Monday, February 21, 2011

Top Ten Thing Joe Blanton Could Be Doing Besides Pitching On My Team

I'm just gonna come out and say it bluntly; I think Joe Blanton is a pretty shitty pitcher. Not "the best 5-hole pitcher in the league" or an "innings-eater" of any of the other soft terms bandied about by the Daily News writers and Missanelli callers to make Joe feel a little less inadequate pitching behind the 4 Horsemen. I think he stinks. I'm not saying the guy wouldn't be awesome to do 9 tequila shots with and fucking terrorize a cul de sac with, I bet the dude is a sweet, genuine dude with nothing but love in his heart to impart to his fellow man. I am plainy and simply fucking sick of him pitching in a Phillies uniform.

Last season Bologna Joe went 9-6 with a 4.82 ERA, which in itself is pretty garbagio on paper, but these numbers hardly hint at the glacier of frustration he caused me last year. The ERA can't lie but the record can. I would say had Joey pitched for, say, the Royals, his record woulda been something like 8-11 based solely on the hunch that since he wouldn't have an all-star cast behind him that he wouldn't have a crew to clean up his messes. A good Bullpen and a mercurial but decent 2010 Phils offense turned a lot of loses into N/D's. 

                                                    The all too common sight.

Remember the game last season in September against the Nationals that Werth (who?) smoked his monstrous, MLB network highlight reel walk-off with 2 outs in the bottom 9th to preserve out 3 game lead over ATL in the standings? That was a Blanton game. Fucker gave up a 2 run homer to MIKE MORSE, scrubbest of the scrubs to set us back 3 runs for the last half of the game. I wanted to fuck a hole in the sky.

Yep and remember last July when we swept the Reds in a 4-gamer just before the ASB?  Do you remember the game that Big Phucking Piece and Cody Fucking Ransom went yard to turn a 1-7 deficit into a 9-7 large-cocked victory for the Fightin's? Yeah, that was Joe, too. Fucking hair dwindling, vomit inducing ball-bag strangling agony.

Instead of jabbering off about the Dodgers game he fucking beefed it to that lead way to the infamous annual Choochie clowning of Jonathan Broxton in a 8 run comeback ( yeah, you fucking remember), I'm gonna give you the goods and deliver what the title of this post promises.

Top Ten Things Joe Blanton could Do Instead Of Pitching for The Phillies

10. Opening up a delicatessen that specializes in vegan cuisine called NO CHEESE.

9. Meatball Chef at Maggianos! Get it.... meatballs?

8. Style Consultant for the band Nickelback.

7. Contestant on Ru Paul's Drag Race 4!

6. The Lunch Lady in an off-Broadway production of the movie Billy Madison.

5.  The butler in Jayson Werth's 121 million dollar trailer, womp womp womp...

4. Firing on crowds in Lybia. Oooooooow, topical!

3. Cock-blocking the "Snitchuation" (worthless mets fan) at Karma.

2. Captain of the Australian Cricket Team. 

1. Pitching for the mets!!! BLLLLAAANNNNNAAAHHHH!!!!!!! (horns and shit)

Look, I'm honestly not trying to hurt big fella's feeling or talk bad about one of our boys on the odd chance that he reads this awesome Clog, I'm just trying to exercise the JB of 2010 demon. I really got nothing but love for Joe and I'm just joshin' with this hinky list. I hope this cunt comes out of the shoot and gets more wins than any or all of our beloved Horsemen. I want him to succeed. I want him to be able to give everyone the fucking finger that talked about him as the 5 of Chubbs to the 4 Aces. I want him to fucking dominate, to eviscerate and annihilate the competition. I want Bazooka Joe not Sloppy Joe. I want the world for this cat. I just hope my dreams can facilitate his excellence, kind of like the movie Inception. No, I have never seen fucking Inception.

Buck up, Blanton. Knock 'em dead. PLEASE.

Who gives a shit, he'll probably be traded before the break anyways. Fuck new york and Ladies, shave your Beibers.


1 comment:

  1. I don't want Joe to Captain the Australian Cricket team. He can Captain Port Power ok.
    Or help Nathan Ablett find his mojo