Sunday, August 29, 2010

August 28 2010 PHI v SD Game 2. Hawaiian Hoagie Hangs Shit On Pads

Before we get started I'd like you to take a look at the photo above. Anything look strange? Do you notice the fucking sea of red above the dugout? In San Deigo? The Phans have taken the fuck over! Watch out, shitty world.....

I'm gonna be honest with you, Followers. If any of you were to walk up to me and told that the Phils, after getting cornholed by Houston at home, were gonna waltz into Petco Park and stick the first 2 games right up their 2 best pitcher's asses I would've called you a lying dickhead. A team that lately has been coming with the collective offensive power of a wine cooler couldn't possibly be up to that task, could they?

Well, if any of you mutants see me on the street and remember you can call me a stupid cunt for that assumption. I'll be back in Philly in a week.

Joe Fucking Blanton get the "Fucking" placed into his name because that's exactly what he was doing yesterday. Fucking the opposing team with a display of force not seen often from the big goatee this season. He went just 1 inning under his max going 6 with as many hits, 3K, 1 earned and 1 BB. Solid as a healthy bowel movement.

Come now, Followers. You know where the fucking Hoagie Of Heat is going today. After what felt like weeks of being hosed by right-handed pitching, Mr. Winner Ford, Shane Victorino has begun to rekindle his relationship with the RBI and the Stand-Up Triple. The three haven't been speaking much lately and it's been getting kind of tense around the clubhouse.

Yesterday,Shane extended the first olive branch of atonement in the 5th inning rocking in Werth with a single to get the Phils on the board. It's not gonna be all OK just like that but you gotta start somewhere.

Then in true reconciliatory fashion, he called the Stand-Up Triple in the 7th inning and apologized for cheating on her with The Choke Pop-Up and The Weak Ground-Out for the last few weeks. This was a major break-through their relationship and the game as it smashed in Rooster once again for his second RBI and opened the door for Mike Sweeney to ground into his fourth RBI as a Fightin', giving the Phils a 3-1.

This little cheeky Hawaiian prick even gunned down what would've been the go ahead run by about 10 feet in the 5th inning, his 7th assist of the year.

Speaking of atoning for past indiscretions, Brad Lidge--who fucking balked in the tying run in the previous game like a jerk-off-- came in for the vintage 1-2-3 lights outs shit. I forgive him for the balk, do you? Really?

So here in Australia if you're a male, before you get married you have what is called a Bucks Night. It's kind of like your garden variety bachelor party except in lieu of getting a bunch of cocaine and having regrettable sex with a tranny your mates try to get you beaten to death.

I saw this lucky pre-nup at the Raiders game last night. I couldn't get a good shot of his face because I didn't want to talk to or fight this drongo but his face was markered blue. He's going to make some lucky chippy very, very unhappy. Hopefully.

Today we go for the broom-broom-shake-shake-the room with Hamels on the mound. He hasn't recorded a W in about 400 starts cause the Phils haven't given him dicks worth of run support but that could very well work in his favor. The Pads don't score many runs, relying on their fucking awesome starting pitching and evil bullpen. They're 12th in the league in runs scored and hitting fuck all as team average-wise. As long as Cole can keep the pace he's been on in his last few starts I don't see this game being too much of an issue for him. If The Men can scrape together 2-3 manufactured runs in the meadows of Petco we should be floating upstream to LA on a river of Clergy tears.

As always, fuck new york and listen to Megadeth.


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