July 30 2010 PHI v WSH Game 1. Cry About It, You Wimps

Roy Oswalt's first start as a Phillie went a little bit astray to intended plan of attack. Yeah, it was shit. He worked 6 innings, gave up 5 runs 4 earned and looked like a frustrated 10 year old playing Zelda against Washington starter Craig Stammen, a scrub at best. Oswalt's first pitch was even laced into the gap in right center by Nyger Morgan for a triple. Yeah, that was pretty shit.

But before you all start whining about Cliff Lee and bemoaning the loss of J.A. Happ, an ordinary pitcher, let's hark back to the start our duly missed ace, Clifton Lee, brought to the table for Texas in his first appearance in a Rangers uni. He was lumped up by Baltimore for 6 runs. BALTIMORE, a class AA team at best, at least this year. Cliff Lee? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, NOT THE MIGHTY CLIFF LEEEEEEE!!!!! Shit happens, he's still Cliff Lee and Roy Oswalt is still Roy Oswalt. Get over it.

Before you internet crucify him for his first outing we should look at a few factor that could've contributed to such a lack luster start by Os.

He didn't exactly have time to settle into his new role as Messiah. He basically stepped off the plane in Washington, drove to the park, suited up and walked onto the field to warm up. People bitching and moaning about how he's supposed to deliver us from evil with attitudes like "Hey awesome monkey man, go be awesome, faggot!" would probably crumble under this kind of pressure. I mean imagine mop duty for 6 months and then being asked to work the frier? Yes, he's a professional and should be read to go at any time but it's a little unreasonable.

Secondly, where the fuck was all that offense we've been coming with as of late? 1 fucking run from Werth's Homer in the 7th, after Oswalt was taken out, is all we could shimmy up the fucking pipe? Putrid garbage hacking and grounding riddled the entire game against a pitcher we've previously murdered in the ass.This wasn't just a shit outting by a starting pitcher, wit was a team effort. a big toilet full of every team member's shit.

Carlos Ruiz' fucking throw to 3rd on a bunt with NO ONE COVERING FUCKING 3RD had a little bit to do with this game going down the crapola hole. Bottom 3rd, runners on 1st and 2nd and one of those Nationals fucking bunts up the 3rd baseline, Greg Dobbs--instead of charging the ball-- dances out of the way into foul ground for Choochie to throw the ball into left field and Stammen came into to score. Seriously, Los, I love you but fucking look where you're fucking throwing. That was just embarrassing. Just think about how bad you're gonna get bagged out on Sportcenter and that Spanish AM station.

Whatever the reasons or circumstance that added up to this shit-cocktail none of them adequately excuse it, especially in a professional realm. Os gets this game as a buffer. If in 5 days he looks the part of the frustrated monkey trainer we've got fucking problems.

Meanwhile as I defend Oswalt, Happ goes 6 scoreless in his Houston debut against the Brewers. Big fucking deal.....We'll just have to do better. Fuck new york and get over Cliff Lee, he's gone.

JSIII

P.S. Miguel Bautista was right..... If I paid for Strasburg and got this I'd want a refund, too.

Jokes, baby, jokes....

July 29 2010 PHI v ARI Game 3. 8 Is Great And The New Assassin

Morning, Followers! In the most fucking bizarre and unlikely pitcher's duel between Kyle Kendrick and some fucking dude on the D-Backs, The Phils managed to squeeze their 8th straight win thanks to Exxon Valdez and his 3-hit, hot-shit perfromance. It ony took the Fightin's 11 fucking innings to get it doen but THEY GOT IT DONE. That's all that matters at the end of the night. 2.5 back, motherfuckers. Oh and......

The homestand sweep, first time since '92!

The game was an odd affair, filled with boring 1-2-3 inning delivered by both pitchers in a battle of the mediums. No offense to KK and the boys for their effort but it was almost like watching a womens soccer match. It was a scoreless affair until the bottom 5th when the Fucking Landscaper of Sanity, Carlos Ruiz roped in Cody ransom from first with a double cracking the nil-nil scoreline. I was so excited that I sang some corny chant and then spun around while jumping up and down waving a flag or some shit. Then I sat back down and continued to knit a scarf.

The Fucking Raul brought things to life again with a lead off solo jack in the 6th to brings things to a head at 2-0. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL!! I hate soccer.

KK did his sloppy ace thing unti the top 7th when the shit and the balls started to fly. He gave up a 2 strike homer to D-backs Miguel Montero and then a single to Marc Reynolds. For once Chollie must've heard me screaming TAKE HIM THE FUCK OUT!!!! throught my shitty internet connection. Kendrick has been mercurial at best in these last few months and we all know that, just like Blanton, when it starts to rain jizz, it starts to fucking poor. He did his job. 1 hit in 6 1/3 innings on a billion pitches thrown. Good work to you, laddy.

Mad Dog Madson must not have had his Wheaties because he did not come into the top 9th like a champion. He immediately gave up a lead off double to Justin Upton which eventually became the tying fucking run once J.C. Romero got brought in to get out of the situation. Romero gave up a single, a grounder RBI andwalked 2 but somehow got away by the skin of his ass with a bases loaded double play to end the fucking inning.

It wasn't until FUCKING WILSON EXXON VALDEZ came to the plate in the bottom 11th with 2 hits on the night already to fucking send Cody Ransom, who also had a multi-hit affair, sliding around a tag at home on a fucking dingleberry single. Of course Valdez gets the Hoagie of Heat! Who the fuck else would? Game fucking over 3-2. Bring on Washington. It's like fucking home away from home playing down there!

Which brings me to the topic of Roy Oswalt and his recent fitting for the Red Pinstripes. Yes, you all know this is big but really you have no idea how big this really could be. He is a Phillie and he is ready to win. Thats all he wants. He doesn't want BS stats or a wins record and his whining has vanished, Os wants a fucking ring. He's even said as much:

‎"I'm at a point in my career where I just want a chance to get back to the World Series like I did in '05 with Houston," he said. "I'm excited to be going to Philly. I love watching Roy Halladay pitch and I think with him and [Cole] Hamels the three of us can feed off each other."

Apart from totally dissing Kendrick and Blanton in this statement (and c'mon, folks, you know he's fucking right about who's gonna do the damage) and realizing that like Lee Harvey-- he will not act alone-- this is what I want to hear from any player. His desire to fucking destroy should surpass all. Fuck stats, get that ring. He starts tonight for the first time with the sacred P on his head like a halo. I want to see some of that fierce determination jizzed all over Washington.

There is also trade whispers going down the lane of maybe Fausto Carmona or Jose Bautista perhaps slipping into a Phils uni before Saturday 4pm. Cleveland and Shapiro are always eager sellers so that seems to be more the likely sinario. KK gets bounced back down leaving only one sorta shakey spot in the rotation in Joe Blanton. Honestly folks, I don't like when he pitches. He still makes me nervous. I'd love to be proven wrong, I really fucking would. I would also like to see Bautista and his 30 HRs playing on my fucking baseball team but I'm trying to remain realistic. We'll fucking see.

I know all of my loyal Followers will be glued to CSN like flies on a braves fan for the Oswalt show and the Kennedy motorcade to roll on by. I'll be at the NLA with my cretins. I want to also come up with his nickname. I have a few ideas. We'll keep them for next time, pricks. Until tomorrow fuck new york and let's bring home numero 9!

JSIII

July 28 2010 PHI v ARI Game 2. Some Dude Named Don Brown Got A Double?

Roy Halladay fucking cruised his way through another breezy complete game, his 8th on the year, but the new kid in town, Dominic Brown aka THE BROWN DOMINATOR, is going to be hoggin' most of the TBSS spotlight in this post. Roy, we know you're the shit. Take this blog off and have a mai-tai. Give the new kid some face time, will ya?

So, this new kid, Dominic Brown gets called up from Lehigh Valley cause The Flyin' Hawaiian strains his left oblique. Supposedly this kid is hot shit. I guess his first at bat he smoked a double off the right field wall for an RBI double. Yeah, I know....Jason Hey-what? Hey-who. Move the fuck over beef-oven cause The Brown Doublenator is in town. The kid who's ears have been burning all season long in regards to Jayson Werth trade talks, Ibanez replacement issues, how he's the one untouchable prospect treasure we have in AAA or how he's like Darryl Strawberry without the fucking sass-back or baggage finally gets his start. You name it, if it involved Phillies upgrade talks, D Brown was first name to be bandied about. It was kind of like when Little Lupe was first on the Howard Stern Show. Do you remember when the innocent little Latin porn queen made her first appearance? "Vagina poooooooooosey".

2 Ribbies, 2 hits and a standing fucking ovation. This was his fucking major league debut, that's how anticipated this kid's been. The hottest of Phils commodities of the farm system finally gets to show the rest of the free world, or nerds who don't read the scouting reports (not me), what kind of impregnating he can do. The newbie helps push the offense to support the always wondering Halladay to smashed the D-backs 7-1; his 11th W, the Phil's 7th consecutive, their 10th at home. He's got a nice swing with a good follow-through. Contributor Chuck Meehate thinks it's akin to the swing of one Chase Utley. Let's fucking hope so.

                            The kid and Lopes are really gonna have to get this one fucking figured out.

Sure, it was his first game so I'm not gonna call this kid The Messiah. He did a fucking great job on his first appearance and fucking pulled the sack together to fill in the for irreplaceable Victorino. But yeah, he'll slump. Everyone fucking does, and yes we will bust his sack about it. Hard. He's not fucking Ryan Howard yet, Followers, but he is humble and he is looking good. I'd love to see this kid waltz into town and smash all life in his way with the thunder of Oprah's mudflaps, who wouldn't? The kid still has to show longevity under pressure and the resilience it takes to go through the Philly ringer in the worst of times. Like I said, we're gonna break his stones when it gets tough. It's just the way we show love. Like a drunk dad. Welcome home. You're still not getting the Hoagie Of Heat until you do this at least 2 more times. Let that be a motivator.

I'm also not gonna dis our dependable workhorse veterans either, Follower's. Brown wasn't the only bag of flaming shit on the D-backs doorstep. Fucking Jayson Werth, who' s seemed to have woken from his offensive beauty sleep, went 3-4 scoring 3 runs, the Lanscaper Of Sanity bashed in 3 RBIs with 2 doubles and Polanco's head womped in a man. Not to mention The Roy-Toy who whiffed fucking 9 and walked not a single motherfucker. A team fucking effort. 

So, according to league sources the Oswalt trade to Philly is a go and it doesn't involve The Rooster Jayson Werth. Supposedly J.A. Happ is gonna be the sacrificial lamb to bring the Astro's ace to town, all we're waiting on is a response from the Oswalt camp on whether or not he's gonna waive his no-trade clause. This could be a smart move for both parties involved. The Phillies who now are in the midst of a pennant race again with the rejuvenated offense are in need of another "sure thing" type arm. Another guy of the Cole Hamels+ calibre to take us down the stretch. Houston, who would reportedly get Happ and Lakewood 1st baseman Jonathan Singleton, are trying to rebuild. My honest opinion on Happ is that he's not ready to start destroying this year. He's still green and the scabs are still falling off his April arm strain. I really don't see him be an effective tool in any rotation this year, especially ours in a pennant stretch. But next year the kid could be lethal. Given the proper time he could blossom into a death hound. Houston's as good as any place to start over, that's their whole idea. Fuck it, they suck. Sell off the goods and get some promising young fucks who could do damage when they get their footing again.

The last I heard, Oswalt DID NOT want to pitch in Philadelphia. His main preference was, we all know, the Cardinals as they seem a dead lock for post season play. I hope if we acquire him he doesn't turn into a woman's underwear catalog. The fucking Phillies have just as much a chance of seeing the post season as anyone. It's not our fault we don't have The Reds to play patty-cake with every other day. The NL east has proven to be a bit more of a challenge for the wounded Fightin's this season but with all the fucking snake bite we've still held it together. No whiners in these ranks. If you get tossed here, make a note of it. Play your ass off for your millions. Also, if this was all bullshit then fuck it... a bad source is a bad source.

I was in Sydney yesterday to talk to some Americans about letting my kid be one, too. On our way to the American Building we saw this sitting on a bus stop bench. Class.

Tonight we go for sweep numero dos in a row with Kendrick on the mound. If he's half as potent as he was his last start against Jiminez we'll be shitting daisies! Let's keep takin' it to the streak. Fuck new york and teach your children/junkies how to use a trash can.

JSIII

July 27 2010 PHI v ARI Game 1. Ups And Downs And Phils And Clowns

Regarding yesterdays post....

Australia, for all the beauty that she emanates, still has yet to catch up to the internet technology standards of Laos 2004. Please excuse the brevity of our coverage of the sweeper of the Colorado series. 

Sincerest apologies,
You Editor

Last night's game was a fucking doozy, Followers,so I'm not gonna be cute with a witty introductory paragraph, there's too much to tackle. Let's rip right into 'er.....

Cole Hamels had a rocky fucking start yesterday, F's. Thing's had been going great for li'l Colio but the tide turned against him immediately in his 31 pitch first inning of the Arizona series opener, loading the bases with bad pitches missing their intended spots. He walked in the first run of the game but got out of a potentially fucked situation with only mild bruising. I'll take 1 run in on a bases loaded situation with a team that is more than capable of roping the long ball any day of the fucking week. We got off light, me thinks.

After floundering with men in scoring position for 2 innings, The Phils struck back in the 3rd on a Ryan Fucking Howard RBI to tie the game and then later in the inning took an early lead when D-Back's starter, Rodrigo Lopez (ex-Phil) walked in the go ahead run. Whoopsy. Almost instant Karma.

This lead was quickly fucking erased the very next frame by a Marc Reynold solo skee-ball to dead center. The lead crept back in the favor of The D-backs on a 2 out fucking single the very next inning. This happens a fucking lot in case you missed the game. I hope you're starting to feel as frustrated in the male (penis) as I did. It may have been more dramatic in real time but who the fuck am I to say?

It only took 105 at-bats but it finally showed up in the  inning as Jayson Fucking Werth, The Rooster, smoked a 2-run jack in to dead center to take the lead back from the Bags, 4-3.  The last jack from Werth was on June 23st, it took my man over a month to find number 14 for the year. The word streaky does no justice but fuckin' a, Rooster. Good to have you back. Roos went 2-4 with 2 walks, a single and said jackaroonie.

Now of course we have to volley the fucking lead back to Arizona like some game of retarded badminton to make this more fun/suicidal and David Herndon comes through with a little help from the Big Piece. The newby Herny gave up a lead off single and a walk to start the frame, paving the way for a grounder to Howard to turn from simple dp ball into a bases loaded situation due to Piece's hacked throw to Valdez at second. A sac fly next brings in the tying run only to have a second dp ball goes rolling to Polanco. Polly scoops the ball, applies the tag to the runner headed to second then flips to Howard to end the inning. Only problem is that the second base ump had a different idea of what "tagging the runner" fucking looked like. Dingus claimed Polly's tag was fucking off and another faggoty run crossed the plate. One more eye and he'd be a fucking cyclops.... 5-4 D-backs.

Now who else but hot-to-trot Raul fucking Ibanez could come into a 2 out situation with Choochie at 3rd to knock in the tying run? Maybe Don Rickles or George Washington, 2 great guys. Regardless that ribbie openes the whorehouse door for today's Hoagie of Heat award winnner, RYAN FUCKING HOWARD, to step to the plate and do his fucking thing. The belly of the beast goes the ball and the game is fucking 7-5, Phils. Like I says.....Piece just doing his thing, he can chuck one more award on his cluttered mantle!

Top of the seventh with Danyz Baez working on the mound, a pop-out to Shane Victorino who makes the catch turns from routine to a fucking continuation of this season's nightmare. Shane is pulled from the game due to a left oblique strain. This is shit. The meager silver lining to this shit taco is that this may be the final straw to bring up Dominic Brown, or as contributor Scotty has dubbed him, The Brown Dominator. There really is no other option at this point, especially if Werth gets dumped off in an Oswalt trade. This is looking less likely because Oswalt has stated he doesn't even ant to come play in Philly like the Whiner he is so we'll fucking see, won't we?

If Oswalt stays put we could Push Werth to center and have Gload and Francisco work out the RF duties together but I really think that takes a big pitch hitter out of the situation if need be in an already almost bare cupboard. Bring up the Dominator, what the fuck can it hurt? If Werth does go for Oswalt in the end this will mean we have a young-blood in right or center and Benny Francisco pulling full time shifts until Vic is recovered. Yes we lose another bench hitter but what can you do, at least we'll have a new arm. Barring there is even necessity for such rash actions. Vic could walk this of in a matter of days, he is a 5' 8" ox.

Now today's minor HOH award has got to go to Cody Fucking Insurance Runs Ransom. He jacked a fucking smoked liner into the left filed seat to bring the tally to 9-5, easing the foot off the bullpen's throat. I guess we can call the minor HOH award something like  the Italian Sausage of Insurance. I like that, we'll go with that. New awards here evey fucking day, F's!!!

Ryan Madson, the Mad-Dog as he is sometimes called, fucking dealt nothing but pain and misery in the top frame of the 9th, sittin' 'em down 1-2-3. Game 6 of the winning streak is in the bag, the 9th straight at home. Boo. Fucking. Yah. Fuck. Stick.Can you hear it, Braves? We're only 3.5 game behind you now....You can hear it. The sound of ignorant bowels quivering. Roy-Boy's got mound tonight and we got the confidence to get it done.

Lastly, TBSS would like to pay tribute to a fallen longtime Neil Young sideman and Nashville fixture, Ben Keith, who passed away Monday at age 73. Keith first pulled lap-steel guitar duties for Neil on the Harvest album in 1973 as a memeber of the Stray Gators which spawned a life-long friendship and musical kinship that lasted over 4 decades. The last time I saw Neil in Sydney Benny was behind the lap-steel fucking it up like the man only can and it really struck what a crucial element to the sound he produced. The signature sound of his playing danced like tears on crystaline in a perfect world. This is a real loss in an already depleted musical climate. We leave you with one of my favorite Neil tracks that Keith did his thing on, "LA" from the album Time Fades Away. RIP BEN KEITH.

JSIII

July 26 2010 PHI v COL Game 4. Sweeping Down The Mountain

I've decided a few things, Followers. For one, whenever the Phils sweep a team I'm going to post this fucking incredible image that was first used back in May when we swept the Brew Crew.


Secondly, I'm instituting a new award to honor a certain player or players who've displayed a profound and considerable excellence on the field. Say J-Roll hits another walk-off or Jayson Werth swings at the ball with RISP and 2 outs. A real hero of the day type jive bullshit. This dubious honor has been dubbed The Hoagie Of Heat and the first player to have the magnificent glory bestowed upon his large scrotum is Brian Schnieder. Schneidy displayed massive amounts of character and testicle in yesterday's victory over the Rockies. His 2 run triple in the bottom 2nd yesterday tarted the offensive fire that launched us over the mountains and into the heavens. Not only did he get 2 big ribbie but he made the Rockies defense look like clowns, falling all over themsevves to get turn a base hit into a fucking tirple. This firmly cements my theory that Phillies catchers are due more fan felatio than any city east of the Mississippi. Things get kind of murky once you cross the big river into cities with names like Mauer and Molina in uniform, crouched behind the plate. Whatever, Brian Schneider, you will be able to look back and fondly remember you were the first to have ahoagie microsoft painted in a phot of you stolen from an AP website.

I don't know what to say about Mr. Lidge that hasn't already been said. His mercurial mound presence has wavered from testicle/ovaries*-in-throat exhilaration to just plane sucking wigger cocks in front of 40,000+ paid customers. He's brings the cliche' of "rollercoaster ride" to dizzying new lows. If yesterday's save were an amusement at Hershey Park it could easily be the marquee attraction. Oh, Fuck Here We Go could be a adequate name for it. Maybe the This Again, Do They Never Fucking Learn? I can't exactly harp too much on this one since he pull the save off but I do feel terribly sorry for those in attendance. He had a 3 run lead going into the top 9th only to open the frame with a lead of double and a fucking sky rocket in flight off the bat of Seth Smith. Confidence? Who needs it?!!! Shit, then he walks Jonathan Herrera. Bowels quivering? Check. Then Carlos Gonzalez singles, then he intentionally walks Jason Giambi. Fuck if you thougt the only way to top yesterday's thrill ride through Lidge-ville was to be diagnosed with cancer you were surely mistaken.


But then just like that he gets Ryan Splilborger to swing a bunt at him and it's over, just like that. I don't know if I can deal with this shit anymore....


JSIII


*We here at TBSS firmly believe that a Brad Lidge save situation is not gender specific. No, my ex-girlfriend majored in Women's Studies.

July 25 2010 PHI v COL Game 3. ...Like The Deserts Miss The Rain

                                                         Maybe I could draw a dick right here...

Fuck, Followers,  we got ourselves a nice little nipple-hardening roll going on here! Four straight fucking wins, three off the Rockies and 2 of those wins were off opposing pitching staff aces Ubaldo Jiminez and Cardinals Adam Wainwright. Things are looking fucking fantastic for the Men in Red Stripes. I haven't been crying much. Please ignore the Everything But The Girl reference in the post title.Tomorrow I'll try to tie in a Duncan Sheik song title into the headline.

J.A. Happ made his first start since April and came with a proper quality start like no time had lapsed since his arm strain. 5 innings of work giving up only 3 runs, 4 hits and 1 BB while he K'd 4 and looked the part of Big League Starter. If it hadn't a been for the corny and shitty hour-and-a-half rain delay I'm sure Happ could've gotten at least 3, maybe 6 more outs under his sack. I guess we'll never know. Supposedly he's being  as trade bait for Roy Oswalt, as well, so we may actually never know. At least on our staff.

Benny Franciso and J-Roll came to the swingers party with all the fucking favors. Big Ben put a Jeff Frances fastball back up his ass, out his mouth and into the seats in deep left field to get the Phils on the board for 2 while Jimmy socked Exxon Valdez in with a RBI single in the bottom 7th off reliever Joe Beimel. Rox' centerfielder Carlos Gonzales booted the ball on the play and Roll advanced to 2nd base. 

One batter later as Jayson Werth came up to pull his usual walk or strike out in the face of danger (RISP),  Rafael Betancourt tosses a pitch in the dirt that gets away from Rox's catcher Miguel Olivo but Nuno Betancourt didn't cover the plate like a dumb dickhead allowing Roll to come barreling down the 3rd base line to score the go ahead run. 4-3, Phils!

A good show from the Bullpen from 6th to 8th kept things clean bring up Brad To the Bone Lidge to clinch the save in the top 9th.

I've figure out the perfect metaphor for a Brad Lidge save. It's a near-death experience. There's one out and nobody on in a 1-run game when Lidge gives up a walk then a line-drive single through the middle You feel yourself starting to lose conscientiousness. You begin to feel very light and cold. But then an out is recorded and your bodily weight feels substantial again but not for long enough to breathe in. Just as the gravity of life begins to return, Jason Giambi walks to the plate with 2 outs and 2 on. You begin to hear the faint sound of your grandmother beckoning from the other side. Giambi's fierce girth crowds the plate like fat-camp escapee intimidating Lidge into throw garbage until ball four is called. The bases are loaded. You can see the light, it's blinding you from somewhere above the Liberty Bell. You hear music, the best music you've eve fucking heard in your life. You see Abe Lincoln fucking Ethel Merman over a pile of Authentic On-Field Ryan Howard, Steve Carlton and Ricky Jordan jerseys that are all yours once you inherit your destiny in the heavens above. You feel scared but intrigued. Just as you've accepted your new path to a higher plain of being one of the fiercest sliders crosses home plate for strike 3 and you come thunderously crashing down to earth like the rays of the morning sun on salvation day. You feel peace. Brad Lidge has saved us. 4-3.

This is just how you feel when he DOES save the game. I can't even possibly muster the gumption to be that eloquent when he fucks my life up that severely.

We got one more today with the Rox and the series that we should win on paper; a Haren-less D-backs since he got booted to Anaheim and the Nationals, both at home. This is a perfect a chance as ever to regain some of that lost ground from the Knaves. Yes, these are series that we should dominate in theory but I'm not gonna go calling the shots before the guns even loaded. Right now we gotta hope that Big Joe Blanton can get finally get that booyah start that he's been diggin' in for all season long to sweep the Rox.

So, tomorrow I have an appointment with an anesthesiologist at the Cooma Hospital. Yes, Followers, it's time to surgically take care of my stigmata, my affliction. After 6 long years it's time to say goodbye to Pilonidal cyst #2. Piley, it's been fun. I'll never forget all the jeans and underwear you've stained as you gave me the closest taste into the insight of a menstruating woman. Auf-wiedersehen, Piley. The operation is next week so we'll be having a few special guests take over TBSS for a day or two. I guess I'll be in that awful hospital for a few days laid up dealing with sponge-baths from 75 year old immigrant nurses. Yes, I'm horny. Yes, I'll be documenting all of this. Stay tuned, F's and remember.....fuck new york and fcuk new york.

JSIII

July 24 2010 PHI v COL Game 2. Ubaldo, U Mad

Well, Followers, if he ain't mad he's definitely fucking confused. The soft spoken, respectful ace of the Rockies pitching staff, Ubaldo Jiminez, went 2+ innings, walked 6 and earned 6 runs. Kyle Kendrick, a pitcher sent down to triple-a just 5 days prior for giving up 3 home runs in one innings to the Cardinals and overall being a weak and ordinary arm, went 7 strong innings with 3 Ks, 1 BB and 1 earned run. What the fuck, is this fucking Bizarro-World we are living in?

When asked about pitching in Philly, Jiminez showed no attempt to hide his praise for the fans and their adamant heat that they bring onto the opposition. 

"I love the fans," Jimenez said. "They're on you even when you start to warm up, and they don't stop. 'We're going to kill you.' 'You're not going to last five innings.' It's like Fenway."...

Well, the young gun surely felt that heat as he only lasted 3 inning, the last of which he didn't even record a single out. A single to J-Roll, walks to Polly and Raul followed by the big cockspurt of pain heard round the mountain range. The Big Piece smashed a triple down the right field line clearing the bases giving the men a 3-0 lead. Only one pitch later did Jayson Werth try to call time out, not get time granted, and watched Jiminez' pitch sale wide and wild for Big Piece to steal home. 4-0. My dong is still erect. Are you kidding me? The most feared pitcher in the National League and we've just taken his ass for a ride? What else would happen, Phils?

We lumped him up for 2 more plus 1 for that inning. Rooster got knocked in by Greg Fucking Dobbs and J-Roll hit another fucking triple knocking in Schneider and Victorino to bring the 30 minute inning's damage to 7 runs. Somebody must've been reading my rant about RSP from yesterday's post....wink, wink, Greg Gross.....

Another 2-run roper from The Raul, an RBI single from J-Roll and a clean performance from newcomer, Vance Worley, who made his first major lead appearance in yesterday's game for the close, brought things to a nice and cozzy end at 10-2. Like I said before, what fucking universe am I living in? GO FUCKIN' FIGHTIN'S! Show 'em who's fucking still boss!

Despite Ubaldo being apart of a savage and soul-less expansion team he's a great sportsman and a great, pure talent. A rare breed these days. The fact that he upped the Philly fan and took his kocks like a man shows he'll be a great asset to the world of baseball. Meanwhile we are inundated with some roided up buttfinger trying to achieve his 600 hundredth HR every 5 second as the MLB network sucks A-Cup's inferior male counterpart. Seriously, people who care about this should join NAMBLA.

Ubaldo, we here at TBSS salute the fuck out of you. Of course I'd be writing you a death threat of you aced us but that's a whole other potato:

J.A. Happ makes his first start today since April. His numbers in the minors have been less than stellar. By less than stellar I mean cocoa the monkey could do better. I fucking hope he's leaving that all behind for a quick return to almost rookie of the year dominance. Until next time fuck new york and protect your wetlands.

JSIII

July 23 2010 PHI v COL Game 1. More Like Coors Light

Well that was a fucking nice little show we got last night, Followers, the type of play we've been missing round these parts. A 6-0 blanking of the Rockies at the hands of Death Dealer Halladay for his 11th W coupled with the offensive coma awakening of The Raul, a true domination of the expansion prayer group! Doc went 8, K'd 9 and gave up not shit. Raul got the cock out to drive in 3 RBIs and Ross Fucking Gload aka Gloss Fucking Load got some serious long-ball face time with a 3-run jack, his 4th of the year, on our quest for vengeance of the last time Roy-Boy got a no decision from his hometown representatives. That John Denver is full of shit!.

Shane Victorino gets the Team Player of the Fucking Year award for electing to bench himself for the start of yesterday's game. His reasoning being that he hasn't done shit off Rockies starter Adam Cook in past performances so he let Big Bad Bundy, Ross Gload start in Right moving Jayson Werth to center field. The genius of this move paid massive dividends as Ross Gload sent a mean 3-run load into the Phil's bullpen during a 5 run 5th inning effectively knocking Cookie on his ass and allowing Victorino to la the remaining innings.

The only issue I will be a hard-on about in regards to last night is the hitting with RSP nightmare that could've bit us in the ass had the balls not started to fly in the 5th. We stranded 6 runners in scoring position in the first 4 innings, got our knocks, but then stranded the bases fucking loaded again in the bottom 7th. My only concern is with this is that sometimes 6 runs just ain't gonna hold a team like Colorado down, especially when Halladay isn't pitching. Flushing those runs down the toilet with someone like Kendrick, who's due to start tonight, or someone like Herndon or Baez in relief who've been less consistent lately could've seriously come back to haunt us up the ass. I'm not going to stress on the back of a win and I'm sure the great Greg Gross has all the answers anyway so fuck it. Great game!

I went to the Canberra Raiders game tonight, Followers. We easily bashed those cunts the Cronulla Sharks 20-13 in an epic battle of strength, endurance and force. . That's 3 in a fucking row for the Green Machine! I took this video to illustrate the common high-brow prowess of us Raiders supporters on the horizon of an impending victory! We are very sportsmanlike.

During the Raiders game they play their theme song "The Bad and Mean, Green Machine" maybe 45 times throughout out the event. We green-eyed supporters know it like "Waltzing Matilda" or fucken "We Can't Be Beaten" by those sick cunts Rose Tattoo. 

This afternoon is looking like a challenge with the soft-spoken Ubaldo-headed hoes Jimenez on the mound for the Rockies.He's got some good record or some shit. He's no fucking match for the formidable Kyle Kendrick! Until tomorrow my loyal F's fuck new york and GO YOU RAIDERS!!!!!

JSIII

July 22 2010 PHI v STL Game 4. When Coley Met Polly

After yesterday's 2-0 fucken a' victory over the Cards, I was talking with my pal John from Utley's Corner about this extra-inning wins situtation. He was cocerned about how these ragin wins never manifest into a killing spree but never do and the fire just fizzles. I don't exactly agree with him but I can see his frustration coupled with the offensive woes in these games. Take the fucking Reds series just before the break. We beat them 3 straight in extras with a a combines run effort of 13. Each game you could feel the tension more than the previous night and things seem to build upon that energy. But in the last game of that series, if Hamels hadn't blanked the Reds, the momentum would've gone straight up our ass because were weren't hitting. The All-Star break put the kabosh on any momentum anyway but I can still understand John's concern. I feel it, too. We're relying too heavily on pitching as if a 1 run game should be the normal output for a starting pitcher. Take yesterday's game as a perfect example.

Yesterdays game was a fucking grueling slogfuck that ended in a triumphant manner with Polanco's 11 inning homer and Rooster's RBI double but still the question to be answered is where was the fucking bat all game? The Cards starter, Adam Wainwright ,was taken out in the 6th inning. Surely we could've pounced on their bullpen in the framing 3 frames but we didn't. It took us 11 inning to get to their pen before they could get to ours. You fucking know who's on our team, right? You see the Lumber Barons going dormant, right? Where the fuck does that leave Cole? He 1 hit the fucking Cardinals for 8 inning and we had 9 hits by the time he was taken out. What the fuck, how come that doesn't translate into runs? If Cole hadn't of been acing motherfuckers (7K, 5 were the furst 5 Cards batters of the game) where they fuck would that leave us after 8 innings? Is he now responisble for the entire game being played on our part? If he doesn't blank a team or at the most give up 1 run is that a poor start?

Yesterday Joe Blanton held us to 2 runs into the 7th inning like he always does. Where the fuck was the big hit then? I know I'm hard on the Big Fella (maybe a little too hard) for being a horse that can't finish the race but still Ryan Howard or Polly or ONE BIG HIT can't do it all. Blanton goes 7 and no more so the Pounce On The Opposing Bullpen Trick doesn't work when he's starting. We can't just rely on wearing out the opposing pitching in a duel situation and then striking on a weaken bullpen, we have to fucking get back that strike-early-and-often fucking mojo we had last year and fucking stick it up starts asses early and often. Roy Oswalt or Dan Haren will only stave off that problem. I know I get frustrated when the starter gives up a bundle of runs but I even find myslef getting peaved when they only give up 2 or 3 behind no support. It's just the fucking season conditioning me. It sucks. We need to simply hit the ball more. We gotta step it up, boys and support the ptichers we got with them big lumber things! Remember who we are...

Maybe that's why Milt Thompson just got fired and replaced by Greg Fucking Gross. I remember Greg back in the 80's when he played with my favs like Ricky Jordan, Schmitty and Dickie Thon. In fact on a fine day in June, 1987, Greg Gross shoved a no-hitter straight up the vagina of Met's Ron Darling with a pinch hit lead-off triple the 8th inning. I'll take this dude. Sorry Milt, I'll miss ya but someones gonna have to take the fall for the offense. Sucks that it's you, my man.

Staffer Snotty Alberts also reminds us that Greg Gross had the uncanny ability to somehow never strike out or at least strike out very little. Maybe that's why he's the man for the job and if we can't trade Werth before deadline this could come in very fucking handy.

I'm sorry but you're going to have to indulge my inner-Beavis And Butthead for the next 17 seconds. My ears danced in pre-pubescent glee as I caught this exchange between St. Louis commentators Al Hrabrosky and Dan McLaughlin (I get the home feed whenever a game is shown on tv down here) on the topic of a certain Whitey Herzog and Gary Templeton incident.

So we steal one from the Cards before they do and get another fucking Picasso from Cole Halems. Fuck it, a win's a win. I don't fucking care how it happens. Go Fightin's and let's fucking stick it up the Rockies' ass. Fuck John Denver.

Doc's on tonight to avenge is own honor. Last time Halladay faced his town boys he got a no decision after 7 innings of work. Something tells me he's gonna be out for blood. Fuck new york and oh yeah, we're in second place now! Fuck new york again!

JSIII

July 21 2010 PHI v STL Game 3. Let's Laugh Away The Woes

Seriously, I'm not going to even give the Phillies the satisfaction of making me come up with a clever and witty way to say "you stink". They just fucking stink right now. It's ok, it happens. That's baseball. Ordinary Joe takes his ordinary loss and Ryan Howard continues to be the only reason to turn the fucking game on. The uninspired ball I've been seeing on that field isn't even compelling enough for me to articulate the dog-fucking that's been going down since the All-Star break. 1-6.....eeeeesh. Until they start playing like the men we know they are I'm gonna deflect and laugh at the sufferings of others and oddities from around the rest of the league.

First we'll start with a light laugh at Charlie Hustle himself, Pete Rose. As I watched the boring Nationals/Reds game yesterday on ESPN before that buttfuck went down in St. Louis, I caught this interesting shot of the all time hits leader. Man, it's been a funny year for Pete. First the corked bat controversy and now this. Would you look at that goofy fucking hat?  I bet if you buy that hat you get a free bowl of soup! Even Jay-Z wears the standard On-Field jawn.

Uh, oh! He's knows he's been spotted! Don't move, stand still! Just play dead!

Ah, fuck it! He's the fucking King Of Hits, he can where whatever the fuck he wants. When I'm his age I'll probably show up to fucking games in Phillies footy pajamas caked in tears. Rock on with your wiggery self, Pete! We here at TBSS salute you! Never forget '80.

Next we'll have a good hardy gut laugh at one of the most singular pleasure someone from Philadelphia or any NL east city could feel, The Billy Wagner Blown Save. HAHAHAHHAHA, suck shit!!! You went into the 9th with a 2 run lead but gave up a solo shot to Scott Hairston, let his brother Jerry single and then let Yorvit Torreabla double him in only to eventually lose 6-4 in 12! You old dickhead.

I really have little time for modern boxing, especially when white poeple do it, but this fight seems to have gotten a few bookie's and punter's goat down here on Penis Island. 29 second into the IBO cruiserweight world title showdown Aussie fighter Danny Green "knocked out" Aussie diver Paul Briggs. In a quote taken from Green post-bout, apparently Briggs is "a dog and is not getting paid" Sure he isn't, scholar. The Australian bookmakers Centrebet reportly had a massive spike in first round knock wagers dropping the odds to $5 to. You do the math.

Lastly, F's, we're gonna laugh at the mets, oh yeah! These finger-puppets went into the 14th inning with the D-Backs last night tied at 3 only to lose on a Chris Snyder single. How demoralizing? A team as awesome as the mets has to dance for 5 hours with a team 19 games back in the NL west only to be deported back to Flushing by a substitute catcher. If the Phillies are sucking the pigment out of the dogshit festering on your stepmother's floor, the mets sure as hell aren't playing any better. This makes me happy. It should make you, the Phillies fan, happy, as well.

                                                          Look at the joy....ahhh to win, to win. 

Tonight the only consolation we can hope for is avoiding a sweep. Cole Hamels vs Adam Wainwright. Fuck me..... That's not a "fuck me" of resignation due to the pitching match-up--I have quite the faith in Colio these days--but I just can't see any way for runs to be produced other than maybe Big Piece hitting 4 solo shots. That seems to be our speculated maximum scoring output unless Rollins gets a lead-off walk or Victorino, whos been smoking it lately, smacks one and then Howard jacks one. I know we can do better but it's fucking grim. The only positive story Deb Rinaldi could fucking muster running across my Phillies news ticker is a puff about the fucking ballgirls rebuilding some shitty house. It's real grim. Fuck new york and, Followers, remember.....

All the shit that gets thrown around on this blog and all the struggles and strife the boys are going through right now mean nothing in the end. We're still The Phillies, the greatest sporting team to grace the face of this Earth. Nothing else matters. We'll get better and we'll get worse. Let's have some fun with it while we can. Go Phils, forever.

JSIII

July 20 2010 PHI v STL Game 2. Where The Fuck Is The Dawn?

Do you feel that, Followers? That feeling of hopelessness and despair conjured up by the stench of a cheap and fickle front office? You feel it, right? Does it feel familiar? Have you forgotten already? Of course you have, winning heals all wounds and we've had 3 years to remove the casts and scrape away the scars. I know it's been a fair amount of time but this feeling which is remorselessly coursing through our veins at the present time is what it actually feels like to be a PHILLIES FAN! Cursing, contemplating suicide, throwing beer mugs at the wall, drunk on a Monday night alone in your living room because the cops have taken your wife and kids to your mother-in-laws. Wanting to hire Puerto Ricans to murder the reliever that's just blown the fucking game again. Waking up in the morning with a pounding headache and that shitty game from the night before just replaying again and again in your stupid mind all fucking day, driving you almost to the brink of gutting your neighbors dog and children but just as you have the sheers sharpened and ready to flay the next game comes on Prism. Yeah, you know that pang, it's all coming back in fucking style.

The Phillies are now in 3rd place in the NL East, 7 games being the sister rapers in Georgia, and it's all turning pear-shaped. The bedrock of our season is eroding beneath us and all we can do is witness. 

For starters Jamie Moyer, our fearless, ageless wonder who has carried the weaknesses of our pitching staff on his 47-year-old rounded shoulders, has fallen with a sprained left elbow. This is just fucked and sad. We knew it would end but we didn't think it would be so sudden. This has to be the end for dear old Jamie. I just don't see him walking back to the mound after this. Life stinks.

That's just the sad icing on our rotation woes cake. Kyle Kendrick, the ball-less wonder, has been sent back down to triple-a and in his place fucking Adam Carpenter steps in. This is supposed to be adequate? I'm not sure we really made much of upgrade on that fucking deal after watching him in today's game. He's like Kendrick with a fatter, uglier face. This has to be some sort of fucked up, psychotic tip-of-the-hand move from Ruben Amaro Jr (recently dubbed Ruin Tomorrow Jr by some fucking internet genius) that something is at least simmering on the trade front.

On that beaten-to-death note, the rumor winds have been swirling fiercely overnight about a possible 3-way trade that sees Jayson Werth to Tampa, Tampa prospects to Houston and Roy Oswalt to Philly. This would be fucking gangbusters with the recent hole put in the rotation. J.A. Happ is also being shopped around, supposedly, and word is that he just isn't cutting the mustard in terms of rehabbing his arm quickly. Yesterday he did 3 innings at Lehigh Valley. It's not looking promising that Happ will be a shade as ripe as he was last year any time this season. The Pedro Button, perhaps? Yeah, he's old and used up but I'd put my money on him knocking up a stripper before Blanton. If his sperm can cross home plate surely his pitches can do the same. We just need a good kick in the ass and whatever gets it done is fine with me. At least flounder aggressively. We'll see what happens by this weekend.

After all the frustration and grief that's been caused by Jayson Werth, at the end of the day, I'm gonna miss that nu-metal looking goober when he's gone. He was an integral part in the success we've had for the past 3 years and we can't ever forget that. It's too bad it has to end sour.

So maybe things may turn for the better. I can't see how they could get any fucking worse. At present we just plain suck dog-dorks out there. Not even a win for the LawnMoyer Man's could-be final appearance? You fucks are just disrespectful. Time to make some moves or let the old days return.

A little birdie in my ear told me a funny thing today. Supposedly one of the Phillies owners wants to buy out the team but is impeded by the other cheap cunts who own the remaining shares. Supposedly he wants to dump serious moolah onto the fire and win big but the evil ones won't budge. It's time for a hit, me thinks. Where the fuck is Philly's Pablo Escobar? Just a though on a thing I heard, Followers. Here's the list of all the hands in the pot. You do some homework and I bet you'll come up with a hypothesis. Apparently the key word here is Cigar.

Owner(s): David Montgomery, Giles Limited Partnership (Bill Giles), Claire S. Betz, Tri-Play Associates (Alexander K. Buck, J. Maholn Buck Jr. William C. Buck), Double Play Inc. (John S. Middelton)

That's all I really have to say about things. Fuck new york and finger James Hetfield.

JSIII

P.S.  

If anyone knows where to get me one of those '50 throwback hats like Moyer has on in that photo in a size 7 1/8 I'd be much appreciative. I mean if you buy me one and mail it to me I'd be you friend.