Thursday, October 7, 2010

NLDS PHI v CIN Game 1. The Biggest Doc On Earth

I think we all know where this edition is headed, Followers.

"If I was Roy Halladay my locker would be cleaned out, I would retire. A post-season no-hitter?... I'm out!" - Mitch Fucking Williams

"The greatest moment in Philadelphia Sports History." - Michael Jack Schmidt

"Roy Halladay had the LARGEST dick in the history of the known universe. We are all lucky to see him use it." - John Sharkey III, paid analyst for the Philadelphia Weekly

What fucking else can you really say about this super-human, sack of ages feat? Every person watching that game last night watched history unfold, pitch-by-pitch. They watched a game they will all remember and one day regale their stupid grandkids with at family get-togethers or in jail. 

9 innings. 28 batters. 104 Pitches 8 K. 1 BB. ZERO FUCKING HITS. Again. ROY. PHUCKING. HALLADAY. Motherfucker even drove in the 2nd run of the game. M.A.N. Shane Victorino's hard-nosed ball-bangers and a few totally shakey innings by reds start Edinson Volquez was all the support necessary. 4-0 would read the board for 7 innings and end that fucking way.

What did I fucking say in my column yesterday, F's? (I am a gloating dick) The fact that Roy wasn't post-season road tested yet meant absolutely jackshit and it certainly means even fucking less now. Motherfucker came to the party with all the necessary ingredients for a rager. If you're waking up today with a clear head or not even the slightest tinge of a hang-over you are a fucking dickhead and I never want to party with you. I feel like a cummed-in sock that's been used to wipe down the beerpong table after a caligula-esque butter-the-bread session. It's wonderful!

How about that fucking little whiny bitch Orlanda Cabrera.

"He and the umpire pitched a no-hitter. He gave him every pitch. We had no chance."

Really, dude? REALLY? Classless. You've just added yourself to the list of whiny little pussies that litter your team's roster alongside the likes of unmissed ex-Phil Scott Rolen. Your boy Johnny Gomes gave Roy props, he knew what the fuck was up. What the fuck is your problem? Even you fucking skipper, Dusty Baker was impressed. You need to really take a look at yourself in the mirror, Mr. Cabrera and realize that if this keeps up, you might have people getting you confused with the biggest asscock on the block, MELKY Cabrera. Take a deep, long look.

Regardless of how butt-hurt some of the reds may you cannot detract from the moment. It was actually historical, not poppycock fat chewing. Everyone alive in Philadelphia that supports the P was a part of it. I know, mushy sentimental crapola from the man you come to for just the opposite. Enjoy it, it doesn't happened often. Just ask Don Larsen, the last large nutter to toss a perfect post-season game back in '52. Breathe it in. Get high like pcp high. Go out and fight 8 fucking cops. It's cool. They watched the fucking game, too. They can tell you it was like watching Metallica record Master Of Puppets. Even better. Yeah, I said it. Even Phucking better.

I wonder how many new goofy t-shirts I'm going to be tempted to buy commemorating this event. Probably 4 or 5 for me, folks. That's just how I roll. I love t-shirts.

Tonight we can sit back and watch some other fucking teams play and not really care too much aside from the knaves/sf outcome. My advice, get sexy tonight with someone you care about or don't care about. Unwind with a bottle of wine, some anal beads and some nitrous poppers. Relax and don't fall asleep concussed. That ends poorly.

Fuck new york and go to Modells and buy something with Halladay's name on it. For our future. The future of Mankind. GO PHILLIES!



  1. did you happen to catch the "double roy-bow" t-shirts that the 50-year old couple in the crowd were sporting? too fucking clever.

  2. I totally did. These t-shirt makers are getting fucking spotless, huh?