's the big fucking boner parallel of them all. Awesome pitcher - awesome album, Lee likes to party - Alcoholica likes to party. Both this record and Lee could easily pitch 12 CG's this season. I don't give a flying fuck what you think, Justice has the best 'Tallica riffs recorded to date. I'm serious. Go and put this fucking thing on during Lee's start Sunday. You will be head fucking banging and air guitaring like the largest dickhead on the block because this record will rip your vagina off and nail it to your mother's face with your father's dick. Case and point:

Dyer's Fucking Eve. Must I elaborate, Followers??  Did you just fucking listen to this song? OK, then it's settled. I'm right. Again.

On a side note,  last night a friend of mine who smokes and works hard made a great observation; Being a Yankee is fucking uncool now. Really, think about that. You are sort of viewed by any non-yanks fan as a total herb for being on that team. This is pretty remarkable if you think about what that team was in the 30s, 40s, 50,s 60s and even 70s. Every American boy wanted to be Babe Ruth or Lou Gehrig. Now you are the soul-less shill sniffing A-Cups jock strap for more money than most small countries are worth in front of a crowd full of homophobic yuppy cunts housed in a billion-dollar burden on society. You are a fucking tool and I love it.

Whatever, I'm babbling. Like a brook that runs through the Whole Foods in Austin; the corny capitol of America. I have to get back to hating life. Stay tuned for the next installment when we compare Roy Oswalt to Kill'Em All.

Until next time fuck new york and bake a cake for the wiggers next door. They've earned it.