"Cole, you played like a fucking girl out there today! You couldn't keep the pitches down could you? I told you a fucking thousand times yesterday, the Toronto offense is a wish and wait bullshit-fest! All they do is close their eyes and hope their pop-ups go over the wall.....How many fucking ground balls did Granny's little girl get today? Not enough, Nancy!!! I can't fuckin' blame you for the lack of offense on your teams part, that you can take up with them. Marcum had good stuff today. I can't believe, today OF ALL DAYS, you couldn't deliver. You know it's Sharkey's pops birthday. I don't know how many more that fucker is gonna see! Look, stop crying, I know I'm being hard on you but if I don't now you'll never blossom into a man. Toughen the fuck up, Cole. Your name is Cole not Faggot! Now go clean your room, work on your lines for the new Comcast commercial and come down for dinner in an hour. Yes, of course I still love you and so does Sharkey and his pop. You know how bad we take shit like a 1-5. I'm sorry but you just gonna have to buck up and take your scolding like a man. A MAN, COLE! Give Grandma a hug."
My friend and avid Phillies Phanatic, Richie Penetrator, informed me today that Jayson Werth's at bat music is now Wherever I May Roam by 'tallica. Ross Gload also rocks up to the plate to Sanitarium. Fuck every other team on earth. I would've noticed this before but it's hard to hear over Wheels and McCarthy making out during the telecast.
Blohan Santana, although cleared of wrong-doing in the recent rape case he was embroiled in, has gone from ace to disgrace. A piece of human garbage pitching for a deplorable group of shit pieces. You were still on a golf course jerking off on some broad's leg while your wife and 3 kids were watching fucking Barney or some shit at home. Scum.
Today @ 1:05pm, LawnMoyer Man has the duty of closing this series out in style. Let's rally behind Granpa to keep it at 505 and send those heel-swingers on a hot rail back to their safe, beautiful country defeated. Fuck new york and fuck the scum they harbour. Please no Brett Myers jokes. What did you want? Another Chuck Finley?