Jamie Moyer bowled over Robin Robert's Most Home Runs Allowed record during yesterday's flogging of the Blue Jays when he gave up his 506th jack to Toronto's Vernon Wells in the 3rd inning. There is a lot of speculation on whether Moyer and us Phaithful should be clandestinely hanging our heads in shame for this dubious honor or if we should be celebrating the endurance of a man who's played the game for so long that he could have ever reached such volumes yet have played so well that he is still racking W's by the handfuls at the age of 47 with little signs of futility.
If you have to think very hard about this dilemma you are a simpering fuck. We're not talking about the record for most loads swallowed in boys town here, we're talking fucking longevity! The fact that the oldest starting pitcher in the game today still producing W's is even being questioned about this is fairly offensive. Save your postulating for Pete Rose or Steroids or Instant Review or any other other minutiae that gets bandied about the mouths of those with not much to say. This is a milestone that Moyer and the rest of us smart enough to be wearing the cursive P should be proud of. Are proud of. You're telling me Robin Roberts career wasn't shit hot while he lingered at 505? Easy answer from an uneasy man.
How about the rest of the team yesterday, Followers? Fucking 11-2 with no homers? That what I'm talking about. A game filled with clutch hitting and poor defense from the opposing side is a nicely placed ending for this interleague horseplay. After this win we walk away 3-3 in series' against the AL and in the last week we've hit more runs than any other team in the entire Natoinal League.
Our little Hawaiian teddy bear, Dane Sardinha, notched another big league hit on his over-worked belt when he knocked in Exxon Valdez and Victorino by doubling in the top 2nd. This little fella has cashed in serious chips while Choochie is getting his wits back after the mild concussion from that pesky broken bat last week
Ben Francisco, Shane Victorino and J-Fucking-Roll all got their dicks wet real nice going, all getting 3 hits and knocking a combined 5 runs and taking no shit from Toronto pitching. Pretty much everyone got a hit, though. It was just that kind of day.
End buddy: 11-2. Suck my ass it smells.
Tomorrow Stephie Strasburg is pitching balls at the Braves. This is a perfect opportunity to shorten that redneck lead being held over our heads as we march on toward the All Star break. As a matter of fact, the next month looks fairly light for The Fightin's. We got 3 in Cinci, 4 against Pittsburgh and then a home stand with said Knaves. Now is the time to grab the bull by the dick and regain 1st before a group of rapists and gypsies up the turnpike takes it. I honestly can't handle another month under either of those teams in the standings, I'm sick of the Joe Morgan banter on Sunday nights. They can have their Nathans hot dog eating contests and the other team can have banjos and lynchings, just stay the fuck out of our way.
Today also marks an occasion everyone on the staff here, myself especially, holds near and dear to our hearts. 17 years ago on this day, Kevin "G.G." Allin passed away from natural causes. It seems like only yesterday that he was casually pissing on Gerard Cosloy or babysitting the local scamps on the block for pocket money. Without too much mushy faggoty-ness I'd like to pay my respects to my fallen brother with a few choice clips from his vast visual library. RIP GG. Sit on my prick and I'll lick your clit.
Kyle Kendrick, tonight you will give up very few runs and throw lots of strikes. Just figured I'd remind you of what your job is. Stay cool, baby, stay cool. Keep those balls on the ground and don't mouth Cher lyrics in between pitches, it's a telltale sign of weakness.
Until we meet again, The mets with AIDS are all gonna die, they stuck it up their ass tonight, now their gonna fry! Fuck new york.