Ahhh, Followers... Can you phucking smell it, taste it, PHEEL IT????!!!! The moist green grass underfoot, the leather oil glistening on your mitt, the stench of dogshit in your cleats that you always seem to mistake for Joe Blanton's repertoire?
That's right, motherfuckers, I'm fucking back and so is America's (The good one) national pastime. The proverbial sun is rising over a wounded and fragile Philadelphia, still in recovery of last year's Ryan Howard frozen penis and another Eagles season derailed by a first-round bouncing at home. What a fucking relief. I, for one, am sick of beating the fuck out of my fucking wife and swearing into the frigid winter winds in discontent. My balls are cold and my heart is yearning. Let's play some motherfucking baseball, Men!
It's been an interesting winter, huh, F's? Some tall dufuss named Clifton Phipher decided to not suck the dick of Satan and signed with the Fightin's. Wonder how that one will turn out. It sure must feel uncomfortable being the new guy with all th heavies we got in our rotation this year, the "4 Horsemen" and all. Joe Blanton, Kyle Kendrick, the Ball Girls for Runnemede, NJ. It's looking fierce.
The Clog this year, F's, will follow pretty much along the same lines as last year; a dairy of my life revolving around the Only Team That Matters. The only sizable difference I can see would be the amount of swearing being upped and the girth of my Hoagies Of Heat.
In the next few weeks leading up top opening day (apart from tracking team progress) I'll also slowly bring you up to speed on what I, your beautifully sculpted and chiseled Editor, have been doing with myself in these American States over the last few inactive months. Don't forget that I was in no-man's land, buttfuck Canberra last winter when I got the wild hair up my ass to start this blasted thing. This one has been a tad bit more interesting than last but, then again, watching a corpse rot beats a Canberra summer/ our winter. Good Golly , Miss Molly I'm on extacy! Rub my face and back!!!
My Spring Training coverage will contain a few features that most Phillies news outlets will not, including and not up to:
1. A Top Ten List Of Things Joe Blanton Could Be Doing Besides Pitching For My Baseball Team ala Letterman.
2. A Fucking "Vlog" From My New Job (feat. interviews with 70 year olds and Puerto Ricans on the upcoming Phillies season)
3. A Five installment piece on "Which Phillies Starter Is What Metallica Record?" (1st 5 only)
4. Pictures of me (clothed, sober)
5. Videos of my heathen scum neighbors that call their kids "asshole fuckfaces" constantly. Rare footage of true cunts.
6. No facts at all, ever.
7. In-the-filed coverage from Yours Truly and our favorite Irish bag of white pudding, Chuck Meehate. we'll both be down in Clearwater for the live action and donkey shows with Chooch.
Look at that content. That's just Spring Training. By the looks of this agenda it'd probably be a good idea to keep some vaseline around for the next 8 months because you are about to be butt-fucked by seriously the hardest Phils talk around the globe. Things will probably be posted slowly as I am getting back into the swing but by Opening Day.... you better believe it's phucking on!
OK, shitheads. I'm going back to real life for a few hours. Don't forget who brings you the crudest Phillies responses and reactions with the wit to match, wontcha? It's a brand new year and a brand new reason to not die. Until next installment.......
GO MOTHERPHUCKING FIGHTIN'S AND FUCK NEW YORK, WE GOT CLIFF. YOU HAVE SHIT! Good luck with A.J. Burnett.
P.S. There will be way more typos this year, as well. Deal with it. See yous in a few.