Saturday, July 17, 2010

July 16 2010 PHI v CHC Game 2. My New Show And My New Country

So, Followers, I've been in talks with the Comcast Sports Network about producing my own TV show lately. I'm gonna be moving back to the Philadelphia in a month or so and we've been bouncing ideas back and forth. The idea I am running with the adamantly is a revamping of last season's ill-fated program The Pen. You remember, the reality show that focused on the lives of Phillies relief pitching off the diamond in a light and playful manner. The show fucking stunk and got shit-canned quite quickly after it's initial few episodes but CSN and I have are coming to terms on version 2.0. 

Instead of putting the men of The New Pen in boys-will-be-boys comedic situations we're going to go in a totally different direction by simply placing them in stocks at the corner of 2nd and Diamond st., unaided for 24 hours straight after poor performances, and encourage Phillies fans to go visit them. I'm not gonna give away the ending but it surely involves dog feces, wiffle-ball bats, football cleats and lemon juice. It's gonna be a ripper!!!! I hope you all tune in!

The first episode is going to feature newly recovered reliever Ryan Madson for yesterday's crime of a slop-ball right down the middle of the fucking plate for Aramis Ramirez to smash up the ass of a dog walking down Waveland. After watching Joe Blanton finally get his ass in gear with a great fucking start , whiffing 8 batter and giving up only 3 runs ( this is Sabathia-like for Sloppy Joe) this is exactly the sort of thing to get yourself a spot on The New Pen. Yes, Blanton did fucking walk in the tying run in the bottom 5th after intentionally walking Retardo-Spelling Soto but what can you really ask for from Husky Joe? This episode will be filmed over the next weekend when the boys return home to face the Rockies. Get your dildos and rotten tomatoes ready!

Big Piece continues to dominate even though no one else in the batting wants to follow suit. He roped his 20th yarder on the season yesterday and has shown he is still worth the 125 billion dollars he got tied up in earlier this season. If only Jayson Werth would decide to play half a shade as well as he did last season then we may get more than 3 runs on the board against a wimpy, mediocre side that should be an after thought instead of a team beating us into a situation in which the best case scenario is a fucking split series. Whatever, it's just Werth doing his thing. 0-3, 2 Ks and a walk. At least he was part of Howard's 2 run jack with his BB. Team work.

Shane Victorino also got his 15th HR of the season, breaking his minor slump of pop-ups and foul line-drives. This makes you Editor very pleased. I love watching the little hothead smoke one. It sure shuts everybody up for a few days. Victorino may fly-out a ton but he still can send 'em soaring and makes good contact at least 30% of the time. I'm always happy that he's around, if not for his asshole vibe that he emanates toward the opposing side. You always need a good dickhead on your team that instills the hatred that courses through an opponent's veins. Fuck 'em all!

Oh yeah, I got my Australian Permanent Residency yesterday. Yeah, the wife and I filed the paper work and paid the $2515.00 it costs for the fucking thing a month ago. Along with the paperwork and cash we enclosed a scrap book of emails, plane tickets, used condoms, our baby and wedding photos to further prove the legitimacy of our relationship. We'd been told it would take a few weeks since we had all the evidence necessary. After 5 Weeks rolled by, though, we start to sweat a bit. I had been arrested a few times in my youth for petty crimes so we were worried that maybe we'd paid all that money for a big FU up the rear.

Yesterday we drove down to the Immigration office and waded through all the boat people trying to get their sheep Partner Visas in an attempt to find out what the hold up was. 

The man at the reception desk took our inquiry and click-clacked on his keyboard. After a few minutes of typing he looked at us with a childish smirk and replied "Uh, it seems that you have already been approved for the Permanent Residency Visa, we have been trying to mail it to you for weeks but it keeps getting returned to sender. You're at .....right?"

You see, my wife had filled out the forms for me because I'm lazy and stupid. Well, turns out I'm not as stupid as her because she couldn't even get our fucking address correct! We'd been sitting on our thumbs for weeks, sweating it out because of a fucking typo....


Look it up, there is an Aussie slang website. Now I'm gonna bleed this country dry like a true immigrant leech. Gonna get those pectoral implants and that dick enlargement, all on the Labor Party's dime! Fuck new york and fuck the queen, the dole bludger!!!!


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