Good morning, Followers. Daddy's a little hungover right now. Not that I particularly drank all that much last night, I'm seriously still ringing from all the fucking dollar dogs I punched down my greedy little throat as I watched The Phucking Men stand behind Cole MF Hamels in defiance to slavery, nascar and falling asleep with your dog, Skeeter, underneath the truck. A 3-1 victorious ball-tickler for The Fightin's to get this 3 game nerve destroyer against the knaves started was more than enough to induce rampant gluttony and mild alcohol consumption by your Editor.
Cole Motherfucking Hamels came to the party with a keg of nuts and the sack to use them last night, F's. 8 strong fucking inning, 6 hits, 6 K and 1 motherfucking run for the MAN from California. He had a shaky 2nd inning giving up a single to Derrick Lee and then an off-the-wall RBI double to Brain McCann but quickly shut that fucking semenfest down by fanning Alex Gonzales and then getting Melky Cabrera to ground into a dp. That seems like the entire story of the night. Cole would battle, if he lost he wouldn't fucking cry like a pudsmacking freshman, he'd fucking get the next batsman to just fuck himself and his fellow teammate over with a sweet, sweet pumpkin pie dp ball. Like I said, MAN.
The runs last night came at a premium, even off rookie frosh meat Brandon Beachy who took Jair Jurrgens' spot after being diagnosed with a boo-boo.
Ryan Fucking Howard lead off the 2nd a double down the right field line and then a few fucking batters later my boy Chooch steps up and send a liner cursing into left. 1-1. Booyah.
Things stayed relativley quiet unitl the 5th when Shane Fucking Victorino lead off with what seemingly was a sure line-out to Jayson Heyward. Well, sometimes you gotta take the presents you're handed because that seemingly routine liner turned into a botched catch and fucking 3 base error. It didn't take long for Fucking Polly to ground-out and force him home. 2-1.
Chutley came with sackazoid like steel and shot one into center immediately to get the bases on there way to being filled again. Howard was intentionally walked, Werth not so intentionally walked and then my boy RAUUUUUUUUUL came in for the grounder RBI to give The Men With Sacks a niooooooooce 3 to fucking 1 lead.
This fucking happened again:
Just as I was losing hope a very large man with a camera on his shoulders walked down my and stood in front of my and told me to wait. He was waiting for the bobblehead race to finish and then I would get my chance.
Then as the grey bobblehead fucking won he say to me "Nah, they don't want it." and peaced the fuck out down the aisle.
What the fuck? Can't you read? This shit is genius! Ahhhh, the White Fucking Whale gets away again. I just settled for what Brad Lidge did in the 9th.
Motherfucker came in and was ICING pricks. He strikes out wunderkind Jayson Heyward on 3 seriously filthy pitches, gets Martin Prado to fly-out to left and then fucking smokes Derrick Lee with a slider for the fan and that's the fucking ballgame! 3-1 and the Phils are sitting 4 games above the knaves. I feel crazy/sexy/cool.
I'll be in section 135 tonight if any of you sex freaks wants to come get a beer or meet your future boss, JSIV. Halladeezy goes for 20 tonight. I am thoroughly pumped.
Fuck new york and shut the fuck up, John Schuerholtz.