Saturday, June 26, 2010

June 25 2010 PHI v TOR Game 1. Up On Cripple Creek

Much like when Bob Ross would give way to his son Steve for an episode of The Joy Of Painting, I too have taken a step back for the day to allow you, The Follower, a glimpse into the mind and heart of new east coast correspondent, The Cripple. He attended last night's flog-fest and gives us the scoop. He gets great seats anyway cause they cordon off good sections for people with walkers and wheelchairs. To this he takes full advantage. I must warn you he gets a little racy but his heart is in the right place. Even if his legs aren't. Without further ado, I give you...........The Cripple.

Hello fellow TBSS readers. It is your American Cripple here, back home from probably one of the best games your beloved Phils have played all season. Philly treated me and my good buddy, Mr Asian Follower Man, extremely well. We left with big smiles on our faces and a good beer buzz . J Roll, Werth, and even the breakout hero of the game, Ross Gload, have completely given America's hat* a beat down that made Canadians look like New Yorkers . Don't worry though, the few Toronto fans we did see didn't bitch and cry like they'd just been fucked with a sand paper dick. What little Toronto did have to cheer for was drowned out by the relentless heavy hits in inning 5 and the sound of my walker being banged against the gaurd rail. 

The beauty of Halladay's pitching was like watching my soon to be wife come home after work to present me with a 12 pack of Miller and the news that shes going away for the next 4 days. The stadium knew they were in for a treat seconds after the first K Roy had pitched, even the toothless Dallas Cowboys fan next to us tapped me on the shoulder to explain how I'm about to watch a real pitcher at work.
As the game proceeded I busted out my TBSS sign that looked like it was written by a special needs child that just learned what a sharpie marker was. While the sign may have been a failure if you were more than 5 feet away, the questions and reactions it raised in section 324 made it completely worth it. Reactions from my toothless mullet friend on my left were “Why the fuck is a red blooded Philly man is Australia?” to “Is the fucker being paid at least?”. Both my answers to his questions seemed to confuse him further, but none the less he was happy that the Phils way was being spread to the masses down under. Right as soon as I answered his question though inning 5 hit us like a ton of bricks and it was cheers and high fives between all of us. Utley drove in a 2 run RBI that left me screaming and my Asian friend demanding that any non Americans get the fuck out, even he knew this game was gonna be a rager that not even Kim Ching Chong Ill could stop. 

 During the seventh inning stretch my friend came back with two cold ones, I took a big gulp and screamed “Go Phils!!!” in a demanding fashion that would make the main man, your manly Editor, a bit proud. Little did I realize that I spilled some of my shitty beer on this crazy broad below while she was texting. I must have interrupted this soccer mom's train of thought cause she looked up like she was about to cripple my head. I apologized, but as she gave me the finger I just sat down and proceeded to drink my beer like a real man. Nothing could stop me from enjoying this game, and the home run in the 8th by Victorino which just underscored the fact that Americans really do do it better.

As I walked/shuffled my way back to our car the feeling that the season can turn for the Phils was not out of reach, the only thing on my mind though was: Only in Philly can I get a high five by a toothless Cowboys/Phils fan(?), asked if I sell the “crippled drugs I get on the side for extra cash” and given the middle finger by a soccer mom who clearly knew a crippled guy showed her how to really have fun at a baseball game. Ah Philly, I'll be back sooner than you think. Until next time, fuck the mets, fuck the Yankees and remember “that guy with the walker” bleeds a bit of red with his black and orange.

There you have it, Followers. Yeah, I know. What the fuck did you expect from an Orioles fan, Ed Murrow? 

End result: 9-0 Phils. Halladay got some fucking run support and Ross "Bundy" Gload continues to be The Greg Dobbs of '08!

Today Colio Hamels has got mound against Toronto's Shaun Marcum and it's my Dad, John Jr's birthday. He's like 60 something. Let's fucking smash 'em for pops!

                                      JEGGINGS YETI !!!!!


*Yeah, I have no idea either.

No comments:

Post a Comment