May 6th 2010 PHI v STL Game 4. Phils Playing The Cards Right For Roberts. You See What I Did There?
Good time, Followers! Boy oh boy, do I have a funny tale to tell before we get started. Today I received my first taste of journalistic persecution at the hands of the shitty 50 year old bitch who works the counter of the stupid baby clothes store my wife dragged me to. I mean, when you have shit like little slave pickaninny dolls displayed in your front window you're not the one that has carte blanch to call someone an asshole for taking a picture of them, right? Guess not. I noticed these 1890s American throwback jawns the second I clandestinely walked into Buggaboo of whatever this shithole was called, they practically screamed out my name upon entry. they're called Golliwogs here. I quietly whipped out my Kodak and snapped a few photos. The second I turned around to look for re-usable diapers I was verbally accosted by this little woolen witch that was jocking the cash register.
"You know you're not allowed to take photos of those dolls! Next time I catch you I'm going to ask you to leave!"
"Because the owner will have your camera taken away"
"kjdfvkjnd,mate,fk;vnsdfv,fuckenoath,kjsdk;jsd,organicdoublestitchedcotton;kja;jff" (she got so mad at this point that I stopped understanding her little lesbian dialect so we just left)
It's persecution like this that's kept my people (assholes) down for centuries. How the fuck do you think a Sudanese or Aboriginal mom is gonna feel a few days after passing the bowling ball brick baby out of her snatch when she walks in to but a beanie for her newborn and she's greeted by these sensitive little fuckers? I'm sure if the woman working here walked into a different store that sold the Ignorant Short Haired Cunt Doll she wouldn't be too happy about it. And I'm the A-hole? Pfffffffffffft, get the fuck outta here. It must just be a shitty day for Philadelphians. Whatever, let's talk about today's events.....
Followers, it pains me to bring you the news that legendary Phillies pitcher, Robin Roberts passed away of natural causes Thursday in his home in Temple Terrace,Florida. He was 83 years old. The Death Dealer Halladay dealt and the fucking Rooster crowed this afternoon in the 7-2 series clinching win over the Cards in honor of the man.The pumping muscles of swing came out for a display of unmatched strength by our mid-west friends. Halladay threw 7 innings, giving up only 2 runs and with a few shitty situations to arise due to defensive errors but working out of jams and bolstering the offense to smash 7 runs down St. Louis' throat. Jayson Werth was especially in barbaric form ripping 3 extra base hits, one of them a fierce 3-run rip into the heavens off Cards Kyle Lohse in the bottom of the 1st. As the Rooster sauntered across home plate he pointed to the sky in reverence and gratitude towards Roberts, a fellow Springfield, IL resident like himself. Now that' fucking class. Rauuuuuuul is also getting back to form by touching one over the wall. Durbin and Baez made quick work (sorta, Chad) of their opponents in the 8th and 9th to end us on top of the cards 7-2, winning 3 outta 4 of the series, sending the red birds back to St. Louis with the cloacas in their hands.
Alongside the likes of Del Ennis, Dick Sisler and Philly's beloved Richie Asburn, Roberts was a seminal member of the Whiz Kids, the team of scrappy young players that shook off the slime of the prior 35 years and won Philly the 1950 pennant under the tutelage of manager Eddie Sawyer. No longer were the Phils a team to shit on, that was what the A's were for by that point. To bring this into a real life context my grandfather, the late Mike Krupa who played ball in the 50's and turned down a contract with the Pirates (dummy), said "Roberts was the real thing. A real motherfucking glorious vision on the mound. He could put it where he wanted to with ease and grace, so crucial". I'm hoping tomorrow's uniforms will have one those snazzy little patchesreading "RR" and they'll remain there for the rest of the season. It's only the right thing to do. Lord know this dork will probably buy one on ebay tomorrow if they are for sale and sew it to his Rooster jersey.
I leave you now on this somber note. Until Tomorrow, Followers, fuck new york and RIP Robin Roberts.
Golliwog phots: Big John Other photos: other people