Saturday, May 22, 2010

May 21 2010 PHI v BOS Game 1. Sox Can't Snuff The Rooster, Hamels Throws Cheese At Beans

Good morning, my minionous Followers and what a glorious one at that! The birds are chirping and shit here in the country buttfuck town masquerading as a Capitol City. The old people are dying, the young people are crying and the Phils took game one of inter league play from Francona and the bean-townies. Cole Fucking Hamels laid the hammer down going 7 with 8 Ks, giving up 1 run from 3 hits and The Rooster took it about 427 feet into John Lackey's vagina in a 5-1 victory.

Top 1st. Hamels on the mound. The grim feeling that Cole may have an off night was bobbing on the horizon as he gave up a solo dinger from the get-go to Victor Maritinez but that shit-filled schooner promptly sank along with the Sox hopes as Cole put a tourniquet on it. In true "I'm a man, don't tell me what the fuck to do" fashion, Cole took a deep one and struck out Kevin Youkilis and cut the pecker off what seemed to be the only rally the Sox would get all game. I guess you could say Hamels gave them a case of Colio, wonk,wonk,wonk.....OK, fuck you.

Three innings and eternities pass in pitcher duel monotony and the fans are waiting for Phireworks. The Big Piece and the Fucking Rooster had all the dirty illegal shit you get in Ohio, none of this pussy snakes and party-popper shit. Bottom 4th, Howard takes it the other way and sends it into the left field laps. 1-1. Rooster reaches on a seriously retarded play by J.D. Drew. If a pop up in a night game falls in right field of CBP infront of 2 Red Sox would it make a sound? Yes, it sounds like Werth reaching second and an RBI from Shane Beefarino. Viccy whacks a single to drive in Werth from second. 2-1.

I'm gonna let TBSS correspondent Layne Staley handle this next inning for me. Layne....

Can't snuff the ROOOOOOOOOOOSTER!!!! Yeah, he ain't gonna DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAH!!!   Botttttoooom 5th. He'll send a fastball dooooooooooowwwwnnnnn 427 feet into the left field fucking bleeeeeeacheerrrssss. YEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHYAAAAAHHHHOOOOOEEEEAHHH!!!!! Shooooooove Lackey's nooooooooseee in SHIT!!!!!!!! 4-1. Them Bones.

A bit of shit news came to us in the bottom 6th when J-roll shot one into right but pulled into first limping. Right calf strain, again! Fuck......The injury that has had him down for the last month-and-a-half. It's listed as day-to-day but I hate to see my boy hurting. Get well, Roll.

Castro pinch ran for Rollins and scored on a Ryan Howard single through the hole into left field. 5-1. 

After 7 ace, Cole tips his cap and gave way for David Herndon to sit 'em down 1-2-3 in the 8th.  

Danys Baez got called in for the top 9th and quickly got in the muck with a single to Martinez and a walk to Youk. Bye-Bye, Baez. Not tonight, my man. 


With 1 out they bring in J.C. Romero and he gets J.D.Drew to ground out to Howard but plunks Adrian Beltre, loading them up for pinch hitter, fucking "Big Papi" David Ortiz. This is what the game is all about. Papi could shut everyone up real fucking quick with a stoke of the bat. Well, the years haven't been too kind to Ortiz and Romero pops him the fuck out to Victorino. 3 outs. 5-1. Good times never felt so good.

Tonight we got Kendrick on the rubber for game 2 @ 7:05pm Eastern Standard Time / 9:05am Canberra Die Slowly Time. Let's get that wifey quim and go out beating!!!

The fam and I went on a trip to the Canberra Irish Club. These dudes were there:

Maybe they just returned from an expedition hunting the elusive Same-Sex Marriage Zebra native to Oxford St. in Sydney. Or maybe they're big Sepultura fans.Taking photos of random strangers is mad easy when you have a a wife to feign posing for a photo just out of the shot in front of people like this. It also helps to have an infant to hold in front of you when they catch on to your idiotic game.

Until tomorrow, Followers......fuck new york and fucking hogtie Sweet Caroline.


1 comment:

  1. Hamels really showed us something last night as he did this despite a tight zone and against a lineup whose forte is working counts and fighting off pitchers. Coles ERA has now dipped under 4.00. J-Rolls leaving the game did cast a pall over what was a very pleasing ring but Jimmy doesnt think its too bad so cross our fingers