Boy, Followers, was I enraged yesterday morning. You see since I live in Australia I get up in the morning and go straight to the Library to watch The Phillies play, no questions asked. It's either a great or putrid way to begin your day. Yesterday started like shit. I dial up the game on mlb.tv and begin my foray into public depravity like normally do just as Shane Victorino hits a lead off triple. This is incredible. All I've been reading about opposing pitcher Jon Garland is how hot-shit he's been and how we're gonna get our asses reamed by this god but here it is; Shane smacks a lead off triple! Surely they're going to score him in. Fuck there no outs. Polanco looks good today. I bet he'll hit it in the air. Nope. Lines out the short, Victorino holds. Up next, Chase Utley. My boy. I love this man, you all know this, you savages. If anyone's gonna beat the ball into oblivion or at least set it in the air far way from the 3rd base it's gonna be Chut. Up in the air the ball goes and straight into the gloves of the 3rd baseman, Chase Headley. I, at this point in the morning, was ready to fly to Philadelphia, spread arsenic-laced peanut butter on my dick and feed it to all those fucking dogs his wife loves so much. Really, an infield foul pop up? Whatever, there is still hope. There is 2 outs and Ryan Howard is coming to the plate. He will hit the ball. Or he will watch the ball go by him for the third strike. Inning over. Victorino stranded.
You see this would have usually thrown my day off so terribly that I would be nearly inconsolable. How could a team with all this talent fuck up baseball fundamentals so hard? How could this streak of truly vomitous hitting that has been plaguing the fucking line-up for the last 2 weeks continue with guys on the roster that have as much talent as Buddha's right nut? It ended 2 inning later.
look at the fury in that face!
A similar scenario played out but with much more fruitful results. The Pads lead 2-0 at this point because small-ball got the best of Jamie Moyer for a second. Shane singles, Polanco singles, Utley fucking singles! That last one-sack knocks in Victorino. 2-1. Howard, who I've been dirty with for a few days, steps the fuck up and wastes no time, drilling the ball into the gap in left-center and cleans 'em up. Big Fucking Piece! 3-2! What the fuck is going on? We're hitting! With guys ducks on the pond?! Fuck me. The Rooster and Ibanez sac Howard from second on home and the inning is over. 4-2, a four run inning. Welcome the fuck back, gentleman, we have a table just right here for you! Suck shit, Garland. Another hot pitcher gets cooled off at the Bank.
5th inning rolls around, Big Piece singles into right field. "Now, Rooster. I know you've been slumping but here is you chance to say 'fuck you world' and get on the hitting train with the rest of your friends." So what does this prick do? He pops it up sky high into right-center. No way this has a cha.....wait, it's still carrying....still floating.....it's...it's.....FUCKING GOOOOOOONE!!!!!! The Rooster comes through with big smack number 10 on the year. 6-2. Suck me.
No all the while this resurgence of offense is happening a funny thing is taking place on the other side of the inning. Moyers is fucking dealing. Like, unbelievable. If LawnMoyer Man gets the W for this one it's his 100th win after the age of 40. Nothing was going to stop this crazy old fuck from plowing down that triple-digit barn door cause he was red-hot. So hot that he went the entire fucking 9 innings. 98 Pitches. 47 years old. Jamie Moyer. Gets win 100 from a complete game. I have no doubt in my mind that my 1 month old son will get to witness AND REMEMBER this man as a starting pitcher for the Philadelphia Phillies. No dumb slogans. Just fucking smart, timeless pitching. Now where's 101, old man?
Well, Followers, the men break drought and Jamie hits a landmark. I think we can call it a good 'en. Today Blanton is looking for his second W of the season and so am I. Fucker is due. Let's keep the boners at bay and beat em up today.
You know what time it is, Followers? It's time for another installment of John Jr's Jokey Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My father and I are driving home from a Rugby game last night and he sees 2 Asian kids walking their dog. "Hey Johnny, look! You think they're walking home dinner?!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Ok, that's all the time we have for today's installment. My wife just got her first period for the second time today so I guess I have to deal with that shit. Until tomorrow fuck new york and do my dirty work, scapegoat!