Wednesday, June 30, 2010

June 29 2010 PHI v CIN Game 2. They Say Fear Is A Teams Best Friend

You ever get handed a cheeseburger but you decide to hold off on eating it for a couple of hours? You know, save it for later. Your sitting there for a few hours like "Fuck, life is good. I got this cheeseburger". Then just as your palate is ready for the delicious fucking thing some asshole with a goatee and no fucking business pitching in a save situation, even with a 30 run lead, comes over and diarrhea shits all over it and then walks sullenly back to the dugout? That bullshit ever happen to you? Yeah, me too....

But, Followers, 5 minutes after the goatee'd fuckbag emptied his inconsistent bowels all over your delicious meal did 3 Hispanic men come to your aid and hand you a plate full of delicious tacos and then made one of their sexy caliente mamas perform oral sex on your penis for the duration of the meal? Yeah? Shit yeah, you must've watched that Reds game last night! The one where we held a 6-3 lead into the bottom of the 9th, 1 out away from victory only for the worthless Brad To The Bone Lidge to rub his scent all over the game and give up a 3-fucking-run homer to Joey Votto. "No fucking way..." straight from mouth of the offender himself. But, then you saw Raul Fucking Ibanez in the top10th, like a fucking horny magician trying to end his silly show so he can fuck his assistant, hit a maddening double with 2 on and no outs off the glove of  Red's centerfielder Drew Stubbs to knock in the go ahead run. Then you also saw Ben Francisco smoke a fucking line drive past 3rd baseman and last-year-Phils-scrub Miguel Cairo, a ball that Scott Rolen would have had no fucking problem pulling out of the air, into left field for an RBI making it now 8-6! Fuck, and then you also saw Exxon Valdez bunt up the first baseline to send home fucking Ibanez in a sort of suicide squeeze for the added insurance run. 9-6. All this off Reds formidable closer, Arthur Rhodes, who until this game hadn't given up a fucking run all year! Yeah, that's the game I speaking of. Glad to see we're all on the same page here, F's.

I seriously thought my fucking brain liquefied as that fucking meatball Lidge threw to Votto Sailed over the center field wall. It was the one of the most insulting acts I'd ever seen perpetrated on my boys Wilson Valdez and Brian Schneider after those fuckers stepped up like men with Utley and Polly out of the order, both jacking brutal 3-run shots and gathering for what most of the game was the entirety of the Phils runs. If those two keep playing like this for the next 15 or however many days it takes for Polly and Chut to get better it's gonna take the proverbial cleat off of our throat and put it up everyone's ass. Great work. 

J.C. Romero deserves the nod for the clean bottom 10th. He got the job fucking done.

End Result: 9-6 F/10. Blanton gets shafted out of the decision and Romero get 3rd S of the year.

Now for the lighter side of The Big Sharkey Show.........

Sometimes I google my own name. Fuck you, you do it, too.  Here are a few interesting things I found on the great information autobahn pertaining to yours truly. 

I found this particularly funny except from a blog ran by Peter Escott, musician, comedian and Tasmania colleague. It's funny how fucking one-track-minded I am. I really am 1 dimensional.

Cover photo by Sean Fennessy. Very happy with how it turned out. The theme, if you can call it that, is objects which have no great personal significance except for the fact that I’ve managed to hang onto them for quite a while. The Yukon flag is from a trip to Canada when I was small; the Shopping Meter belonged to my mother, but it fascinated me for hours at a time as a numbers-obsessed toddler; the shirt is a replica of the one worn by pitcher Chan Ho Park during his time with the Los Angeles Dodgers, which my brother bought for me at a Dodgers game when he lived in California; the hairband around my wrist was a gift from a drunk girl at a party; the watch I bought in Edinburgh, and it began habitually resetting itself every so often within weeks of purchase. I still wear the Dodgers shirt when performing every so often as I enjoy its lack of relevance. I gave a copy of the album to John Sharkey of C**********r when the Native Cats supported them at the Brisbane Hotel; he took one look at the cover and said, “Dodgers? No, man. Phillies. Phillies!

Here's a photo of friend Richard Penetrator and I in front of the Louisville Slugger Museum. Men. With Purpose. I found this on some photo blog that I have never read and have no clue who the editor is. This photo was taken by ex-Matador Records product manager, Joel Hunt. They canned him for getting violently wasted at a label showcase at SXSW, something the owners of Matador have excelled at in recent years. I think the final straw was when the owner of Beggars Group, the company that owns Matador, watched Joel throw a full drink--glass and all--directly at the face of a singer performing onstage. That pom fuck probably thought "Who the fuck is this slovenly animal? Oh, he works for me?" I love Joel.

That same night in question I watched Chris Lombardi, on the of the honchos at Matador, almost fall down a flight of stairs just after I so gauchely made him very sad by saying "what's up, old man!?" to him in a jovial manner. I guess when your face is numb you don't like to be reminded that your getting up there in years. It's bad for the colon.

Halladay has the ball today @ 12:35 EST to deal hopefully a series winning display of power and stoic aggression.This is a must win as we are still 2.5 back from the knaves but the mets are in danger of being swept by The Fish down in PR. They can't fucking travel can they. Today they got walked off, tomorrow they might lose even more PR cred. Who knows. Until then I bid you, The Strong Followers, g'day (g'gay) and I still say fuck new york let's go fish. For now.


Tuesday, June 29, 2010

June 28 2010 PHI v CIN Game 1. The Kendrick Problem

Tonight was shit, Followers. Shit. Everything went wrong. Kyle Kendrick is a terrible pitcher. It's not a big deal, he just sucks. Wait, it is a fucking big deal and now he's now seemed to have caught the Cole Hamels disease. Once the hitting starts it never stops. One hiccup and the shit hits the ceiling fan.  

Last night Kendrick went 6 and 1/4 pitched, 8 hits and 5 earned fucking runs after fanning 4 and looked fierce in the first 3 frames until things got rocky and then quickly shit bed in this 3-7 loss to Cinci. The fear in my heart that Ruben Amaro Jr is really sitting with his thumb up his ass and not desperately trying to acquire starting pitching is palpable to the fear one must feel after a long weekend in Thailand. You know what I mean.

Aside from an Utley error and some shitty umpiring gone the wrong way that hurt us offensively, I think it's safe to say we can hang all the guilt of this sham on pitching. Not that the bats worked all that well against Red's starter, Johnny Cueto, but that's why this is even more important. Look at fucking San Diego; a club with not much muscle but pitching that's taken them to division leaders. Seriously, I know I'm not alone in thinking this but this is something that can be easily remedied with all these super-duper names floating around that are supposedly headed for the trade guillotine. Dan Haren, Roy Oswalt, the still longed for Clifton Lee, take your pick. Yes all of these men have their own weaknesses but I've never seen any on them about to cry in the 5th inning. Well, maybe Oswalt. We still need to be aggressive. With the exception of Lee, who may not want to come back to a GM who sold him off like a bag of firewood for the golden calf, any of these men are attainable and--not to sound like an entitled cherry-picking new yorker--we can fucking afford it, too. We're running on 40-some consecutive sell-outs at CBP, coming off 2 World Series seasons and quickly becoming a franchise noted world-wide for good ball. Iwant to see more Asians in Phillies hats in Sydney. Do you really want all this foundation for a legacy to see it go down the drain because of a cautious front office? Just fucking pull the trigger. You can't horseshit me with this cheapo crap, I lived through the late 90s with this team. We've finally got funds, let's use them wisely and keep it rolling. We now have a chance to fill in a sliver of the chip on Philly's sporting shoulder. Any one of the names above would fill the Kendrick chasm until J.A. Happ gets his velocity back and to tell you the truth, I'm not holding my fucking breath. How many rehab starts do you need, my man? He's gearing up for number 5 and he's still got issues to work through. He's young so I'm sure he'll have no problem bouncing back but we can't waded in mire and the muck until it's so. I swear to God if Cliff Lee ends up on the mets I'm gonna fuck my face in the ass with a knife.

All I'm saying is that this game and others like it wouldn't be torturous slogs through the the molasses forest if we had confident starting pitching. For once in my life I would love to feel secure for at least 3 days out of the week during the summer.

On top of this we now have to sweat for the next few days waiting to find out if Chase Utley actual fucked his thumb up that bad on this slide into second last night. I'm sure they'll draw that fucking out until I've gone almost completely bald. If we did lose Chut we'd be hard-pressed for hope that any good could come from this season minus another one of our crucial linchpins. I know that sounds defeatist but look at the Roll'less team throughout out May/June. God, I hope he's fucking OK. Keep 'em crossed, Phaithful.

On a positive note Raul Fucking Ibanez--trying to ignite a rally--zapped a 2 run homer in the top of the ninth. I still love when Ibanez gets that long-ball action. It transports me back to the beginning of the 2009 season right as I returned from Australia the first time. "Raul Ibanez? Who the fuck is this guy? 37 years old? Seattle, right?". Then I spent a good part of April and May flooding the bedroom every time he came to bat. I want more of that Raul, please. I miss him.

Former Phil, Scott Rolen hit his 300th slammer off Kylie last night.  Just thought you'd need to know that, too. This I don't mind so much. It's like when Pat Burrell does good. Good for him, he's about 60 years old and still fucking up the program.

Keeping the GG remembrance rolling, if my kid turns out 1/8 as cool as this little masturbator I'll know my job as a parent was done with competence. 

Also Followers, today I had my first celebrity sighting! Apparently The Hick From French Lick, Larry Bird, is cutting hair for a little extra money at the Tuggeranong Hyper Dome. Have a look for yourself:

Tonight Blanton gets ball and continues to play catch-up record-wise. I want some murder, Big Joe. Make me proud! Until next time, fuck new york and if your friends with Larry find out what his fucking deal is.


Monday, June 28, 2010

June 27 2010 PHI v TOR Game 3. 506 And Heartbreak?

Jamie Moyer bowled over Robin Robert's Most Home Runs Allowed record during yesterday's flogging of the Blue Jays when he gave up his 506th jack to Toronto's Vernon Wells in the 3rd inning. There is a lot of speculation on whether Moyer and us Phaithful should be clandestinely hanging our heads in shame for this dubious honor or if we should be celebrating the endurance of a man who's played the game for so long  that he could have ever reached such volumes yet have played so well that he is still racking W's by the handfuls at the age of 47 with little signs of futility. 

If you have to think very hard about this dilemma you are a simpering fuck. We're not talking about the record for most loads swallowed in boys town here, we're talking fucking longevity! The fact that the oldest starting pitcher in the game today still producing W's is even being questioned about this is fairly offensive. Save your postulating for Pete Rose or Steroids or Instant Review or any other other minutiae that gets bandied about the mouths of those with not much to say. This is a milestone that Moyer and the rest of us smart enough to be wearing the cursive P should be proud of. Are proud of. You're telling me Robin Roberts career wasn't shit hot while he lingered at 505? Easy answer from an uneasy man.

How about the rest of the team yesterday, Followers? Fucking 11-2 with no homers? That what I'm talking about. A game filled with clutch hitting and poor defense from the opposing side is a nicely placed ending for this interleague horseplay. After this win we walk away 3-3 in series' against the AL and in the last week we've hit more runs than any other team in the entire Natoinal League.

Our little Hawaiian teddy bear, Dane Sardinha, notched another big league hit on his over-worked belt when he knocked in Exxon Valdez and Victorino by doubling in the top 2nd. This little fella has cashed in serious chips while Choochie is getting his wits back after the mild concussion from that pesky broken bat last week

Ben Francisco, Shane Victorino and J-Fucking-Roll all got their dicks wet real nice going, all getting 3 hits and knocking a combined 5 runs and taking no shit from Toronto pitching. Pretty much everyone got a hit, though. It was just that kind of day.

End buddy: 11-2. Suck my ass it smells.

Tomorrow Stephie Strasburg is pitching balls at the Braves. This is a perfect opportunity to shorten that redneck lead being held over our heads as we march on toward the All Star break. As a matter of fact, the next month looks fairly light for The Fightin's. We got 3 in Cinci, 4 against Pittsburgh and then a home stand with said Knaves. Now is the time to grab the bull by the dick and regain 1st before a group of rapists and gypsies up the turnpike takes it. I honestly can't handle another month under either of those teams in the standings, I'm sick of the Joe Morgan banter on Sunday nights. They can have their Nathans hot dog eating contests and the other team can have banjos and lynchings, just stay the fuck out of our way.

Today also marks an occasion everyone on the staff here, myself especially, holds near and dear to our hearts. 17 years ago on this day, Kevin "G.G." Allin passed away from natural causes. It seems like only yesterday that he was casually pissing on Gerard Cosloy or babysitting the local scamps on the block for pocket money. Without too much mushy faggoty-ness I'd like to pay my respects to my fallen brother with a few choice clips from his vast visual library. RIP GG. Sit on my prick and I'll lick your clit.

Kyle Kendrick, tonight you will give up very few runs and throw lots of strikes. Just figured I'd remind you of what your job is. Stay cool, baby, stay cool. Keep those balls on the ground and don't mouth Cher lyrics in between pitches, it's a telltale sign of weakness. 

Until we meet again, The mets with AIDS are all gonna die, they stuck it up their ass tonight, now their gonna fry! Fuck new york.


Saturday, June 26, 2010

June 26 2010 PHI v TOR Game 2. Cole Disappoints My Father And His Grandmother

"Cole, you played like a fucking girl out there today! You couldn't keep the pitches down could you? I told you a fucking thousand times yesterday, the Toronto offense is a wish and wait bullshit-fest! All they do is close their eyes and hope their pop-ups go over the wall.....How many fucking ground balls did Granny's little girl get today? Not enough, Nancy!!! I can't fuckin' blame you for the lack of offense on your teams part, that you can take up with them. Marcum had good stuff today. I can't believe, today OF ALL DAYS, you couldn't deliver. You know it's Sharkey's pops birthday. I don't know how many more that fucker is gonna see! Look, stop crying, I know I'm being hard on you but if I don't now you'll never blossom into a man. Toughen the fuck up, Cole. Your name is Cole not Faggot! Now go clean your room, work on your lines for the new Comcast commercial and come down for dinner in an hour. Yes, of course I still love you and so does Sharkey and his pop. You know how bad we take shit like a 1-5. I'm sorry but you just gonna have to buck up and take your scolding like a man. A MAN, COLE! Give Grandma a hug."

My friend and avid Phillies Phanatic, Richie Penetrator, informed me today that Jayson Werth's at bat music is now Wherever I May Roam by 'tallica. Ross Gload also rocks up to the plate to Sanitarium. Fuck every other team on earth. I would've noticed this before but it's hard to hear over Wheels and McCarthy making out during the telecast.

Blohan Santana, although cleared of wrong-doing in the recent rape case he was embroiled in, has gone from ace to disgrace. A piece of human garbage pitching for a deplorable group of shit pieces. You were still on a golf course jerking off on some broad's leg while your wife and 3 kids were watching fucking Barney or some shit at home. Scum.

Today @ 1:05pm, LawnMoyer Man has the duty of closing this series out in style. Let's rally behind Granpa to keep it at 505 and send those heel-swingers on a hot rail back to their safe, beautiful country defeated. Fuck new york and fuck the scum they harbour. Please no Brett Myers jokes. What did you want? Another Chuck Finley?


Angry Toronto Fans Protest Moved Games

Today a gaggle of Toronto Blue Jays fans gathered in a riotous assembly to protest the moving of home games from the Rogers Centre to Philadelphia's Citizens Bank Park due to the G20 summit being hosted in the Canadian city. Oddly enough this protest took place really fucking close to the G20 summit itself causing Major League Baseball's commissioner Bug Selig and summit promoters to scratch heads.

I should write for OSN.

Actually this is a video taken not long ago of a group of Tegan and Sara fans who care about "world issues" aka not baseball, taking out father issues on inanimate objects with this poorly organized fireworks display. I can see now why people with any sense would not want to attend a baseball game hosted in a town crammed full of whiners and cry-babies. That is what New York was precisely designed for.


June 25 2010 PHI v TOR Game 1. Up On Cripple Creek

Much like when Bob Ross would give way to his son Steve for an episode of The Joy Of Painting, I too have taken a step back for the day to allow you, The Follower, a glimpse into the mind and heart of new east coast correspondent, The Cripple. He attended last night's flog-fest and gives us the scoop. He gets great seats anyway cause they cordon off good sections for people with walkers and wheelchairs. To this he takes full advantage. I must warn you he gets a little racy but his heart is in the right place. Even if his legs aren't. Without further ado, I give you...........The Cripple.

Hello fellow TBSS readers. It is your American Cripple here, back home from probably one of the best games your beloved Phils have played all season. Philly treated me and my good buddy, Mr Asian Follower Man, extremely well. We left with big smiles on our faces and a good beer buzz . J Roll, Werth, and even the breakout hero of the game, Ross Gload, have completely given America's hat* a beat down that made Canadians look like New Yorkers . Don't worry though, the few Toronto fans we did see didn't bitch and cry like they'd just been fucked with a sand paper dick. What little Toronto did have to cheer for was drowned out by the relentless heavy hits in inning 5 and the sound of my walker being banged against the gaurd rail. 

The beauty of Halladay's pitching was like watching my soon to be wife come home after work to present me with a 12 pack of Miller and the news that shes going away for the next 4 days. The stadium knew they were in for a treat seconds after the first K Roy had pitched, even the toothless Dallas Cowboys fan next to us tapped me on the shoulder to explain how I'm about to watch a real pitcher at work.
As the game proceeded I busted out my TBSS sign that looked like it was written by a special needs child that just learned what a sharpie marker was. While the sign may have been a failure if you were more than 5 feet away, the questions and reactions it raised in section 324 made it completely worth it. Reactions from my toothless mullet friend on my left were “Why the fuck is a red blooded Philly man is Australia?” to “Is the fucker being paid at least?”. Both my answers to his questions seemed to confuse him further, but none the less he was happy that the Phils way was being spread to the masses down under. Right as soon as I answered his question though inning 5 hit us like a ton of bricks and it was cheers and high fives between all of us. Utley drove in a 2 run RBI that left me screaming and my Asian friend demanding that any non Americans get the fuck out, even he knew this game was gonna be a rager that not even Kim Ching Chong Ill could stop. 

 During the seventh inning stretch my friend came back with two cold ones, I took a big gulp and screamed “Go Phils!!!” in a demanding fashion that would make the main man, your manly Editor, a bit proud. Little did I realize that I spilled some of my shitty beer on this crazy broad below while she was texting. I must have interrupted this soccer mom's train of thought cause she looked up like she was about to cripple my head. I apologized, but as she gave me the finger I just sat down and proceeded to drink my beer like a real man. Nothing could stop me from enjoying this game, and the home run in the 8th by Victorino which just underscored the fact that Americans really do do it better.

As I walked/shuffled my way back to our car the feeling that the season can turn for the Phils was not out of reach, the only thing on my mind though was: Only in Philly can I get a high five by a toothless Cowboys/Phils fan(?), asked if I sell the “crippled drugs I get on the side for extra cash” and given the middle finger by a soccer mom who clearly knew a crippled guy showed her how to really have fun at a baseball game. Ah Philly, I'll be back sooner than you think. Until next time, fuck the mets, fuck the Yankees and remember “that guy with the walker” bleeds a bit of red with his black and orange.

There you have it, Followers. Yeah, I know. What the fuck did you expect from an Orioles fan, Ed Murrow? 

End result: 9-0 Phils. Halladay got some fucking run support and Ross "Bundy" Gload continues to be The Greg Dobbs of '08!

Today Colio Hamels has got mound against Toronto's Shaun Marcum and it's my Dad, John Jr's birthday. He's like 60 something. Let's fucking smash 'em for pops!

                                      JEGGINGS YETI !!!!!


*Yeah, I have no idea either.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Follower Fan Foto: Look At This Fucking Sign

Would look at this thing? Really, take a look at it! I received this photo via The Cripple who attended tonight's game and am NOT impressed. I've seen more vibrant garage sale notices hanging from phone poles in Darby! I love the effort, Mr Asian Follower Man but fuck. Would it have hurt to tack on 4 more minutes to the existing 5 you spent on this painstaking calligraphy? You're in the 300 level! I can barely read this photo, how the fuck is some camera man supposed to spot it from 100 feet away? Next time guys, I suggest buying a fucking RED marker at least!

But nonetheless, I like the hustle. Keep up the good work recruiting more mutants Followers.

Stay tunes, F's for The Cripple's game recap and analysis of Phils/Jays Game 1 that'll be posted for your pleasure in the morning edition of TBSS.



Thursday, June 24, 2010

June 24 2010 PHI v CLE Game 3. Phils Shellac Chief Getting Sweeped

Poor Tribe. Really, Followers, I'm not gonna jump all over this sweep like it was some major fucking athletic achievement, we beat a last place team. It just pains me to see this team wallowing in squallor like this. Yes, I do have a spot in my heart for The Tribe. They are my AL team. I spent 2 years of my life in Cleveland, 2 of the better years, and 7 dollar Homerun Deck tickets were always a fucking delightful treat. I would even go by myself like a loser sometimes. See, if I were Gerard Cosloy I would said "like a loser or Will Leitch". I have matured somewhat, at least to my notice.

With those feeling aside, I still cannot mask the true glee that fills my every cell when the FUCKING PHILLIES SWEEP SOME MOTHERFUCKERS! The 12-3 housing the men put to the Reservation was a good old fashion Phillies Beatdown. Joe Blanton was the true picture of fat-man strength and the bats played a little game unfamiliar to Citizens Bank Park called small-ball. The sole home run of the afternoon (for the Phils) was rope by newbie Dane Sardinha, our new little Hawaiian non-roster invitee catcher. I'm not even going to fucking start describing innings to you, that's what fucking Gameday is for. There simply were too many hits and I don't have all day. We hit the fuck out of the ball and Blanton pitched the fuck out of the ball. Done deal, in and out.

Chollie got ejected...again, all for getting in FB ump Greg Gibson's face cause he called Shane Victorino out for leaving the baseline to avoid a tag. Fuckin bullshit, Gibson. Charlie Manuel, standing up for the men like only he can. Victorino owes him a fucking kidney.

Of course I wasn't there to witness this Act of God, but in the top of the 8th a fucking maelstrom descended upon the land of good and gooder, CBP. Take a look at this shit:

Also, Followers, be sure to watch out for this bespectacled maniac at Friday night's game against the Jays. Some call him Sean Gray, those select chosen few that call themselves Followers (you) call him The Cripple. He'll be sitting along the 3rd baseline in the 300s with another one of his dorky friends. Please, if you have time or are sitting in his vicinity, hassle the fuck out of him. Knoogies, wedgies, Cheesesteaks to the dome, anything. He'll take it. He's a Real American. I assure you you'll have no trouble finding him. He'll be the guy with the walker and he'll be screaming about how much music sucks and baseball rules. Give him a hard time on me!

I'm taking the day off tomorrow to give way to our newest east coast correspondent, the aforementioned Cripple himself, and his truly revelatory analysis of the Phils/Jays series opener. You know, the series that Jeff Francoeur was crying about us hosting in Philly because it was originally supposed to be in Toronto but some Star Trek convention is being held there. Should be a doozy, me thinks. Good Ol' Roy-Boy pitted against his former side. They know his stuff so let's see if he can sneak it by motherfuckers. Until The Cripple makes a mockery of The Clog, fuck new york and donate to your local Cerebral Palsy charity. We're 2.5 games back, motherfuckers! Let's keep it rolling!


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

June 23 2010 PHI v CLE Game 2. J Fucking Roll Is Really Back, We Were Serious

                                I can't even fuck with this photo it's so perfect

The taxi was seriously 5 minutes away. I had just about clicked the 'PAY NOW' button on the Quantas website for tickets to every one of the pitchers in this game's house to burn effigies and murdering their pets on their lawns while naked and howling drunk. I probably would've gone to my parents house for dinner, too.

Just as this nightmarish fantasy was about to come to fruition I click back to Jimmy Rollins taking aim on a Kerry Woods low fastball and sends it FUCKING SOARING INTO THE SEATS IN LEFT* RIGHT FIELD FOR A FUCKING 2-RUN WALK-OFF HOMERUN!!!!!!!!!!!!! J-ROLL IS FUCKING BACK!!!!!!!!!!

         here it comes, Roll, you're the proud father of a 2-run fucking walk-off homer!!!!!

But, really it was awesome. After the ping-pong match I'd been watching for the last 3 hours I really could hug Roll for the happy ending we've been missing all season. If that fucker Shin-Soo Choo hit another fucking homer off us my brain was going to liquefy. That fucker can hit!

End Result: 7-6 Phils over The Tribe. That's why they call us "The Fightin's". That and the violence.

A word on Kyle Kendrick........

He's a fluke pitcher. One start he's laying down the law like lightning from the Gods and the next he's shitting himself on the mound like a neurotic Jew putting a condom on for the first time. He's not a pitcher of Major League caliber. Sorry, he isn't. I liken him to a little league pitcher that gets "called up" to pitch in the juniors and fans 8 cause he's throwing so slow that it fucks up the older player's timing. Then he gets the call from Coach Skay again a week later and gets beaten like blind junkie for everything he's got. He's not a starter and certainly not a pitcher I want taking us into July. Amaro better be straight up lying to us when he says he's not planning on shaking anything up in the clubhouse because we need another starter. We just plain fucking do.

Really, though, pitchers can get lit up but we've been getting FUCKED UP by teams when the 'Pen is involved. I  honestly hope Chad Durbin's hammy is OK and J.C. Romero remembers that the object of the game is NOT to let ANY runs cross home plate pretty fucking soon. We're starting to bloom offensively. I can't fathom a pitching slump after all this time drowning in the offensive shark tank.

On a posi-note, how about fucking Mike Zagursky? He looked pretty good with some big outs in the 8th, right? Maybe he'll blossom into something like Big League material while back in that 'Pen. Could come in handy, I think.

I'm going to get drunk n the middle of the day today. This deserves celebration. It's Rollins Jersey Week.  Fuck new york and fuck atlanta and fuck all! If there are typos in this post it's because I don't care right now.


*blow me.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

June 22 2010 PHI v CLE Game 1. Another Moyer Kidney Gem

What, Followers? It's a fucking slow news day. The LawnMoyer Man goes 8 magical and heavy innings with 5Ks and gives up 2 lowly hits, one a solo shot at the hands of the bountiful Russell Branyan. A homer that tied Moyer with the late, great Robin Roberts in career homers allowed at 505. That's it. Nothing wild or out of the ordinary. Just Moyer doing is thing at age 47. Fooling every motherfucking hitter with his dancing 79 per fastball. A 2 runs lead against Tribe starter Jason Talbot was all the men could gather in a basket for Uncle Jamie to hold on to so this performance could've have come at a batter (wacka, wacka) time. My Aunt Donna use to have a dog name Talbot. I loved that fucking dog.

An early rally got the Phils started in the botton 1st. Polly singles up the middle and Chut walks for The Big Piece to knock in the first run with a rolling single through hole towards left due to the signature Shift.

The Fucking Rooster sac-flys a monster into deep center easily scoring Chut and giving us the monster lead we held all game. We would've had  3 run tally after an RBI fielder's choice by Victorino but Raul got called for interference. He blantantly slid right at Hernandez, their SS, and fucked up his throw. A for Affort, Raul.

Jimmy's return brought on not much of an offensive spectacle but a solid defensive outing from the man who my heart's been singing Bette Midler tunes too for the last 2 months. 13 games this year and counting for The Roll.

 J.C.Romero got called in for the last frame but just could not get his shit together, allowing 2 walks and knocking down only one Indian. Who do they call in to save the day? Fuck, here comes Lidge. Not again.

Exactly not again. Motherfucker whiffs Austin Kearns and Johnny Peralta easily for the S. My wife is starting to get tired of how shitty I smell after this man takes mound. I just pace around sweating profusely, cursing under my breath until the game is either won or lost. I feel the years of my life just dripping away with every bead of sweat that falls from my pits. They double the passing seconds. But, I got no complaints today and wish Brad To The Bone a goodnight with lots of food and sex. Good show, Goatee!

End result. 2-1. Moyer's 8th win, Lidge's 5th save. Deece.

Phil sent 2008 champ and 2009-10 vamp Greg Dobbs packing. DFA. Dead Fucking Athlete. Love ya but gotta bounce ya, Dobbsey. We'll always remember the good times we had. Peace. I would rock a Dobbs jersey.

In other league news my pal The Cripple, who this year has the misfortune of watching the Orioles try to crack the 20 win mark every night, has informed me the fans have turned into slogan-happy shirt monsters like us in the PHL. The good people at have issued these blunt but effective back-fat covers pleading for the immediate dismissal of Bird's owner Peter Angelos. Cute. This isn't the first time the downtrodden of Birdland have wanted his head but it's been my favorite tactic yet. Hey, I love a t-shirt. I'm gonna fucking buy one.

I couldn't agree more. Check out if you've been drowning in Oriole shit for the last 3 months.

Tomorrow Kendrick tries to double-up on his previous performance of stalling the Yanks against Jake Westbrook. Let's keep it up and hope the White-hot-Sox keep spanking those trailer dwellers from Atlanta. Until next time, dear F's, fuck new york and GO CHI-SOX!


Return Of The Roll

Jimmy Fucking Rollins is back in the line up for tonight's game against The Tribe. Fuck. Cocksucking. Yes. Let's hope all that talk about Roll's return improving all around performance works like A-Rod's Trainer.

This may be old news to some but I just came across this achievement. I've driven by the Blue Rocks park maybe 6 thousand times in my life and I have never once felt compelled to go to a game there. I've even been to several Camden River Sharks games. Games that 30 other people attended. Games in which we were all waiting for the in-between-innings promotion to be a See Who Can Extinguish The Homeless Crackhead We Just Set On Fire First contest. I may have to check this fucking place out when I get back to Philly in September. Followers, enjoy.


Monday, June 21, 2010

June 20 2010 PHI v MIN Game 3. "He's a BUM!!!!!!!"

No he isn't. He's sure shitting up the place a bit but he's no rummy. Roy Halladay, the Straight White Hope that we all thought would go 25 wins and give up .034 runs all season is showing signs of pressure failure. Sure he can't win every game but yesterday was simply ridiculous. Carl Pavano, really? 4-hits? That's all the cock we could muster? I know any 4-1 loss hurts, especially when Wilson Valdez is the only one with the ballbag to get a run on the board, but this lack of offense after a gangbuster weekend is just fucking mystifying. It's as if Halladay knows that offense won't support him so why not work fast and get it over with.11 hits is bad for any pitcher to lob but fucking the Great Roy-Boy? I don't know what excuse to throw at you, Followers, for this kind of mediocre performance. I know it's not even my place, it's his, but I still like to hypothesise. He's not over-worked, he's certainly not secretly injured. What is it? The new found pressure of pitching for a team in contention? Me thinks a bit but he's professional and works through it like the best of them. Perhaps yesterday was just a shitty start and that's that? Really in his last 3 losses he's given up a grand total of 14 runs. Jamie Moyer, who's pitching has been the spectre of greatness, and Joe Blanton gave that up more in 2 innings last weekend. Maybe it's the perfect game curse? He's only had 1 win since and all the spooks that fly around the diamond night and night can cast quite the imposing spell upon a man who keeps binders on batters. Even the most analytical can be superstitious. 

There are a million supposed reasons for Roy's recent decline and lack of support and I'm not gonna pretend like I know what the fuck is happening like some limp-dicked columnist but the one thing I can tell you is that it sucks dog-dick. Just a bad roll. We can hit and then we can't for the Ace. Roy's got control of the zone and then he doesn't. It's natural. Take it of leave it. I'll take it. I like Roy, a lot. I want him to succeed. For you, for me, for all good peoples of the good city, Philadelphia. I'm just fatigued from walking around asking myself questions like "What the fuck is going on in the fucking piece of shit world?" all day long. Remember, F's, here on Penis Island I watch games a 9am most days and I have all fucking day to ruminate on the events. A loss really is a shitty way to begin a day. I get frustrated, angry, bitchy and woman-y but eventually get over it. I am such a girl about this shit but fuck it. It's all I've got in the anal fissure of a setting. I'm rolling with the reamings.

Roy's next start is next week against the Jays, his former outfit. They fucking lit him up in ST. I'm not calm.

We got the Tribe this week, a team I hold dear to the heart having lived in Cleveland for 2 years. I still hope we tune them up real good. We need the wins and we need 'em bad if we don't want Milt Thompson and Rich Dubee standing in the unemployment line come October. 95  left. Let's make 'em count.

I, with every fibre of my being, hate the sight of Mr. Cock, Mark Teixeira's gauche chompers and his cunty grin staring down any of our starters but it was mighty fucking delightful to watch him send a salami over the wall against Santana yesterday. That's 2 for the year, Blohan. I seem to remember the other one.......

                  RIP MANUTE. 47. Fucking Jamie Moyer is 47.

Fuck new york and brush you hair.


Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Fucking Fathers Day

My dearest Followers,

From 3 generations of asshole and the entire staff here at The Big Sharkey Show, we'd like to wish all of you dads out there a happy and sexual Fathers Day. Make that wife or ex-girlfriend of yours do all the work!

Go Phils!!!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

June 19 2010 PHI v MIN Game 2. The Bullpen Gets Ass Raped By AIDS Demons

Here's the situation, Followers....... Top 9th, 9-4 Phils. Jose Contreras closed out the 8th in 3 pitches so he's called back for finish. Instead he gives up a 2-run home rune to Jim Thome. I don't think they're gonna give him a standing ovation tomorrow, me thinks. 9-6. 

Then Brad "to the bone" Lidge gets the call to finish the job. Contreras had a rough on so Lidge has to get 3 outs. He gets 2. He also gives up a game tying 2-run jack to Joe Fucking Mauer to....... TIE THE FUCKING GAME!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????!!!! WE HAD A 5 RUN LEAD 10 MINUTES AGO!!!!! Whatever, we can get that last run in the bottom 9th. 

We don't. Extra innings. Fuck the universe.

So, Followers, up next in the cavalcade of shit is Chad Durnbin. He has to be able to hold them for 3 fucking innings. Sure the bottom of our batting order is due up but we've got the home field! We can get that 10 runs before you give up Drew Butera first home run ever, right? Fuck you, Durbin, in the ass....... 9-10, Twins.

OK, I know, why are we talking about another one of our shitty pitchers? How did we even make it to the 11th? BECAUSE ROSS, BUNDY, GLOAD HITS FUCKING 2 OUT 2 STRIKE HOMER TYING THE FUCKING GAME!!!!! Alright!, there is NO WAY we are gonna give this game up now! We are gonna battle back! What a great Sportscenter!!!! I can't wait.....for Danys Baez to walk Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau and then allow Delmon Young to Single and Matt Tolbert to double driving in 3 runs, completely deflating any fucking air we had the Philly tires. Fuck your face, you worthless faggot.

We go down weakley in the bottom 11th. 10-13. A wasted fucking day.

I hope you all get pushed into lake full of Piranha. Fuck you so hard that your principals from grade school feel it. I can't even feel my hands right now...

Fuck new york and I think we know who gets the other end of the double-dong. With a kiss. Let's go get 'em tomorrow, boys.

Love, Your Pal....

June 18 2010 PHI v MIN Game 1. Voodoo Must Work

Last night after the Phil's ran rampant over the Twins in the 9-5 victory of game one of the series I found this stationed in front of my upstairs toilet. Seems my father, John Jr, has been having a bit of a problem clearing out the plumbing. He's decided to give Voodoo a go of his own after watching Chase Utley demolish a Nick Blackburn fastball, breaking a 24 game homer-less drought with his 3-run shot into the heavens of Citizens Bank Park. As soon as any news breaks you, my dear Followers, will be the first to know! That's just the kind of up-to-the-minute coverage you get here at TBSS

Another monster fucking night for Big Piece, as he goes 4 for 4 and a single short of the cycle, looking sharp as he is witty with 2 homers, an RBI triple and a late game double to lead the full-forced offensive against the Twins early and hard. Just like we all like it.

Chutley came out to play last night, shaking off rumors of injuring, saying more with his actions to dispel that horseshit than he ever could at any press conference. Aside form the 3-run jack mentioned above, Chutley brought his fucking defensive arsenal apparently. In the top 5th, the Twins Jason Kubel smashed one off Joe Blanton into deep center, bouncing it off the top of the wall and sending it careening past Shane Victorino into open space. As Victorino finally regained his composure and the ball he throws to cut off man Utley as Kubel is getting the green light to round 3rd for an inside-the-parker. Not on fucking Utley's eco-frinedly watch. Utley guns it to Ruiz, dead fucking on target, and Choochie tags Kuble out shattering the hopes and dreams of Gardenhire and the boys. The ease he executed this play with was practically an open letter to the Philly Sports Media reading simply "Injured? Suck my dork...".

It wasn't all fucking peaches and cream, though. Despite Joe Blanton doing 7 stable innings allowing only 3 apposing runs to cross home plate, we did encounter some Twins resistance in the top 9th with new activated Scott Mathieson in for the close, a Phil's tosser who hasn't seen the bright lights of The Show since his 8 starts in 2006. To be kind he was a little rusty in his grand re-opening last night. Sure it's his first big job in 4 years and sure he was clocking in at 98 per but all the cards seemed to fall the way of the Twins. Mathieson loads the bases up on singles and gives up 2 runs cutting the lead to 4 runs all the while not exhibiting the kind of confidence I need in a closer to not feel an impending coronary. After clumsily knocking 2 outs off the side Brad Lidge is called in to record the last out, a fly to Rooster from the frightening and yet cuddly Joe Mauer

Choochie took a broken bat to the helmet in the 8th but seemed to be able to walk it off. You know, rub some Montezuma's Revenge on it and be a man. Let's hope the Landscaper Of Sanity is back in working order for tonight's battle.

End Result: 9-5,  3 straight wins for Phils, Blanton gets his second win for the season finally and guns are seemingly back in check. Tomorrow Hamels defends his status as Top Chef against Twins righty Kevin Slowey. Let's keep poundin' 'em and get that big tasty wifey quim while we got the home field, boys! I could totally be a manager, no problem.

     Your Editor on a sheep, where else would you get this  kind of content? Community Radio?

Also, if you read the Clog I implore you to become a Follower. I know there are more than 21 motherfuckers who read this fucking thing! It's easy. Just fucking click "become a follower" and you're in one of the most exclusive clubs in the universe. Deviant sex, drugs, books...whatever you desire is at your fingertips here at The Big Sharkey Show!!!!

Until Tomorrow, F's, fuck new york and fuck the world cup straight in the ass 70 times.