June 16 2010 PHI v NYY Game 2. LawnMoyer Man Mows Down The Weak

Well, well, well... just as most in the World of Baseball were about to build a ship and ready the flaming arrows for Moyer's funeral he pulls another landmark out of his 47 year old ass. The oldest pitcher on the earth to get the W off the yankees, huh? In their condo, even? What can't The LawnMoyer Man do? What's next, the oldest pitcher to decapitate Nick Swisher with a fastball? Considering Moy's fastball clocks in at around a rascal scooter at full throttle I don't think this is a likely prospect but a boy can dream can't he? This coupled with early signs of life from the ever-slumping offense made for quite the fucking spectacle last night in the bronx.

All mutant eyes were on LawnMoyer Man after last weekends horrendous 9 run, 1 inning + pitched at Fenway, a feet not achieved by many and certainly Moyer's worst start of his windy career (I'm sure that's a landmark he'd like to shove up someone's ass). So what does this prick and his old balls do? He throws for 8 and gives up 3 hits. Sure 2 of those were home runs but a fucking sneeze gets you yard in that joke of a park. The homer he gave up to Fievel Posada in the bottom 5th looked like a second thought swat at a mosquito. Still, the old man inspired many a blogists to conjure up more ham-fisted hacks at wit with puns about his age and every other obvious facet of his career. As I've displayed above I will only point out that his genitalia are aged and weird looking. He can still fucking toss with the best of 'em. Sure it'll be batting practice sometimes but it's the best damned batting practice you'll see this side of the Briarcliffe Father and Sons! Well done, young man.

                                               mmmmmaaaah, sad redneck

The bats were also humming tonight for the first time in a while as the crew fucking sat opposing pitcher A.J. Burnett and all of his gay prison tattoos down in the top 4th with a vigor. Burnett was even booed off the field for not covering 1st on a routine ground-out play in the 4th as Chutley grounded sharply to Teixeira. Good ol' big teeth and face had no one to toss to at the bag for the out. That's 2 games in a row in which a Yank's starter fails to exhibit the most rudimentary of baseball fundamentals. Just what the fuck is Girardi teaching these goons?

It was truly a weight of my chest like an anvil removed from a cats head (no love lost) watching Greg Dobbs get his first hit in about 4000 at-bats last night. Shit, he even drove in the first run! Sure he smacked it into the right field corner and could've easily taken 2 but held at first like a wimp but I'm not crying. Especially since Scheider and Valdez  both got on board for Shane Fucking Victorino to smash a 3-run triple in the gap in right-center to make it 4-0 in the top 2nd. Fucking 'bout time. Big Piece and The Fucking Rooster also hit back-to-back homers in the top 3rd to give the crew a semi-comfortable 6-1 lead. First time all year the Phils have hit em b2b!

I'm not gonna jump the gun and shout from the hills that the slump is over. They sure as hell lit up that fruit Burnett but they went scoreless for the last 6 innings against pretty much the entire Yanks bullpen. I want to see this 3 days in a row. I want it hard, fast and mean. Like a large man gives his penis to a woman or man depending on your sexual preference (gay).

After The Moyer Show, Brad Lidge was brought in to close this down and boy was it a fucking treat. Vintage 2009 Lidge minus the result. Motherfucker has a 6-2 lead and still induces thoughts of mass suicide whenever he takes mound. With 2 outs he gives up a double to Teixeira and A-Cup bring us closer to failure, diminishing the lead to 3 runs. Then fucking Robinson Cano singles. Runners 1 and 3 and up comes fucking Feivel again. With the flick of his mousy wrist he could end my erection. Lidge had 2 strikes on all 3 hitters that took him in this inning and eventually works Feivel into the same position. BUT!....tied up at the wrists, Posada takes the cheesy bait and snap comes the trap, ripping his head from shoulders and getting Philly the win. We needed it.

Guess what, Followers? Guess what time it is????? It's time for another installment of JOHN JR'S JOKEY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

"Hey John, you ever see that movie Gran Torino? I like when Clint say 'What are you fishheads looking at?', hahahaha that shit gets me every time. Zips, hahhahaha!!!"

Tonight Kendrick has mound. Like I said yesterday before they did the old buckaroo-switcheroo, fuck it.... Let's let it fly. Can't do much worse. Let's see if this slump is actually coming to an end. Please let it fucking be. Fuck new york, Followers and lend a helping hand to the needy.

JSIII