August 17 2010 PHI v SF Game 1. Senor Clutch And The Wild Bunch

Shit, Followers.....I'm glad we got that over with. The first game of this series was the crucial win. Working from the hole always makes me queasy and I have no time for that horseshit anymore. I write this clog a mildly relieved man but it won't last fucking long. We still have Joe Blanton on the mound tonight, HA!  wacka, wacka, wacka....I kid, I kid, F's. We are the fucking motherfucking best! The anxiety still never ends....But what the fuck, let's enjoy being a game up in the wild card race and red-hot on the heels of the atl racists cockboats with Chase Fucking Utley back where he belongs.

Roy Oswalt had quite the touched-up start last night, giving up 2 early runs as a result of a fucking lead-off double and a solo shot from Pat The Bat Burrell. The Burrell homer doesn't hurt so much now that we've won, it's almost kind of bittersweet and heart warming to see him doing so well but don't ask me to feel like this too often about an opponent. We still believe here at TBSS that NO MERCY is the only policy.

Oswalt calmed the fuck down after the first and only gave up one more run in the 7th . He pitched 7 hard, gave up 3 earned and struck out 7. Quality start, motherfucker. More than we can say for SF's Barry Zito.

After 4 scoreless innings the roof caved in for Zito. J-Roll and Victorino had 2-run hits in both the 5th and the 6th inning mugging SF of a lead that would never return. Zito was sent to the fridge without recording an out in the 6th.

The big retarded run inning came in the 8th when the Phils tacked on 5 runs.

SF's Chris Ray loaded the fucking bases with no outs immediately clearing the path for Carlos Motherfucking Ruiz to do what he does fucking best these days; clutch hit. Senor Clutch. This little fucker and today's Hoagie of Heat recipient drove home 3 runs with a big base clearing double off the left field wall. That's just what he does. He takes no shit from reliever or retriever alike. Suck shit. 7-3.

2 more runs would go on to score from a fucking balk and an error to bring things to a nice 9-3 scoreline going into 9th for Chad Durbin to end nicely. In lead situations I'd have no one else pitch my 7th inning. Wait this was the 9th. Fuck it. Chase Utley gets a righteous win for his first day of work in almost 8 weeks and the Phillies now sit a full game ahead of SF in th NL Wild Card standings. Decent.

Chutley went 0-5 but still got the bat on the ball a bit and showed no signs of restraint or weariness to get his fucking hands dirty. Only a man of his large-sacked calibre could come back a week early and not whinge like a princess when it came time to do the dirty. I think we'll be seeing good things from our latest class-A call up.

Timmy Lincecum signed a bunch of autographs for the little kiddies before the game leading me to believe is a real man. I'm a sucker for nice guys in baseball as much as I like assholes. I'm also fucking glad we don't have to face this prick.

No music or funny crap today, Followers. The dressing from my ass-wound as been coming off at the ends so I have to soak in the tub for a few hours until the rest peels off. Seriously. This shit is almost over.

Until next time, fuck new york and fuck KY-Rod. Don't expect to get paid if you're gonna get hurt being an asshole. Off the field. DISQUALIFIED, BITCH!!!

JSIII

Chase, Worthless Dodgers, Burning Witch, The Usual

So, F's the fucking worthless dodgers give up another 9th inning lead to the knaves and Chase Utley is still waiting on pencil-pushers in white coats to tell him whether or not he can play baseball tonight. Like they fucking know anything about pressure.

Reports from Chut himself are that he's felt no pain in his right thumb swinging the bat or throwing the ball. This rings sweet to my phiathful ears. Chut played 4 games with the Threshers down in Clearwater and went 3 for 12 with a triple and some other hits. He is now twiddling both his healthy thumbs like the rest of us on whether or not he'll be cleared to help topple the giants though it could be a few more games at Lehigh Valley before we see any real Iron Man action. I think The Men can handle the fucking giants for a few days until Chase gets his A-OK.

The fucking useless 11 games back dodgers fall once again to the hands of the opposition in the twilight of a sure fucking win. Broxton replacement/imitator Hong Chih Kuo gave up 2 fucking singles and a walk in the 9th frame yesterday at Turner field with a 3-1 lead, leaving Octavio Dotel with a bases loaded situation. Thing s did not go as planned. Let's just say that ineffectual Melky Cabrera, the scrub of all the Cabreras in the MLB today, got the final axe swing to severe the head of Tommy Lasorda. Pathetic. Phils are now 2.5 back.

Thanks for all the feedback, Followers, on the musical features I've been bringing to the table in the last few editions. It's really fun to incorporate kick-ass rock n roll with good baseball talk.

After posting the Fleetwood Mac clip yesterday it was suggested to me by another Follower that I would also like these guys, Burning Witch, from Seattle. Boy, this band really kicks ass! Like hitting .378 off lefties ass. Very powerful vocals, music that sounds like John Kruk barrelling down the 3rd baseline. They even look cool, too. Like dudes I used to see down the Darby crick drinking bud. True Headbangers. It'll be hard to top this level of crushing grief. Keep the suggestions coming if they're going to be of this calibre. Enjoy!

Oswalt kicks off the Battle of the Wildcard tonight at CBP. I couldn't think of a more capable man to go into this maelstrom headfirst. Well, maybe 1 man.

Until tomorrow, fuck new york and stop the boats!!!!

JSIII

August 15 2010 PHI v NYM Game 3. LOL mETS OMG U SUCK

There are few greater day-after feelings than those that come with the tumbling of the flushing queens, especially in their own house. It's like getting invited to your ex-girlfriend's place and shitting in her sink but then having her fat, cheese-house friends jeer her. That's kind of what happened last night at citifield. Kyle Kendrick--like he's prone to do after getting the fucking prison showered treatment--came with decent to fantastic stuff, going 6 2/3 and allowing only 1 run but reaped minimal flack from the mets faithless as they saved the boo serenade for Mike Pelfrey and his less than stellar performance. What the fuck is this, Philly circa 1964-2007? There is no greater sound than hearing mets fans boo a shit mets. It's kinda like the good ol' days at The Vets minus the respectable team and clientele.

Kendrick was shaking all over throughout the first 3 frames of mets hitters, giving up a slew of early hits that in the end amounted to diddly squat. After giving up a solo mistake to Blose Gayes in the bottom 3rd, he settled nicely and pounded the zone hard with little regard for human life.

Kendrick did not act alone on this glorious evening, The Men--adapting to their surroundings-- played small ball. The usefulness of J-Roll and Victorino's speedy little fucking legs was the key factor in manufacturing runs.

In the top 3rd J-Roll singled on and stole not one but two bags putting him in perfect position for Victorino's double to bring him home. shit a sneeze would've done it.

Polly knocked in a base-swiping Victorino in the 5th with a single and Choochie brought home Werth in the 6th after a lead-off triple. That's just how you gotta play it in that fucking park.

The Mad Dog / Lidge 8th/9th combo worked like a fucking Union Man, both going 1-2-3 in their respective innings cementing another sad week in mets biesbol and securing the Phils a shared top seat in the Wildcard spot. Good thing the giants are coming to our house Tuesday. 

Also, I'd like to jive for a minute about how Joe Morgan is fucking obsessed with Diamond Tracker, the ESPN, the baserunning clock. Jose Reyes attempted to steal 2nd in the 1st inning but was called out on a slightly late Jimmy Rollins tag. I think I fucking sat through 5 different occasions in which Morgan just fucking jawed his way through the "scientific analysis" of ESPN's fancy-doodle bullshit toy as he recounted the time it took Ruiz' throw matched with the time it took Reyes to reach second. Reyes, after review, beat out the tag minutely but listening to Morgan's incessant ranting was like watching a newborn with the ability of speech piss on his face in amazement and regale you about it for 5 innings. Sure, maybe the ump was off but that's the fucking game. If we're gonna nickel-and-dime every fucking play they might as put on pads and do little dances after crossing homeplate and score low on CAT tests. Some calls go your way some calls go the other way. It tends to even out and if it doesn't then that's tough fucking titty. I can see the necessity of some sort of replay re-vamp as far as rules and stipulations and when to use it but fuck, unless you're out there on the field in a funny black hat and grey pants or you're getting a petition signed shut the fuck up about it during the telecast. One mention is enough. You didn't fucking jaw for 5 innings about Luis Castillo's bunt from a yard in front of the batters box in the 7th inning, did you? No, you talked about it for 30 seconds then got on with your job.

The Phils got the night off so it's time for all of us to hope the braves lose and unwind with some soothing music. I've been really listening to music a lot lately, I'm starting to really get into music. I just heard this band Fleetwood Mac and they are awesome. My friend Brian Turner who works for some radio station said I might like them. Boy, was he right! This band kicks ass, even if they has a chick singer! Fleetwood Mac is hot! Check out this killer video of them jamming on HBO in the early 80's.

Fuck new york and let a little love in your heart.

JSIII

August 14 2010 PHI v NYM Game 2. The Bullshit Ends

So, Followers, the sun finally sets on the one aspect of mets baseball this season in which they still had bragging rights. The 38 innings of Phillies shutout at citi field this year came crashing down on mets fan like Santana sperm on an un-wanting woman's leg. We finally got our first win in the toilet of biesbol and it came in the form of a giant Slor; Roy Halladay and his 4 hits, zero earned runs and 7 Ks. Not to mention he was the first motherfucking hit of the game and first Phillie to cross the plate in 2010. Seriously, fuck all mets.

The Men in Red Stripes lumped up newbie to the mets rotation, Pat Misch, for 12 hits and 4 runs, 3 of which were NOT earned due to the Shitback Whale they call the mets defense.

Halladay got shit rolling with his 2-fucking-out hit in the top 3rd, leading the way for Rollins and Polanco to both single their way on and send Roy-Boy bounding toward the plate. 1-0. Sheeesh.

In the bottom 4th, Blose Reyes launched a triple off the wall to lead of the inning, leaving Halladay with no choice but to ground out Angel Pagan at 4rd to hold Reyes and then strike out David Wright and Carlos Beltran. U Mad. Still 1-0.

Top 5th J-roll scored on a pansy-play by mets 20 yr old 2nd-sacker, Ruben Tejada, when he threw a sure-fire dp ball into the fucking outfield. No mercy for the weak. 2-0. This feels more like it.

Things got very ugly and interesting when with the bases loaded and 2 outs, Jimmy Rollins lines a grounder to David Wright. This usually would be the sad story of Phils fucking up the bases loaded sitch, but luckily we were dealing with the mets and the ball just rolled between Wright's legs. Awwww, Sad David. 2 score, 4-0. NO MERCY.

KY-Rod, fresh of suspension for assaulting his girlfriend's father, pitched the top 9th and entered the field of plat to a chorus of boooooooooooooooooos. See, mets fans, it feels good, right?

Shit got a little hairy and tense when Mad Dog was called in the end this fucking Halladay masterpiece in the bottom 9th when he loaded the fucking bases. What other fucking way could a mets shut out end but tension and heartburn? You know how this fucking rolls though Followers, he smokes catcher Josh Thole and the streak was kaput. 4-0. Booyah.

Today as I was doing my usual r+r, I came across this video. I was obviously googling myself and one of my old bands when I found it. I used to be in a heavy metal band called Final Plan when I lived in Cleveland. We were pretty kick-ass, lots mongoloid rhythms. When I searched for anything pertaining to them I was directed to this video. Turns out the old guitarist for Final Plan joined a band called Integrity. That's a pretty cool band name. They did a tour of Japan last year and I guess one of their daughter's made this collage video with footage from it. The song in the background is pretty OK but you can see my old friend get down with common Japanese folk. He's the one with the shaggy black hair and metal outfits. Enjoy!!!

So, the game tonight is on fucking ESPN and I'm extremely pumped. I get to watch the game at home, on tv, away from awkward men google-earthing playgrounds. My one reservation with excitement is that we are sending our weakest starter, Kendrick-Smendrick, to the mound in the rubber match of the series. Thus far in the month of August the hot-to-trot Phils haven't lost a series. This fucking serves to be extremely crucial to whether or not September is a month of excitement or a month of dry-humping a beanbag with a flaccid cock. Not saying that this series is the hinge upon such success, I would just like to see us take a strong step into the pennant race with Chase Utley and Ryan Howard's return looming in the next room. Fuck, sending mets fans to the fridge early wouldn't hurt our confidence either. Kendrick got bombed by a weak dodgers side last Tuesday in a poor show of force but Kylie seems to be the type of pitcher who gets off on coming back strong, he's done it before. C'mon, Kendry! I'm trying to band dis Jew-broad here!!!! Joe Pesci could be his hetero-life coach.

Until we meet again, F's, fuck new york and don't let the sun see you crying. BEAT THE mETS!!!!!!!

JSIII

August 13 2010 PHI v NYM Game 1. Dicked Over Again

Fucking shit, Followers.... This again? The Phils, as fucking unreal as they've been since the break, are still the only reason the mets seem to look like a decent team at all this year. I mean, fuck. Our 5th shutout to the mets, 4 in a row at citifield and 2nd at the hands of this junk-ball tossing wanker, R.A. Dickie. Embarrassing.

Cole Hamels tosses a gem and once again we can't so shit for him. What is he, Roy Halladay in June? Oswalt on the Astros? The only fucking hit we got today was from COLE FUCKING HAMELS! He did everything today...He deserves better. In his last 6 starts he's fucking received 11 runs of support. He's also not received a positive decision in any of those 6 starts. Bullshit. It's almost comedic yet I'm not fucking laughing to hard.

All disappointed rantings asides, Dickles is a hard pitcher to hit and The Phils have always been stunned by the junk knuckler. Shit.... we still got at least one hit leaving the mets with the dubious honor of being one of the only two teams to have never thrown a no-no in franchise history (Padres being the other). Nobody's gonna remember a one-hitter except for Dickie's parents, maybe. Probably not even them. No sweat of our 'sack, just gotta brush it off and move forward. Like I've said before, The Phils at their worst are still better than any other team at their best. What, are you gonna tell me it's cool to be a giants fan? SF's alright if you like art and Sierra Nevada pale ale. We've still got to surpass them in the wildcard race and while they are playing a clearly superior team in the Padres this weekend, I still fear the shut-outs will continue at citifield.

On the Broxton meltdown..........

Jonny has lost his gig as the dodgers closer, at least for now says Joe Torre. I'm not gonna quote him but I think it went something like "Did you see that game, reporter?"

Its comforting to know we're not the only team that gets this kind of asphyxiation in 9th inning situations from time to time. Whatever, no mercy for LA. Suck shit.

I got my ass-bags removed, F's. It was.....a less than comfortable experience.

I went to the doc's yesterday and was inform it was time for the bags to be peaced-out of my back. Thing is....um...they were in me long enough for the fatty tissues in my ass to start fusing to the drains. Basically what happened was he ripped 7 inch tubes out of my ass and off the fat while I was conscious. Twice. Imagine ripping a tendon from a bone and then out of your skin and you have the idea of what we're talking about.  It was fucking a great time. I feel great about life. I could open a character contractor.

Pink Floyd kicks ass. They are great music to get high to and wander around your beach community development. This video is from the Atom Heart Mother tour and kicks serious ass. The longer the song the better, in my opinion. Please enjoy this video while summoning your chi at your desk.

Nonetheless, I am alive and ready to destroy the weak in about 2 more weeks. Still have a numb ass and dizzy spells. Let's hope Roy Halladay can make my 2nd weekend on my stomach a little brighter with a fucking gem of his own. Let's also hoe that Manuel's Potatoes take the night off and we break this fucking retarded shutout streak at citifield right bout now.

Fuck new york and finger new york.

JSIII

August 12 2010 PHI v LAD Game 3. If Loving Chooch Is Wrong..... I Don't Wanna Be Right

So, this morning Followers, I'm sitting in my living room watching the Phils, draining plasma, and the bottom of the 9th is about to get under way. The game is being shown on free-to-air so I can watch in my house for once. After the usual Blanton circus of piss-weak 1st and 6th innings and less than masculine relief pitching from Durbin and Contreras, we sit at a 6-9 scoreline in favor of the Dodgers. We battled back with a 4 run inning the frame before to bring us within 3 runs, a reasonable feat to charge.

Polanco steps to the plate to face good ol' Jonny Broxton. Yeah, you know his story. He's the closer we've beaten into the ground along with the team's World Series hopes for the last 2 years. I say to my wife "If he gets on, we're fucking winning this game...."

Broxton throws 2 heaters off the plate. He looks visibly nervous. He feels it, too. The almost spectral haze surrounding him and this situation. He can feel no good will come from this along with everyone of the remaining PHAITHFUL who stayed to watch all 9.

Then he beans Polly.

"There it fucking is!!! We're gonna win!!!!"

Mike Sweeney step to the plate. Sweeney's had a good night. He's 2-4 at this point even without Holy Diver as his plate music.

Sweeney battles Broxton to a full count, fouling off pitches he knows he can't do shit with. The fucking guy still can fire off 98 per rockets.

He gets the perfect pitch not to swing at and draws the walk.

At this point the air turns to hate. Broxton, Joe Torre, The Phaithful, The Men, I, my drainage bags.....we all know whats about to happen. It's almost frightening.

Jayson Werth, the tying run steps up and no shit..... he draws another fucking walk.

What the fuck is going on here, Followers? Am I psychic, am I making this happen. I sit in my rugby shorts that I've been wearing for the last 8 days, rubbing the brim of my Phillies cap, thinking to myself "here it comes, he's gonna do it, he's gonna fucking throw it away again.....it's almost fucking magical!"

Up to the plate is one of my favorite Men, Ben Francisco. He's had a decent night thus far. He was apart of the 8th inning rally that got us to where we are now. I'm feeling good about this. Ben Francisco looks like a black version of my friend Jon Collins. I haven't seen Jon in a fucking while. I guess he drives a BMW now....

Then Franny hits the fucking ball--the first in-play ball of the inning-- right towards fucking Casey Blake at 3rd. For sure this is gonna turn twoooo...WHAT!!!!??? The fucking ball goes throw his legs? What is this the fucking Muppet Show? HAHAH!!!!! BORK-BORK-BORK goes the Swedish Chef!! 2 runs score on the error, it's now 8-9 and still no fucking outs have been recorded!!!

Joe Torre visits the mound. You can see him mouth to Broxton "Just trust your pitches, trust yourself" or something to that effect. He knows its all fucked and over, he's just being diplomatic in trying to fight the thing called fate.

So now there is a man on 1st and 2nd, no outs and Carlos Ruiz, The Landscaper of Sanity, Chooch, steps to the place. The stadium howls with fury "CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH" in anticipation of something right and good in this world.

The first pitch, strike. Right down the middle. Would've been  a great one to launch into Heaven but Choochie is patient.

The second pitch, off the plate. The most liberal of fuck-nut umps couldn't have called that a strike. Chooch wants better.

The third pitch comes whizzing down the pike and then BLAM!!!! The fucking thing goes soaring..... You knew it, I knew it, Broxton knew it, Buddha knew it, George Washington knew it, Gene Wilder's dick knew it.....OFF THE CENTERFIELD WALL, 2 RUNS ARE GONNA SCORE CARLOS RUIZ WITH A WALK-OFF FUCKING SMASH TO FUCKING WIN THE GAME 10-9!!! JONATHAN BROXTON OWNED AGAIN!!!!!!!SUCK SHIT LA!!!!!

CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH!!!

The Phillies won the game and the series. Jonathan Broxton has yet another chapter to add to his book of cursed failure against the Phils when up against it. Somehow it almost feels like we're still wreaking revenge on LA for all those late 70's mishaps where they ended up in the WS and not us. It's almost perfect baseball justice for Black Friday every time we see this team. It's almost fucking perfect. Now we just have to figure out how to get Joe Blanton to pitch a good first inning, hahahahahah!!!

Fuck new york, we'll see you pricks tonight!

JSIII

August 11 2010 PHI v LAD Game 2. The Big W

Now this is the fucking Roy Oswalt I'm talking about. This little motherfucker goes 7 strong, K's 5 and allows not a single run to cross home plate. This fresh off the back of a 15 run melee' surrendered to Dodgers and their poor, weak record of defeat at CBP....Welcome home my ass, the place is yours! Here are the keys, that's my daughter and here is a hoagie. Enjoy!

The ferocity in which Oswalt pounds the strike zone is no bullshit, this fucker can toss. His proneness to unravelling was absent in yesterday's 2-0 victory, in which the Mississippi Murderer took no shit from any single wimpy Dodger, especially that poofta Andre Ethier. Doesn't he have some shitty brunch-time folk to torture a barista into screwing him with anyways? Ethier, much like most of the opposition, went down hitless in 4 attempts on the road toward Oswalt's first W in a Phillies uni! Booyah, Os!

The fucking faggoty injury fairy visited the Phillies clubhouse again yesterday claiming the groin of one Gloss Load, the man who's been on a fucking tear covering for Big Piece as he wallows on the DL (or six flags, hahaha. Into it!). He knocked a double in what would be the second RBI of the night and pulled up into second with a blown tire, Phils trainers helped the headbanger off the field. Now it's up to recent acquisition and fellow headbanger, Mike Sweeney, to pull up sack and do the good work at 1st. Get well, Rossy. You get the Hoagie tonight, my man.

Good news on this front, though with word that Chutley is ready to start batting and rehab starts. Finally some of these missing pieces will start healing back into place.

Raul Fucking Ibanez gets himself another hit in his 18 game streak by delivering the RBI wallop double off the centefield wall to drive in the pinch running Mike Sweeney and give the Phils a 2-0 fucking lead, all they would need to shutout the Dodgers.

Brad Lidge gave us a little of that old style with this 1-2-3 fuck 'em up, shut 'em up action, fanning Gibbons and Carrol with his often missed slider. Fucking filthy! Where the fuck is that command those OTHER times, Brad? You're teasin mah nuts.


As promised, Followers.... The video tutorial on how to drain a big fluid sack protruding from my ass.... Enjoy your vomit!!!

Oh yeah, I guess I can't have a good hardy chuckle at KY-Rod for getting arrested after yesterday's mets loss to the rockies for beating up his father-in-law. What a way to just continue the douche parade that is the mets trudge through life. God, what a miserable existence. Good job, you dopey fuck. Now I guess you and Johan can discuss litigation together aside from sucking. For more info read here. I like the tone of this piece.

Tonight we go for victory. Blanton has been pitching better and we're not about to roll over for weaklings, not even ones who bang Rihanna. Fuck new york and get a good lawyer, this system will kill ya.

JSIII