Wednesday, October 13, 2010

More Phan Mail

You know, Followers, it's really a shame that I don't have 25 hours in the day to answer the piles and piles of Phan Mail that I receive by the truck-load. It really is. You'd figure that being unemployed would lend itself to such luxuries, right?

This was sent to my friends at The Philadelphia Weekly concerning the first of my many columns to come about our fine Phils.

I'm 62YO and have been reading your publication for many, many years. I obviously enjoy it. I'm not a negative person but I felt compelled to write you about your article in the 10/6-10/12 2010 issue by John Sharkey III. I curse as much as anybody but the gratuitous profanity in that piece was utterly ridiculous. It added absolutely nothing and was a huge deterrent. When Tim Whitaker was with you he tried to be too cute with profanity also but it never bothered me enough to correspond. Profanity has it's place when used intelligently but this was against the pale..just terrible.

Well, for a 62 "YO" person you sure have the creepy craigslist lingo conquered so I'll reply in a style in which you're fluent....

28YO SW m4wmt. I'm 5'10" 180 lbs replying to your letter. Looking for readers not offended by childish obscenities, especially those who feel compelled to write letters to the editor of a weekly publication that pays less than you do for sex. I'm 420 friendly, D/D free and deeply sorry you were turned-off by my writing. What I'm really looking for is a versatile readership not upset by metaphors related to anal sex and large male genitalia. This might be asking a lot, I understand hehehe. Sense of humor is a must if you wanna tango with me! Enjoy yourself, it's the play-offs and our Men are kicking ass. Don't worry so much about obsenities as you would the starting rotation. Is Blanton our number 4 guy? Will they start Hamels in game 2 or 3? What about our offense? Do you think Howard's bat will wake up after laying dormant during the last 3 post-seasons? Will Jimmy snap into destructor-mode? These things are much more important to the well-being of our society than postulating over a few poo-poo and pee-pee jokes. Come on, man!!! What kind of grown-ass 62 year old gets upset by obsenities? Get your head out of yer ass and into the game! Party with me! Can host, must send pics with all replies, will reciprocate. GO PHILLIES!!!!!!


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