September 7 2010 PHI v FLA Game 3. Daddy's Big Night Out

Would you fucking lookey here, Followers? Look at me. Its 6am right now and I still feel like I could fucking beat up 8 cops after holding barbershop hostage naked with my dork swinging like a flesh hammer. You know, how normally act after smoking dust with my father.

I waited 5 months for my first game of the season. 5 arduous months of Canberran isolation and struggle. Waking everyday at 10am and then making that futile slog to the gym to toil away the days, pumping iron and resenting my tedious daily grind until I could get back to my home and eat a healthy, nutritious meal cooked for me. My suffering has finally come to an end.

Joe Blanton, who I was honestly not too excited to see toss, had a mildly manish night. His 1st inning eat-shit was bypassed for  3rd and 4th inning batting practice. Anytime your pitcher gives up 2 triples on an inning you feel violated. I needed a shower around the 5th but Joe settled a bit and worked through 6 1/3, only giving up . a decent and fucking typical Sloppy Joe outing.

I, like a tourist or immigrant, had my father take these photos after Raul went yard in the 4th along with Howard and Victorino in the 5th. I am a dickhead but fuck you all, it's been a long stretch of Phils-less nights and I am a father with a blog. I take pictures of everything.

Man.

Look at the longing relinquished! I'm still hard...the fucking bells are still ringing in my sack!

The Men had taken a 7-4 lead by the 7th when the mound was handed over to the 'pen who promptly shit bed to make my night of whimsy and drama that much more sensual.

The 3 run lead quickly disintegrated with the cast of odd-ball dingleberries brought in for the 8th inning. Bastardo and Durbin had been brought in for the 7th after Joe-Joe got cold and did an adequate job of only giving up 1 run. The 8th say Contreras and Romero toss like girls waiting for their first period, giving up a run and leaving men on 1st and 3rd for Mad-Dog to come clean up the mess.

Well, he fucked up.... passed ball with a man on 3rd. I think every broad with huge knockers in our section just got up and bounced the second that runner crossed the plate. They fucked up, too.

It was long before our joint Hoagie of Heat  winners emerged like a phoenix from the wreckage the very next frame. With 2 outs, Victorino singled with a blooper to center and fucking like a man and then promptly swiped the bag at 2nd Polly waiting to shoot a line drive into right field to reclaim the lead like a methmom in the night.

Mad-Dog came back out since Lidge isn't available til Friday and closed things out like a man with a sack 60 times the normal, getting charged with a blown save and in all in the same night.

Throughout the game it was fucking magical as the crowd would roar in unified hatred at the out of town scoreboard when the Buccos scored against the knaves. I truly felt apart of something greater than myself, like in AA. Tim Hudson can seriously suck a fart out of my ass after losing 5-0 to the pirates. September isn't kind to the weak but let's not get presumptuous. We still have 20 some odd games left and we're only .5 a game up. Still, it feels nice to be looking down on atl in the standings with our dicks flapping in the breeze...FIRST PLACE, FUCKSTICKS!

Contributor Chuck Meehate and I will be at tonight's series closer in section 417. If any Followers want to give us beer or hotdogs or money feel free to stop by. 

Fuck new york and my computer is a fuckmouth. GO BUCCOS!!!!! 

JSIII

September 6 2010 PHI v FLA Games 1+2. Crap, Not Crap

So, yeah Followers. I've realized that since I live in the country again I'm in a bit of a pickle. When I lived in  Australia I could watch the game at 9am and then have all day to ruminate on the spectacle and then write about i thoughtfully. But here the night games end at 10 and I get no time to get pensive. What I'm saying basically is that The Clog will be getting way more crude and less thoughtful and I don't fucking care. You're excited, I know.....

Alright so The Show now continues in the land of the good and fair and big titties and baseball......

Game 1 was, uh, a less than fucking stellar affair. I believe I referred to it as a blowjob contest a few times as I watched it with my mother. She agreed. She noted that Jayson Werth and Polly had a great great hand-stroke/headbob technique while Chase Utley and Ryan Howard were a little sloppy around the nut area. Some people forget that it's very important when performing fellatio to pay at least a little attention to the boys. They get lonely.

Vance Worley, freshly called-up from Lehigh Valley, made his first major league start in game 1 and showed signs of promise and shades of Kendrick (girl arm). He got into holes very quickly throughout the first 3 inning throwing 51 pitches but settled into a nice deuce of 1-2-3 frames, getting pulled after the 5th for D Brown to sword fight with his imaginary friend in the batters box. The kids got decent velocity and malleable control but needs a little of that big-dickin' Jamie Moyer tutelage. This kid could be on the wish and wait farm list but who fucking  knows. Surely not me.

The fish also countered with their own rookie start in Adamberto Mendez , who on the flipside seemed to fool the Phils about as easily as a math teacher to a weed dealer. The fucker looked good. Shit was maybe going a little too sweet for the newbie until the 7th inning when he fucking infuriated the Phaithful by even getting a fucking basehit.He pulled up lame with a something strain and will now probably be fucking shat upon by trainers and front office messengers in Miami. Another day of sadness for The Baseball Player.

I think in this fucking dogcock jerk-fuck of a game, in which we hit the small ball with the red stitching 3 times with positive result, I think we had a runner in scoring position fucking 2 times all game. I've seen more enthusiasm behind the fucking counter at Walmart. Pathetic. Penis. Fuck.

The fish racked up 7 runs, 3 off Worley colleague Fat Mike Zagurski which leads to me to this analogy; There is a reason that Metallica got signed to Electra an then made millions of dollars and had sex with trillions of women while the band Cinderalla still hand out their own guitar picks for Halloween and have no money for Valtrex. Some motherfuckers just ain't good enough.

We sucked. Dick. 1-7, fish.

Look at this blister on my foot. This thing is fucking painful.

Game 2 was a fuck ton better in respects to what The Men weren't doing 3 hours earlier. We hit the ball and funny little men in red pinstripes cross homeplate. Fuck they did it 7 times!

 Roy Fucking Oswalt had a solid yet tumultuous start, giving up 4 runs in the form of 3 home runs. One of the things that seperates him from the wimps is that this doesn't seem to fucking bother him. He looks back, watches it fly, grabs his dick off the ground and tries again. A winner.

If anyone whines about the Phils being a long-ball or nothing team after this last season you can opretty much go down on a shotgun. All those 7 runs that crossed the funny thing were done so with balls banging around the grass. It's almost fucking infruriating how every Phil's ball hit toward the fence seems to fall just short these days at CPB. Not as infuriating as losing. It's good feeling to know that when the homers can't hump it we can put the ball in play and make it happen. Yes, Howard still swings for the stars every fucking time he's in the box and it seems like pitchers have figured out that you can throw him any pitch that's NOT a strike and he'll screw himself into the ground but we're stil making progress from last season. Utley had a pair of hits and Victorino had 3. Those are stats.

Phils win 7-4. Good.

Last season it was all homers and not much competition. This season it's all changed and we've learned to cope. People can bitch and cringe about being in 2nd place for  4 months but we're just as good, if not better than we've been in the previous 2 seasons.  The numbers are almost identical at this point in the season, we've just not had to deal with a decent team of sistefuckers in a few. The only thing really stadning in our way is ourselves. The 1,2 and 3-hit games are what is gonna skin the cat, not the braves. They can't just walk this one through, it's time to fucking destroy the fucking weak. 1/2 back and now is no fucking time to let the golden vagina slip through our tentacles.

I'm gonna be in section 130-something tonight with my old man. Get at me if you know what's not good for you. Fuck new york and the city I live in, the city of assholes, I never worry , now that is a lie. Bloop.

JSIII

September 4+5 2010 PHI v MIL Games 2+3. The King Is Back

Dear F's

I do apologize for my lack of superior internet presence for the last 2 days. I've been in the air for the last 30 hours, majestic above the lands of the world on my return to the only decent home I've ever known (pictured above).

My comments on the last 2 meeting with the Brew Crew are going to be succinct. Roy had another crapola night and Kendrick is a continual bitch. Not much to ruminate about. Well there is but I've been awake for 48 hours and your mighty Editor needs a nap. Fuck all.

I'm back, motherfuckers. You can holler at me in section 136 tomorrow night. I will now put on shorts, punch some scrapple down my throat and watch this fucking double on my couch. Labor Day. Salute the fucking flag and the workers of this great nation.

Fuck new york and fuck, it's good to be home.

JSIII

September 3 2010 PHI v MIL Game 1. Bitchin' Blanking Bingo

                                         Someone's growing a beard ooooooowwww

It seems that Cole Hamels has just figured it out. The Phillies are not going to fucking score dick for him. It's a fact. Fuck it, not much to worry about when he's throwing fucking spectres at his opponents. Another 1-0 decision is indicative of this sentiment, continually nailing more and more nails into the coffin of whiny, vagina-mouth Hamels of 2009.

3 fucking hits in 7 innings and fucking sinkhole in the run box. I think maybe 2 opposing runners reached scoring position all fucking game. I really have nothing more to say without sounding like I'd enjoy corn-holing the Californian. Come on, I'm an east coast boy!

The sole, lonely run came from, of course, the bat of the little Panamanian ripper. In a most unspectacular display, Chooch grounded out bringing the Hawaiian home. I guess that'll be all.

In an unusual turn of event, the Phillies have fucking one (not that weird) and the braves have fucking lost. That's 2 days in a fucking booyah row. That game of copy-cat was wearing thin for supporters of both sides  and I couldn't be more fucking hard to see it going our way for the time being. I'm not gonna harp about it because every fucking time someone say anything about a "great opportunity to pounce" or "a time to really put the foot down" some fucking stupid dickhead shit goes down and we get fucking flogged. Fuck it. All the Phils gotta do is put their head down and destroy. Fuck the races, we gotta kill all weak cunts that stand in our way. Pretty simple battle plan.

Tonight I'm going to a Aussie Rules play-off match between the Western Bulldogs and the scum of the earth Collingwood Magpies. My team, The Mighty Carlton Blues, are playing in Sydney this weekend against the weaselly Swans; a feminine side of wankers and drongos. I've really learned a new fucking language.

To fully understand the kind of cretin that calls itself a Collingwood supporter I've included a very convincing piece of evidence that leads to my opinion of their ilk. Subhuman. Please watch in fascination at the lowest type of carbon-based life from on vivid display.

Tonight Halladay is looking to "return to form" Bullshit. Motherfucker is looking to maim at will with the fiercest of ballbag. Top Bloke. More Aussie speak. Gotta purge while I'm still on the Island.

Fuck new york and GO FISH!

JSIII

September 2 2010 PHI v COL Make-up from 5/11. Hurricane Weather To Hit East Coast. Who Gives Shit.

As you have discerned by now, Followers, in an effort to be a fine purveyor of ideas and intelligent thought I've always held myself to a strict policy of remaining articulate as well and crude and truthful. Just for today I say fuck that shit.

COLORADO CAN SUCK OUR BLOATED 9-RUN SMASHING DICKS! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? BLANTON PRACTICALLY HANDED YOU THIS FUCKING GAME AND THIS IS THE SHIT YOU FUCKING DO WITH IT? LOLORADO!!! I'm a loser.

I'm not gonna lie, F's I was very upset by Joe Blanton and the lot's performance early on. The 3 run homer to Chris Iannattawhatever in the second definitely made we want to stab every person around me in the neck 8 times. I thought "Of course... the one game those losers from flushing bother to show up to in atl and get a win we have to throw our chance away"  I was tired and cranky from travelling. I'm allowed that sometimes.

I decided to wash away the sorrows by going to McDonalds.

As I was sitting in McDonalds with my wife and son punching burgers and fries down my fat fucking throat the familiar pang came to me. I just couldnt not follow the game.

I took my wife's iPhone from her and dialed up the game and it was the top 7th. I had missed 2 innings walking to Maccas so I felt some shame already.

I'm not even going to fucking bother going through the actual plays of this inning, if you're reading this and dont already know you're a fucking dickhead and not worth the company of my readership.

As I watched this fucking 9 run', 3 homer inning on a tiny screen I, in turn, did a few other things:

1. Scared the shit out of a 4 year old girl.

2. Threw a handful of fries at a man eating on his lunch break.

3. Tried to explain to the man why I was so excited only to be matched with a clever "fucken yank" in reply. Thats fine with me. He probably fucks kids.

4. Said the words "THAT'S WHAT I'M FUCKING TALKING ABOUT! louder than any human in history.

5. Felt satisfaction. Like a real man does when his team does well.

Sure the bullpen tried to throw it away. Fuck it all. We go to the weak west for 7 games and we walk away with 6 in our flesh-satchels. I am happy and at peace. Until 7:05 pm tomorrow when it all starts over again. I love it.

Also... are you kidding me? HEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! Chase Utley, along with the rest of that fucking beautiful team, is the fucking man. STILL.

More shortness from The Master, kids. I'm going out tonight to drink beer with a mate and watch the footy while scarin'cunts, fair dinkum. In English I'm going to a bar with a friend to watch sports. My wife let me out. Fuck new york and thanks for finally winning. Too bad your ace strained his sexually deviant peck. Still, we're 2 back.

JSIII

September 1 2010 PHI v LAD Game 3. Hiro-what Kuro-who?

My dear Followers.......Please forgive me as this entry to the Greatest Phillies Clog On Earth is approximately 12 hours late. My sincere apologies goes to everyone of you who want on bended knee, drooling like rabid fools for the day's installment Right now am I travelling my way back home with my family. This is an arduous task filled with joys and murderous rage. Please allow this one absence of genius, just this once...

I'll make thing short today cause the Phils are gonna be playing a make-up game in Denver in about 2 hours.

Really, who the fuck can even remember the first game of this series? It's seems that adorable little 1-hitter that Hiroki Kuroda tossed our way doesn't really amount to a hill o dogshit now that we're leaving town victorious Roy Oswalt had oddly enough, a one-hitter himself into the 6th inning and only lasted 6 1/3 all together due to some command issues. Yeah, that's what I said. Motherfucker had command issues and still only gave up 1 hit in 6 1/3. Puny LA. The weakness in the West grows stronger

J-Roll and Victorino got the swingers party started early with solo shots of dodger's Clayton Kershaw to give Roy a little breathing room in an often confined space. Utley would bash in a 3 RBI in the 7th and we would put the fucking screw to Hung Chi Kuo, a reliever who's never given up runs to the Phils. Motherfucker gave up 2 like a a male junkie gives up the butt for some brown. The dealers; The Brown Dominator, Roll and The Mighty Chutley. Chut by the way is starting to look like himself in these last few games. The short firm swing, lining hot-shots on over the joint.

This infuriated me today. Melbourne is a great city but it is full of assholes, too.

This just made me laugh. From York, PA to Australia. From Shit Town to Hit Town to State Fairs to Melbourne. Good luck, Ed!

It's September, our month! Let's keep that shit roillin'! Go watch the fucking game!

JSIII

August 31 2010 PHI v LAD Game 2. Cracks In The Phucking Levee

Good game last night, huh, F's? Looks like a few of the Phillies read yesterday's blog, too. The Howard Slump Tracker surely must've been the impetus for Big Piece to unload that drought breaking roping arc of man sauce into the seats in left-center. That's his first since fucking July 20 something. Brian Schneider definitely read my screed on the parallels of Pearl Harbor and what Kuroda did to us. He was so inspired and motivated by patriotic duty that he fucking bashed his own 3-run load into LA laps. Lastly who could doubt Choochie keeps an inquisitive eye on the Clog as he surely was offended by my ribald crack about the LA stands being filled with at least 60% illegals. It's a shame he had to take out his rage on his prison bitch, Jonathan Broxton, by rocking the poor fella for 2 more runs in the 7th, bringing Chooch's record against the big fuck to 4 for 4. I heard Carlos will also be signing autographs tomorrow before the game while he talks Johnny for a walk around Chavez Ravine. Sit the fuck down!

I don't know who the fuck to give The Hoagie to today....it's been so long since I've had this dilemma! Fuck it. I don't want people to think I'm shacking with the little Panamanian or a catcher mattress. Gotta give it to Piece. It's been so long. Sorry, Schneidy. We love you.

The only person who I think didn't read up was Kyle Kendrick. The rage inducing righty showed nothing but panty-waist-esque traits last night as he fucking walked in the first run of the game, This is becoming somewhat of a trademark for Kendrick as he did that shit 2 starts ago against the nats. Douche moves.

                                           I'm not gonna do what you could easily with this photo...

He fucking held it down pretty cocksure until the 5th inning hump crept up and Kendrick just lost it. A run in the 5th and a 2 run shot off the bat of Bolonie-Loney next inning sat him down faster than the batsman could round the bases. Chollie was off his ass the second he heard "THWACK!" 5+, 7 hits 4 earned. Mediocre. He's gotta be getting as frustrated as we all are at this point.

I've said it a billion times before and I'll say it again. He's pure bullpen stock. He's Chan Ho Park. He's not a starter but could be a decent long man that goes 3 or 4 if the starter gets bombed. I would feel actual confidence in bringing him in for a 6th or 7th inning spell without batting a nut. I'm not saying this will happen but it's just something I'd love to see happen if we keep him around next season. He's not shit he's just inconsistent and I'm sick of the heartburn.

Still he and we get the W. That's all that fucking matter. 8-4. Did the levee break? Not fucking yet. Keep on swinging. Still fucking 3 back...BUT we're 1.5 up on sf in the WC. Sitting tight.

Short shit today, F's. Packing our shit and heading to Melbourne for a few days before we come back to the Greatest Fucking Country On Earth. Remember Christian, Melbourne's sole mets fan? Yeah, I'll be doing a follow-up video on how he feels his perennial underachievers have fared this season. Francouer got bounced today to Texas. Too bad they all can't be traded to a first place team. Christian is gonna get it, just you wait!

Oswalt's rocking the mean-mound today.  Last time Mr. Os faced this lot he blanked 'em. I'll just take a series win, thanks. Fuck new york and beat LA and don't start using heroin.

JSIII