September 14 2010 PHI v FLA Game 2. Cole Hamels. The Man. The Myth. The Man

So I'm sitting in Marathon Grill at 16th and Chestnut this morning with a coffee and plate of mule barf when Cole Hamels walks in....

Me: Yo Cole, what the fuck is up, brother?

Cole: K

Me: Huh?

Cole: K!

Me: K what? Are you fucking high?

Cole: ..........K,K,K

Me: Dude, that's fucking racist.

Cole: (shakes head) KKKK!

Me: Why the fuck are you speaking to me in text message, dickhead? I was just gonna say nice game last night. What did you strike out 13 of those marlin pricks? That's a season high right?

Cole: K!!!!

Me: You're annoying...

Cole: (to hostess) KK?

Hostess: Excuse me?

Cole: Fuck you all, I'm going to Buffalo Exchange....

Me: But they don't even sell foodstuffs....

What a weird morning.......

I'm serious when I say this in a totally objective light. Would you look at the dick on Cole Hamels? Really, take a good look at it? It's enormous. What the fuck happened to him over the course of this season? Where did all this fire come from? Who is my real father?

Hamels leaves one big-dickin' season high behind and in the blink of an eye reaches another statistical zenith. He dusts his 25 innings of scoreless pitching then throws 13 K in one game into Santa's happy satchel of sex toys and all the while walks us through a 2-1 battle over the fish. It's just that kind of year. Last year around this time, Cole was getting a pedicure in the dugout and feeding his chiuaua his tears in return for allowing Cole to rest his thumb inside his ass. 

Now the fucking sword is drawn. He will not let childish petulance or Comcast ads or Brett Myers retarded goatee stand in his way of pure and total conquest of the weak enemy. He is primed for post-season battle and fluffed for serious action. Now, I will never ever make rampant foregone conclusions so I assume nothing. IF we make it to the post-season this motherfucker will be glue instead of the semen, the cure not the herpes, the MAN and not bitch. We've all watched him grow and I'm as proud of him as anything I haven't done in my whole life.

Fuck new york and let the rhythm take control. Sweat!

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to ask. Hey Busey, how many games are we up on atlanta now after Livan Hernandez fucking stymied those 'necks?

Any chance I get to use that clip I will.

JSIII

September 13 2010 PHI v FLA Game 1. Penis Poundin' That Flounder

You know, Followers, It seems like just last week that I was watching the Phillies belt the fuck out of a first round draft pick by Detroit named Andrew Miller. He kinda looked like Orlando Bloom and had very poor location with his pitches. We beat the fuck out of him and a few of his little bullpen buddies for something like 10 runs and then let a few of our shitty pitchers almost blow it.

Yeah that was last week. It.s comforting to know that we can be consistent in our ass-beatings when facing a pitcher we've flogged, with or without the Captian Morgan beard.

Joe Fucking Blanton had to tuck his enormous dick in his shoe last night, going a full 6 giving up only 5 fucking hits an 1 fucking run. Who is this man? I love him? Where has he been all my season? I'm thirsty.

Every fucking Phillie hit last night, Followers. It was a jizz-fest of a seriously brodacious magnitude. Jayson Werth finally pulled his manacure finger out and started arcing contest last night in the 2nd inng, hitting a towering solo motherfucker the opposite way and then Chase Fucking Utley did the same the very next frame.

The shitstrom of runs on the marlins' head didn't truly begin until Carlos Fucking Ruiz started to make it rain DNA with his extreme 2- run Panamanian Whopper from Hungry Jack's in the 4th. Boy that thing was majestic. Logan Morrison just watched that fucking thing sail over his head and right towards fucking Narnia.

After that it's all  blur. It was RBI after RBI, 3 here 3 there. Seriously, giving out a Hoagie Of Heat today would be insulting. Even fucking Greg Dobbs hit a fucking home run. we pounded them for 11 total and took only minimal shit from the fish after Chollie decided we had a nice enough lead to put everyone's favorite rule 5 pick, David Herndon to work in the 8th. He promptly gave up 3 runs like Planned Parenthood gives out great news to those of heavy conscience after a messy night in a bathroom stall. We still walked away tall and erect with a nice 11-4 scoreline and an 11-5 record against the fish in 2010 thus far. Boo. Fucking. Yah.

It should also be noted that both Jose Contreras in the 7th and Danys Baez in the 9th were pretty fucking on. The latter more so than the former surprises me.

Summation:

I'm going to the shore so it's the short goods today, F's. I know, it's OK. Fuck new york and enjoy my cousin's recipe. He's a great chef. He works at Getty in Aldan.

JSIII

September 12 2010 PHI v NYM Game 3. Lay 'Em Down, Smack 'Em Yack 'Em

Fucking what's up, Philadelphia?! How's it feel to be back in sole possession of the big dildo after the Phils take this fucker and the knaves, with mighty Tim Hudson on the hill, get fucking roped? That's what I thought....

Yesterday, Daddy was fortunate enough to have witnessed Roy Oswalt stun and finger every motherfucking dingus in blue and orange in front of a lively crowd of maybe 6500 people. The citifield dream cemetery for a 3rd September in a row was a barren sea of empty seats and true diehards whom I admired in there commitment but loathe in their allegiance. It was truly a chagrined but loyal lot not too excited yet not very bothered by our Philadelphia presence. Maybe the infant had some effect.

This was my son, JSIV's first Phillies game. How hard is he already? Going into the belly of the  beast for his first outing of 9 innings. I'm so proud of him. He's 4 months old and already hates the mets. Just look at the hatred seething off of him. A true family outing, Aunty Berdan and Aunty Amy even attended!

The runs came early off muts starter Jonathan Niese with Chutley banging home Victorino in the 1st and Big fucking Piece smacking home Polly in the 3rd. Mrs. Niese proved to be little match for the anaconda crotch we had on the mound in retaliation.

Even my best friend Michael (pictured above) who really finds no time for sports (the hat is mine, I just couldn't have him go into the mouth of the beast unrepresented) was impressed by the fucking fire Roy Fucking Oswalt was tossing. Do you know what kind of inner peace and joy I felt watching David Wright strike out 400 times yesterday?

Not a single fucking muts batter even reached 2nd base all fucking day. It would be almost boring it it wasn't wizardry.

A 4 hit, complete game shutout. In flushing. These eyes....Fuck me. 

Would you look at that puss, ain't it beautiful? I took this photo just before fucking Raul Fucking Ibanez smoked the dick off the ball into deep center, a rarely touched upon area of glory. Throughout the dozens of groans emanating from the seats around me I managed to make out a hand full of RAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLs  rattling the bare cupboards of the flushing stands. Yeah, you fucking smell it.....

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!

I'll tell ya, F's.... I'm getting pretty fucking tired of watching Jayson Werth step up to the plate, swat around like an aloof cheerleader dreaming of bubblegum and penis, and then walk back to the dugout like that's what he's paid to do. Dickhead, it's September. If you don't want to be here, fuck off. Play your part, pick up your sack and give it your nuts. That's my only gripe for today.

Nevertheless, after 9 innings, dozens of dirty looks, a few humans cooing at the little man and one hell of a show from Os we left citifield and Little Bogotá triumphant. Another mets series in our pockets and my little man gets a W on his maiden voyage.

Fuck new york and thanks for coming.

JSIII

September 11 2010 PHI v NYM Game 2. Too Feminine Too Late

Shit, Followers. I can't rant to vigorously about this fucking game, we almost mounted a full-scale come back in triumphant glory. Almost. That will not work in this month and we all know it. 3-4 loses to scum of the earth are loses that should not be fucking happening at this point in our season. With atlanta beating the worthless cardinals like the underachievers they are we have zero wiggle room for pansies.

Kyle Kendrick. Pansie. Our fucking line-up for the first 7 innings. Girls. Jayson Werth. Either high or a total fucking pansie. You want a surefire way to kill a rally? Here's what you do:

Get seriously mometum with runners on base. Give Jayson Werth bat. Say "Go hit!"  Rally over. Corkscrewed into the ground like a lazy suzan.

Romero called in with bases loaded? What are you fucking drunk, Choll?

Fuck it, Howard tacked on w more ribbies and Sweeney and Gload came through with bit hit that make me glad they are alive and on our bench. Fuck it.

I,m about to leave for flushing now. The Lions Den. I'm sure it will be filled at least 45% with our people anyways, it's not like the mutts supporters enjoy baseball. You'll be getting full updates from the hateful man in red himself. ME. That is if cellphones fucking work in flushing.

Fuck new york and GO PHUCKING PHILS!

JSIII

September 10 2010 PHI v NYM Game 1. "He just said 'SUCK MY DICK, MEJIA!' yeeah"

My faggot fucking computer deleted 5 paragraphs of pure genius. I seriously want to burn someone's house down right now. It's Saturday, let's make this quick. I still have funny pictures to post of our Men plowing through the flushing queen in the series opener on our way to Halladay's 18th W .

Fucking Carlos Fucking Ruiz cannot be contained.There, I said it. Just like the dude in that retarded KFC Double Down commercial. Motherfucker is unreal. You cannot keep him off base, just try. He reached 30 time last night.

Choochie got the scoring for this walk in the park going with an RBI single in the 2nd inning and continued to be fucking the most valuable person alive as he tied up the weak muts second baseman (I don't care who he is) on a dp ball hit by Valdez. He juked the dork and held up the play until Raul fucking Ibanez could score. A smart fucking move from our smartest little fucker. Feel the thunder!

Halladay, who's been shelled a bit lately, had a bit of the heebeejeebees in the 3rd, as he gave up a single to opposing pitcher, Jenry Mejia- who's name is driving my spell check insane-- which became RBI fodder for Blose Gayes. Gayes in turn became run fodder for Carlos (the shitty Carlos) Beltran and his home run into right field that went sailing right at a woman with a baby. 2-3. Bwuuuuh.

After The Big Piece sent a sexual arc of jizz over the left field wall to tie it up the very next inning, Roy basically  just said "fuck this, you can all suck my sick. Especially you, Mejia" when he knocked in 2 ribbies with a bases-loaded single. BOOYAH, PRICK!

Victorino smacked one in to make it a comfortable 6-3.

Here's a photo of Chase Utley just after he hit one to Utley's Corner in the 7th as he leaves a dildo for Josh Thole to play with as he rounds the bases.

One more run scored on a beaned Valdez in a bases loaded situation later that inning. The mutts went through about 40 pitchers that inning and we all had a hardy laugh. Weak.

Durbin and Mad Dog both got called in for work and, aside from a run given up from Durby, the job was finished. 8-4. 82-60. Byah. Yep, byah.

                                         COACH SHARKEY'S CORNER

Now, I know I'm speaking for the entire Phillies Phaithful when I say this; Kyle Kendrick, if your fucking testicles don't drop out of that vagina between your legs you might as well move to fucking Kuwait. Today's match-up is exactly the same as it was the last time you pitched in flushing and you aced 'em. If you do not go into this start thinking "hmm, yeah, I guess I've been pitching like a pair of orthopedic shoes stuffed with used tampons. Maybe I'll fucking be a man this time and really deal." then there is no need for you to even show up. Grow 2. Join us. We're waiting. we've been waiting all season for you to really show up. NOW IS THE FUCKING TIME! You know you can pitch, prick. Paint those corners, keep the pitches down. It's citifield, you can get those long fly-outs that would be homers at CBP. Work with it. Be the ball, show the balls. We can't fucking afford bad outing with the knaves on our heels. This is no tome for wimps and losers.

Fuck new york and fuck this piece of shit I type on.

JSIII

When There's No Phillies.....

.... there's always violence.

In lieu of a night of Phillies Baseball I am posting a video I took at the Collingwood v Doggies final last week at the MCG.

Here is a true glimpse of the Collingwood Magpies Supporter, a lower-class of rodent endemic to the inner- north area of Melbourne, in its natural habitat. Notice how it's usual behavior is both aggressive and dimwitted. Please note that at this point in the match the pies were up by 9 goals. These nuffies can't even be civilized to each other when their funny little team is fucking winning. True class. Enjoy!
 

Oh yeah, fuck new york and LET'S GO CARDS!

JSIII

September 8 2010 PHI v FLA Game 4. Daddy's 2 for 2

First off, Followers.... I'm sorry for the late edition. After I got home from the game last night my wife and I had the daunting task of reacclimating a 4 month old to a 14 hour time fucking zone change. We are shiny happy people today, let me tell yous.

So, it's another game for Sharko and another big W for the Phils. This time instead of the supervision of an adult, my main man Chuck Meehan along with 2 of my best mates accompanied me to the slaughter. Originally contributor Scotty was to attend as well but instead he opted to perform his dance routine at one of the Philadelphia Fringe Festival's many venues. For those of you who don't get down verbally with the arts and culture section this equates to something like instead of having sex with a woman he went to a knitting circle. Too bad, he missed a ripper....

Cole FUCKING Hamels and the boys were hot,hot,hot like Buster Poindexter in the series finale with the fish. Cole continued his fucking hate-march of dominance with an outing becoming all too common and nonetheless fucking brilliant. Another 7 inning scoreless flaying with (for fucking once) a heap of run support to throw on the sex fire. He was fucking filthy. Like a little piggy with a hell of a sack and arm. Clearly a lopsided match-up if I've ever seen one as the florida starter, Andrew Miller, was beaten to a pulp by our superior powerloads.

Ryan Howard had one of those nights that for puny humans like us would be akin to getting blown and then having free basket of fries placed in your hands. A 3-run smoker the opposite way in the 5th inning along with his other 3 RBIs pretty much just fucking roasted those fillets. If there is any doubt in the feeble minds of the naysayer virgins about Big Piece's fucking timing after the last 2 nights of dominance then I don't know what to tell you. You probably would only be satisfied if Piece peed in your mouth while your parents watched. You freak. HEEEEEEEEEAT!!!!

I think its worth noting that every Phillie in the line-up last night had at least 1 hit. Hamels had 2. They piled on 10 runs by the 7th inning in a show of wild stallion-esque insemination.

Not all was fucking peachy, though, F's. J-Roll was pulled from the game with apparent hamstring soreness and one of our farm system pitchers and hopefully my new garbage man, Nate Robinson Robertson, gave up fucking 5 runs in 2/3 of the 8th frame. The former is being written off as dehydration not fit for worrying while the latter is being written off as a lose leader. I haven't heard a "hometown" pitcher get roasted so viciously with boos in a long fucking time. Good for him. He fucking stunk. It was like watching a pillow case trying not to get defiled by Mike Tyson. David Herndon finished off the bummer buttfuck 8th by tacking on one more run to make mincemeat out a fully comfortable lead.

Chollie finally had had enough of this horseshit and brought in Ryan Madson to get the fucking job done and...... he did. Again. Champion. 10-6, Phils. Series taken. Season series win for the Phils against the fish. first time since 2006. Booyah.

That's all for today, F's... Daddy needs a nap. Mommie does, too. Fuck new york and LET'S GO CARDS!!!!! Beat them wife beaters.

JSIII