Sorry, F's for the delay in your news. Sunday night after The Phillies took game 2 with their big cocks I had to quickly and drunkenly write my Philly Weekly column. I got pretty hateful after switching from the shitty Joe Buck and Tim McCarver Gargle Used Douche Show to ESPN radio only to be inundated with Dave Duncan and that other assholemouth completely belittle every single movement the Phils made.
I got pretty raw but really, I do have to slightly hold back because my real feelings and vocabulary get the editors guillotine more often than not. The good thing is this is America and the internet is here for my colorful jizzings to be drizzled all over this here world fucking wide web.
Roy Oswalt, the man with the large cock who fucks your team up with complete and utter confidence even when he doesn't, had a hell of a game Sunday night but you wouldn't fucking now it if you were a blind man. Of his 9 strike outs I think maybe the 8th one was acknowledged in a positive light and even then it was lazy. The man with the piles of dead dear in his shed got nothing but indifference from Buck and McCarver. I actually fucking remember during an at-bat the cock-and-ball-less twin cut to a fucking reel of Cardinal's player from the fucking 40s. Yes, I understand it was to illustrate that we may be the only other NL team to ever win the pennant 3 consecutive times since the '42-44 red birds but for fucking real, dickhead. I'm surprised one of their taped episodes of fucking Top Chef didn't accidentally flash across the screen for a few seconds as they bumbled through another piss-poor inning of droll and banal banter. How do these men still get paychecks for this "work"?
It's not like I'm screaming at the wind here, I'm not alone in my feelings. I did a survey of 40,000 internet people and 38,956 of them said that they feel the duo would benefit from a few classes at the Connecticut School of Broadcasting and a hoagie, yo. Maybe they could live on that island with Tim Robbins and that tennis ball, Spalding and collect their thoughts before they speak. 4 years should be enough time for them to come up with something useful.
I kid, I kid, they have families that love them and would miss them but those same family members should let their relatives know they suck the balls of big animals when put in front of a mic.
Then after I get fucking fed up of those two I decide to jam the game on the radio like people did in the 90s only to be bombarded by even larger sperm whales on ESPN radio. You know the guys, whatshisname and dickformouth. I turned to these dismissive cocksmokes just in time for J-Fucking-Roll to bash that 3-run double off the wall only to be told it wasn't his sheer power and talent that scored those runs, it was mental errors by the giants. I was honestly filled with the rage. I probably would've gone to jail if I was in pissing distance of these men at that particular time. I am a very serious man when it comes to J-Roll. He probably is my favorite player still to this day. Fuck all that slump talk, he's the man that keeps the sheets off the kloset-klansmen that sometimes litter out neighborhoods and the glue that keeps that team together. I'll fucking verbally rifle you any day of the week on the merits of Rollins and no not the singer from the Chile' Peppers.
My point? Fuck these people and their flippant and ignorant attitudes toward out Phils is what makes the world a shitty place. Even when we play great they shit on us. Fuck them and the laurels they rode in on. Fightin's rule, OK?
See, I could never say any of that in a liberal fishrag. It feels great to just type with no real thought, just plain rage and beauty. This is why you come to me. Because I hate so much but I really love you all. This is a great time of year and I wish I could be high-5ing every one of you fucking assholes during these games but I can't. I gots ta make the donuts.
I have to go now because I have a new shitty job which doesn't entail grooming a donkey. The few of you that read this tomorrow should take comfort in the fact that we're experiencing what 26 other cites wish they were but aren't and we've been doing it for 4 years running. Well, 3 years to this point in the play-offs. Go out and slap a dude on the ass, feel good about nature. Whatever.
Fuck new york like I always say and express yourselves creatively. Also fuck Cody Ross, again.