September 22 2010 PHI v ATL Game 3. Not Tonight, Bobby

Last night I had to watch the game at a yuppy bar that didn't serve Yuengling and had new age women handing out sample of experimental food. It was my best friend's birthday and we both knew the bartender so it wasn't too shitty.

I was seriously losing my fucking mind during this mangled pitcher's duel. There was no way in hell I could pay attention to other people while Roy Fucking Big Buck Hunter was fucking mowing cunts down. For 7 innings he displayed a vulgar power just barely matched by his opposition, Tommy Hanson who was trying to give Bobby Cox his 2500th career win in our fucking house. Bullshit.

After innings and innings of cock-teasing baseball, back and forth and back an forth, the fucking bottom of the 8th rolls around and Chase Fucking Utley had just been beaned with the first pitch from atl reliever, Johnny Venters.

All of the yuppies and I cheered! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Up comes the Big Fucking Piece who's done fuck-all the entire game.

"Man, Howard's fucking due, he hasn't done fuck-all the entire game. He's gonna send one fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu..."

Piece grounds right into a dp. Fuck my eyes our of my head.

Whatever, 2 outs with The Red-Hot Rooster stepping up. He's good for a smack or two these days. He's got 4 dingers in his last 5 games. Large balls, hairy.

Werth draws a battled walk off the atl farmhand which brings up everyone's favorite person name Raul, Raul Fucking Ibanez. If I could figure out how to place a nina over the "N" in his name I would definitely do it.

At this point my mind is fucking melting in terror. The bar is as tense as a freshmen waiting in the hall for (AIDS) test results and I'm clutching for dear life to the back of a bar stool. At this moment in time, there are no class divisions. The assholes around me turn from dickheads who keep Whole Foods in business to my fucking brother's in arms. We are one. We hate the fucking braves and we want Raul to fucking shove the next fucking pitch up their tomahawk chopping asses and send them back to their fucking shanties weeping like women.We want to fucking completely spoil their chances of winning the National League Eastern Division Title, a fucking award destined for the shelf of the Phillies Clubhouse. We want Bobby Cox and his crew of cockmoles to fucking get his milestone win in their own damn house on their own dam time. We want to fucking win the 10th game in a row. We want to sweep the fucking knaves in OUR FUCKING HOUSE for the first time since 2001. WE ALL WANT THE SAME THING. FUCKING DOMINANCE OF A TEAM THAT HAS PLAGUED US ALL SEASON LONG. FUCK THEM.

And then this fucking happened.......

Boo.The fuck. Yah.

RAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULL!!!!!!!!!!!

Fucking Raul doubles off the chalk line in deep left field, Werth fucking scores and Lidge comes in AGAIN. And slams the fucking door. 1-0. A powerful victory. I was so excited that we all went to Shampoo for Goth night like we used to back in the day. Look!

Tonight we have a well deserved fucking night off. I'm gonna take a bath with candles and Depeche Mode. On the radio not in the bathtub with me. I prefer women. No, seriously. 

Our magic number is now 4 and we're 6 games up.

Fuck new york and Du Hast Mich.

JSIII

Oh Phuck, almost forgot.....

September 21 2010 PHI v ATL Game 2. We Got Nem 20s, Yo

Well, F's, there it fucking is. Roy Fucking Halladay. 20 Wins. The first Phils' starter since Lefty did it back in '82. I was there, my son was there, the moon and the stars were there, the braves where there and--most importantly--their ineptitude was there. The Doc fiercely sliced through the competition with surgical precision not unlike Dr.Giggles to bring The Phucking Fightin' Phils 5 games above the sisterfuckers and inch us that much closer to a division title.

Halladeezy took hill at 7:05pm last night and immediately started to fuck rednecks up. 1-2-3 went the first and it was fucking clear that Roy was taking no shit from any turdlike human shape in a grey and maroon uni from the place where they make you dance your way out of gang rape.

After innings of dominance, Doc did seem to have some trouble hitting his spots come the 5th and 6th inning with runs starting to trickle onto the board. A few lead-off walks and deep counts had the crowd gasping in fear. I'm not trying to diminish his large-cocked feat with WIP-esque detractor drivel. I'm merely giving you, My Loyal Followers, my honest observations. Fuck, the man went 7, whiffed 3, walked 2 and gave up a 3 spot. For any other pitcher this would probably be called "a good night" but I sensed a bit of sweat on the brow of the workhorse. It must be quite the load to carry when walking 2 men in 7 innings is akin to the fucking Yeti walking across the field. It's been a long year and he's fucking carried this club with square shoulders, it's not out of the question that he may be a tad winded this late in the stretch. I think we all, my self included, expect too much from him.

 Still, the man being the professional that he is steadied himself and fucking shoved it far up the asses of the cox gang to pave the way to fucking victory. Large testicles.

Jayson Fucking Werth continued his recent trend of slaying vagina pitching last night in the 3rd inning when he broke the scoreboard's cherry and bashed a 3-fucking-run load deep into the seats in left-center. He must be packing on the fucking pounds lately after pounding down all the fucking hoagies. HEEEEEEEEEAAAAT, MOTHERFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKER! Sex. 

Not that I'm gonna starve my man, Ra-Fucking-ul Ibanez, over here either. His 2 double night  and 2 RBI's in the 7th gave us a nice cozy 5 runs in the 6th. Anyone who was talking about trading this big-beasted ballbag motherfucker back in June should be eating a large bowl of crow dicks right now.

We got a deece 8th inning from Mad Dog with a fucking most crucial inning ending dp ball that opened the door for the sexecutioner, Brad To The Fucking Bone Lidge, to come back for more ravaging of the 9th inning guts. He wet the oppositions dork a little by giving up a lead off base-knock to Derrick Lee but made quick fucking work of the useless fuckin' foes that stood before him. He raised the fucking axe................and down it fucking came on the heads of Nate McLouth, Alex Gonzales, and Rick Wankiel to finish off the show and bring us 5 Phucking games above atl in the division. Boo what?

BOOYAH!.

Here's a photo of your future boss, JSIV. Awwwwwwwww. Don't let this photo fool you, he's a savage motherfucker. Look at him trying to eat that sign that I spent 20 minutes making. What in ingrate. One day when he's old enough to understand, I'll go into his dungeon and tell him about the time we saw Roy Fucking Halladay win his 20th game his first season as a Fightin's. He will then break his chains and snap my neck.

We got big bad buckshooting Roy Oswalt on the fucking hill tonight vs. Tommy Hanson. This is almost finally a fair match-up. Hanson has been good on the road since the break and Os has won his last 7/10 starts. Os is a beast, I'm ready.

I will not be attending tonight's series finale but contributor and Philly punk legend, Chuck Meehate will be in the 400s. I'm not about to blow up his spot and give you his exact location. It would be a fucking zoo...

Fuck new york and sign me a song, you're the piano man and a shitty mets fan.

JSIII

September 20 2010 PHI v ATL Game 1. And It Has Begun, DUN DUN

Good morning, Followers. Daddy's a little hungover right now. Not that I particularly drank all that much last night, I'm seriously still ringing from all the fucking dollar dogs I punched down my greedy little throat as I watched The Phucking Men stand behind Cole MF Hamels in defiance to slavery, nascar and falling asleep with your dog, Skeeter, underneath the truck. A 3-1 victorious ball-tickler for The Fightin's to get this 3 game nerve destroyer against the knaves started was more than enough to induce rampant gluttony and mild alcohol consumption by your Editor.

Cole Motherfucking Hamels came to the party with a keg of nuts and the sack to use them last night, F's. 8 strong fucking inning, 6 hits, 6 K and 1 motherfucking run for the MAN from California. He had a shaky 2nd inning giving up a single to Derrick Lee and then an off-the-wall RBI double to Brain McCann but quickly shut that fucking semenfest down by fanning Alex Gonzales and then getting Melky Cabrera to ground into a dp. That seems like the entire story of the night. Cole would battle, if he lost he wouldn't fucking cry like a pudsmacking freshman, he'd fucking get the next batsman to just fuck himself and his fellow teammate over with a sweet, sweet pumpkin pie dp ball. Like I said, MAN.

The runs last night came at a premium, even off rookie frosh meat Brandon Beachy who took Jair Jurrgens' spot after being diagnosed with a boo-boo.

Ryan Fucking Howard lead off the 2nd a double down the right field line and then a few fucking batters later my boy Chooch steps up and send a liner cursing into left. 1-1. Booyah.

Things stayed relativley quiet unitl the 5th when Shane Fucking Victorino lead off with what seemingly was a sure line-out to Jayson Heyward. Well, sometimes you gotta take the presents you're handed because that seemingly routine liner turned into a botched catch and fucking 3 base error. It didn't take long for Fucking Polly to ground-out and force him home. 2-1.

Chutley came with sackazoid like steel and shot one into center immediately to get the bases on there way to being filled again. Howard was intentionally walked, Werth not so intentionally walked and then my boy RAUUUUUUUUUL came in for the grounder RBI to give The Men With Sacks a niooooooooce 3 to fucking 1 lead.

This fucking happened again:

I made a sign to bring to the game and until about the 7th inning I thought my toil would go unnoticed. every fucking dingleberry on his grandmother were getting face time on that fucking jumbo tron and I had a work of pure genius in my hands but still was getting the shaft. Fucking some dick dressed in a swamp thing outfit, douchebags in green body suits, old people. What the fuck?

Just as I was losing hope a very large man with a camera on his shoulders walked down my and stood in front of my and told me to wait. He was waiting for the bobblehead race to finish and then I would get my chance.

Then as the grey bobblehead fucking won he say to me "Nah, they don't want it." and peaced the fuck out down the aisle.

What the fuck? Can't you read? This shit is genius! Ahhhh, the White Fucking Whale gets away again. I just settled for what Brad Lidge did in the 9th.

Motherfucker came in and was ICING pricks. He strikes out wunderkind Jayson Heyward on 3 seriously filthy pitches, gets Martin Prado to fly-out to left and then fucking smokes Derrick Lee with a slider for the fan and that's the fucking ballgame! 3-1 and the Phils are sitting 4 games above the knaves. I feel crazy/sexy/cool.

I'll be in section 135 tonight if any of you sex freaks wants to come get a beer or meet your future boss, JSIV. Halladeezy goes for 20 tonight. I am thoroughly pumped.

Fuck new york and shut the fuck up, John Schuerholtz.

JSIII

September 19 2010 PHI v WSH Game 3. Never Surrender

I don't even know how to fucking approach this one, F's. I still feel like I'm on fucking pcp. If there are typos today fuck it, there always are. I don't proof read. I was gonna go with the whole "What happened, I left in the 8th" angle but that would be stupid, I wasn't even there.

Then I was gonna just fucking ignore it for a few sentences and then write about it IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I'M FUCKING EXCITED!!!!!" bullshit but I've done that booollshit before so I'm just gonna cut the shit and get down to the bull's balls.Oh fuck it....

THAT PHUCKING SHIT WAS PHUCKING AWESOME!!! DID YOU JUST SEE THAT SHIT JAYSON PHUCKING WERTH GIVE THIS MAN 40000 BLOWJOBS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

It was pretty fucking awesome. Jayson Fucking Werth grabs the bull by the dick and bashes the life out of a 3-2 pitch, capping a second consecutive sweep with his walk-off 2-run jizz-jolt into deep centerfield. Look at the fucking stage dive he does into The Men waiting in desperation to embrace The Beard. This shit looks like a Pearl Jam concert minus all the dickheads.

It's funny, after this game the reports that Rooster had signed with Scott Boras to represent him in his FA golden goose hunt. This basically means bye-bye Werth, hello loneliness but whatever. A man's gotta eat. It's not like Ross Gload is leaving and to be completely honest with you F's... I don't think Werth had shit to do with yestersday's win*. I think it was all this little broad's doing:

Would you look at this chick? The Human Rally Towel they call her. I talked to one of my inside sources at the park who tells me this lovable scamp shows up quite frequently to CBP dressed in this genius attire. Who is she? She has a fucking facebook page dedicated to her that was started maaaaaaaaaaybe 45 seconds after Werth smoked that shot. Is she single? I have friends. Is she American? Can she speak English? I want an interview with the Human Rally Towel. I wonder if she'll be at any of these braves games. I'll be at tonight's and Tuesday's game. Serction 136, HRT if you're interested.

Seriously, how many of you thought it was all over in the 8th? Come on don't be a pussy. I was fucking pissed in the 6th, I'm not gonna lie. I walk in from my Olde Timey Baseball game with contributor Scott and the first fucking thing I see is Blanton give up the 3 run homer to Mike Morse. I was so shitty with him. It felt like Blanton had just come and shit on my birthday cake. It was all "Fuck shit cocksucker pisspenisfucker blah blah blah.." like I usually am in those situations. I am passionated, people. I curse a lot and I hurt when we lose. Don't fucking judge me, I love this team. I and the rest of the Phillie Broadcast Team thought that yesterday might be one of those days. You know, when the hits just fucking don't some with RISP. It happens. I wasn't even mad about the fact that we might lose. I was all peachy going into the knaves series 2 games up. Fuck, Chollie even brought in Danys Baez, the ultimate white flag. He gave up a homerun. Eessssh. Then Romero comes in and gives up a 2 outter..... 6-3 with one chance left but still I never felt truly out of it. I had padded my heart with pessimism but still held hope like I fucking always do. You never give up on these pricks. You can't. Because just when you do you miss something like this. A 4 run bottom 9 and you feel shame like the douche you are. Get mad, curse at the pitcher, do what the fuck ever makes you feel better but don't fucking give up. You know I haven't turned off a Phillies game all year, even the truly shit ones back in May and June. Yeah, I sat through those games in Boston where Moyer and Blanton got bombed. I sat through Pirates games that we refused to hit in. Maybe it was the absence+distance equation but even so, I never can actually just walk away from a game. I feel like a traitor. Listen to me. Fuck this, PHIL'S WIN! NEVER SURRENDER! BRING ON THE FUCKING knaves!!!!! THIS IS TOTAL FUCKING WAR!

Fuck new york and love the one you're with. Yesterday's win was huge. Everyone contributed. You can't forget that Polly and Chutley got that rally started and that Big Piece brought in the first 2 runs to open the door for Werth. Brian Schneider has a 3-hot day yesterday. Blanton gave it his best, Baez and Romero put in effort and newbie Vance Worley had a great, clean 9th. We are one. All of us. Let's fucking destroy every filthy shit that gets in our way. Coach Sharkey wants you to know that you are the best.

JSIII

* I kid, I kid!

PS I Love you.

PPS

September 18 2010 PHI v WSH Game 2. More Bashing More Slashing

You know, Followers, when Kyle Kendrick took the hill last night and started to fucking toss his little brand of homerun derby ball I thought we were fucking sunk. I'm sitting in my reclining chair with a beer barely dented and he gives up a single. Then a fucking triple. Then he hits Ryan Zimmerman. I almost lost my fucking mind. I believe my mother, who was visiting, put it best. "What the fuck is this girl doing?!"

But then  Rich Dubee went out there and probably said something to similar effect and something sorta changed in ol' KK's game. He started to pitch like someone who could one day have a fully developed set of testicles and struck out the next 2 batters. Sure he walked the bases loaded but he still got out of a fucking potential buttfucking from a sub .500 team and pretty much stayed sharp for the remainder of his 6 inning outing. 2 earned runs, a half dozen hits. Fuck, that's better than anyone expected.

After Kyle's first shit inning the boys set to work with peckers of power, lifting many small balls with a bat over a wall far away from where they were standing.

Rooster walloped the dick off one of the nats' Jordan Zimmerman's goofballs to get the party started in the 2nd, sending it fucking barreling into the cosmos of left field seats. Werth's kinda been fucking great lately. Maybe he realized what fucking month it was.

Exxon Fucking Valdez, who had another fucking 3 hit night, double in Raul just shortly after Werth went yard for run number 2. This beautiful goatee'd fucker has been blazing across CBP like a fucking bushfire through a horny teen's mind. By bush I mean vagina hair. He's hot shit. This is seriously the best phot I could find of Wilson. Fucking a shame.

The very next inning someone named THE FUCKING BIG PIECE set himself an adorable little record when he fucking wrecking the shit out of the small ball over the left field wall, a 2-run load sending Chutley --who singled to get on just prior-- home with him. That was homer 30 for Howard, completing his 5th consecutive 30 HR 100 RBI campaign, a club record now forever in the annals of fucking cockmans legends. Piece, all of us at TBSS forever fucking salute you!

Excuse me, Mr Howard...HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAT!!!

Someone must've been green with envy after the Piece set his record and wanted a little Phanfare of his own because before you could even wipe your mouth off, RAUL FUCKING IBANEZ crushed one in the exact same spot Howard's ball fell. More like Raul Fucking IBOOYAH!

All those hairy nut bangers added up to 5 which was fucking enough to silence the nats and their 2 meager runs and 40 relief pitchers. Still I see the nats fucking towering over the useless fucking asshole up in flushing next season. I watched those worthless shitheads try to fight off the knaves and their wild 4 run attack but fucking watching the mets these days is like watching a nursing home orgy. Sad, lazy fucking. Mostly unsuccessful. Well, I honestly think old people screwing is more fulfilling entertainment but I just wanted to use that analogy. Fuck you.  It still would be nice if they could just fucking win 1 game so we could ostensibly have the knaves walk into town with a 4 game deficit but I really think that's asking too much of Santa after the year they've had. A bunch of assaulters and leg-jizzers in that clubhouse.

Today I'm going to attend contributor Scott's olde timey baseball game in Fairmont park. I am prepared to watch portly men with their funny moustaches in 40 lb wool uniforms sweating their sanity away as I drink beer with my 4 month old. It's all brought to you by the Philadelphia Vintage Baseball Committee.  

It's also the Bring Your A's Game meet and greet picnic. BYAG is the initiative to have the Atheletics franchise moved back to its original home of Philadelphia. Yeah, I know. Cue the old bloke from The Castle. "AHHH TELL 'EM HE'S DREEEEAMIN'!!" . Nevertheless you scrubbers should all come down today. Fuck it, I'm into a 2 team town again. Let's do this shit.

Fuck new york and would you please just fucking win once, you drooling fuck knuckles!

JSIII

September 17 2010 PHI v WSH Game 1. Oswalt Out For Blood

I'd like to think that the last 8 Roy Oswalt starts in a Phillies uni has fully quashed the whole Lee vs Oswalt debate. All the facebook pages and all the comment vagina virgins can rest easy now that Oswalt has shown his true worth in the city of the good and right. Yes, Cliff Lee was a fucking hell of a man with a hell of a pitch but who the fuck is wearing the P and who's losing a pint of sweat a night down in Arlington? No sense in jerking-off to the ace of out bedroom's past when we can stick our big fat collective prick right in it with glorious revelry and be fully grateful for what we've got here in the fucking now.

Last night Roy Oswalt won his 7th start last night. The MLB network told me that he's the first pitcher since 1912 to fucking win 7 out of 8 starts after joining a team mid-season. That's a retarded statistic but it still impressed me. Sometimes I'm very easy. If you would've asked me for a good Oswalt fact I probably would've just told you he was fucking awesome. 

6 inning pitched, 1 earned run, 1 happy fucking crowd of Phaithful. Putting in his hours, a working man. He even ripped the fucking dick off the ball for an RBI in the first. Doing it.

But fuck, Followers, it's not like he did it alone. After giving up his one and only run in the first he got a cornucopia aka buttfucking avalanche of runs in the bottom frame. I can't be fucked going through the 90 hits and every fat umpire that got in the way because it's Saturday and I am a busy man but listen to me when I say this; We are on fucking fire. The Phils have scored 70 fucking runs over the last 10 games. That's good, right? The sleepers are awakening and the mainstay rocks like Choochie and Valdez are keeping the usual work load. Werth is getting his shit together and knocking off the streaky shit. Big Piece, Chutley, Vic, Polly, RAUL! Fuck, I'm being hyperbolic but If someone is going to beat us they are going to have to fucking bring the serious nutload. No fluky shit, we're here for a Phight and if you think we're gonna hand you a gift wrapped penis pump you've got another thing coming. 

I feel great. Now I have to go to babies r us and buy a new crib for my son. The act is enjoyable but my surroundings will cause rage. Fuck that giraffe, I'm a Kiddie City kid, motherfucker. Fuck new york for being losers and sky rockets in flight (wwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrnnn) afternoon delight.

JSIII

September 15 2010 PHI v FLA Game 3. This Fish Is Toast

The title for the edition is only funny is you say it to yourself in the voice of the Dr. Peter Venkman's character from Ghostbusters. Oh yeah and my sign is still much better than the British one above but I love the enthusiasm.

Easy Breezy Halladeezy got his 19th fucking W, tying C.C. Sabathia for most in the league along with  setting a career high of 210 Ks for the season thus far, overtaking Tim Lincecum for most in the NL. He was punched around by a pounce early and often approach from the fish but still managed to keep things in control, only allowing 3 runs on 10 shitty hits. Even in his weirdest, funked hour I still keep calm sphincter when he's up there. The man exudes placidity in the face of the enemy, a strong asset to cocks-man such as he. He fucking struck out 9 mahfuckers out there. I'll fucking take it. This win brings us 3 games ahead of atl in the NL east race. Booyah.

What really can I do in Paint that I haven't to Roy this season? I've drawn big dicks, wizard hats, magic shooting from his hands, tears on his cheeks when he gets no runs support...He's gonna have to shoot someone in the fucking face so I can have some new material. I'll just leave this one for now as it is.

Another thick-girthed showing from our Men With Bats, yuck yuck yuck, but that was mildly expected. The marlins, dealing with suspensions from the altercation with Nyger Morgan a few back, had to send up Jorge Sosa--a pen potato-- to start. The fish were hoping for a clean 3 innings. He didn't even get a clean 3 outs.

First fucking inning with 2 down, Fucking Rooster slaps one to right field for a sacker and drives in Chutley only to become RBI fodder for Raul Fucking Ibanez. Iby fucking drills on into the gap in left-center passed the glove of Emilio Bonifacio. 

Top 3rd, Chutley comes up to the plate and fucks around for not a second before wasting a ball into the right foul pole, his 15th of the year. NOICE!

Exxon Motherfucking Valdez put on quite the show for us last night with another 3 hit night, driving in 2 ribbies and just jizzing oil all over the joint. That goatee might have something to do with his success. Since this motherfucker has come up black gold all over I'm gonna have give him something for his troubles. He can smell it already, he's been the fucking rock while Roll's been riding pine. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAT!

Brad To The Bone came out for 1/3 of an inning to scare the living shit out of us by loading the bases and walking in a fucking run before getting yanked. Good thing we have that Cuban lover, Contreras hulking around to get it done. Shit, some 2009 came back for a brief haunting but I'm legitimately not worried as Brad has been on his ass for a few days. Give him a couple more appearances with 6 runs behind him and he'll be as good as gold.

All together The Men managed to get across the plate 10 times to the fish''s 5. I'm not English major but I'm pretty sure that means that we win and they lose. 

Well, that's all she wrote this season in Florida for the Phils. With a record of 13-5 against the marlins and 90 runs scored, I think we can call this fish officially smoked.

You want to know the most annoying way to answer the question What's your favorite Megadeth song? 

3 games up, motherfuckers. 3 games. Fuck new york and thank you Justin Maxwell.

JSIII