You know, Followers, when Kyle Kendrick took the hill last night and started to fucking toss his little brand of homerun derby ball I thought we were fucking sunk. I'm sitting in my reclining chair with a beer barely dented and he gives up a single. Then a fucking triple. Then he hits Ryan Zimmerman. I almost lost my fucking mind. I believe my mother, who was visiting, put it best. "What the fuck is this girl doing?!"
But then Rich Dubee went out there and probably said something to similar effect and something sorta changed in ol' KK's game. He started to pitch like someone who could one day have a fully developed set of testicles and struck out the next 2 batters. Sure he walked the bases loaded but he still got out of a fucking potential buttfucking from a sub .500 team and pretty much stayed sharp for the remainder of his 6 inning outing. 2 earned runs, a half dozen hits. Fuck, that's better than anyone expected.
After Kyle's first shit inning the boys set to work with peckers of power, lifting many small balls with a bat over a wall far away from where they were standing.
Rooster walloped the dick off one of the nats' Jordan Zimmerman's goofballs to get the party started in the 2nd, sending it fucking barreling into the cosmos of left field seats. Werth's kinda been fucking great lately. Maybe he realized what fucking month it was.
Exxon Fucking Valdez, who had another fucking 3 hit night, double in Raul just shortly after Werth went yard for run number 2. This beautiful goatee'd fucker has been blazing across CBP like a fucking bushfire through a horny teen's mind. By bush I mean vagina hair. He's hot shit. This is seriously the best phot I could find of Wilson. Fucking a shame.
The very next inning someone named THE FUCKING BIG PIECE set himself an adorable little record when he fucking wrecking the shit out of the small ball over the left field wall, a 2-run load sending Chutley --who singled to get on just prior-- home with him. That was homer 30 for Howard, completing his 5th consecutive 30 HR 100 RBI campaign, a club record now forever in the annals of fucking cockmans legends. Piece, all of us at TBSS forever fucking salute you!
Excuse me, Mr Howard...HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAT!!!
Someone must've been green with envy after the Piece set his record and wanted a little Phanfare of his own because before you could even wipe your mouth off, RAUL FUCKING IBANEZ crushed one in the exact same spot Howard's ball fell. More like Raul Fucking IBOOYAH!
All those hairy nut bangers added up to 5 which was fucking enough to silence the nats and their 2 meager runs and 40 relief pitchers. Still I see the nats fucking towering over the useless fucking asshole up in flushing next season. I watched those worthless shitheads try to fight off the knaves and their wild 4 run attack but fucking watching the mets these days is like watching a nursing home orgy. Sad, lazy fucking. Mostly unsuccessful. Well, I honestly think old people screwing is more fulfilling entertainment but I just wanted to use that analogy. Fuck you. It still would be nice if they could just fucking win 1 game so we could ostensibly have the knaves walk into town with a 4 game deficit but I really think that's asking too much of Santa after the year they've had. A bunch of assaulters and leg-jizzers in that clubhouse.
Today I'm going to attend contributor Scott's olde timey baseball game in Fairmont park. I am prepared to watch portly men with their funny moustaches in 40 lb wool uniforms sweating their sanity away as I drink beer with my 4 month old. It's all brought to you by the Philadelphia Vintage Baseball Committee.
It's also the Bring Your A's Game meet and greet picnic. BYAG is the initiative to have the Atheletics franchise moved back to its original home of Philadelphia. Yeah, I know. Cue the old bloke from The Castle. "AHHH TELL 'EM HE'S DREEEEAMIN'!!" . Nevertheless you scrubbers should all come down today. Fuck it, I'm into a 2 team town again. Let's do this shit.
Fuck new york and would you please just fucking win once, you drooling fuck knuckles!